PHILSEZ: The hurt (art?) of taking selfies

I finally took a selfie. I know that is not something to brag about as a man, but I still feel like it’s worth a mention. It was terrible. I hated it and I have a feeling that will probably be the last time I take one.

No, it was not a bathroom selfie, nor was it a bed selfie. I am not a psycho. I was designated the group selfie taker because my friends figured that my arms are long enough to make sure that everyone fits in. I am the human selfie stick. I should be angry about this but there are bigger issues to worry about – like selfie sticks.

I hate selfie sticks. I believe they were invented to distract us from all the evil happening in the world. Wave a selfie stick in the air and watch every girl around you pout and do the “Beyonce-on-the-red- carpet” pose. Watch every guy around you smile and do the peace sign.

Forget the magic wand, we now have the selfie stick. It’s 2015 and like its predecessor, the selfie stick makes things disappear. You could be walking in town with that thing and everyone will want to be in your picture.

REACHING FOR MANGOES

People with the selfie sticks always look like they are searching for a signal and whenever they take a picture, they always look like they are reaching for mangoes.

Back to my selfie stick-esque arms. I did not know that a lot of work goes into taking a selfie. First, there is how you hold the phone. My first attempt had me hold the phone with my right hand and press the shutter with my left so I looked like I was in handcuffs.

That is when I was taught how to hold it; you use your thumb and middle finger to hold the phone, which leaves the index free to press the shutter. How was I to know this? It sounds easy but I think it is easier to use chopsticks than take a selfie.

The second problem for me was, where do I look? The first picture had me with this spaced-out look, like I was high on second-hand weed smoke while everyone else was looking at the camera. I couldn’t figure this and I was told to look at the front camera. Which I did but still ended up looking like a grazing sheep about to fall off a cliff. Apparently, I had a “worried look”, whatever that is.

Now, I am not a photogenic man, I do not know what happens when the shutter is pressed. I believe in a top-ten list of “the hottest looking men in Kenya”, based on the way I look in photos, I would be somewhere between Bifwoli Wakoli and Francis Atwoli.

This is how unphotogenic I am. Infact I have just photos that I can look at and honestly say, “not bad”; in two of them I was under the age of five.

I do not know what to do when asked to smile for a photo. My brains goes numb. Is there anything such as a big smile and small one? My smiles all look the same – weird. My niece once asked me what I was doing after seeing a photo we took together. I had given what I thought was a Denzel Washington-like smile. I was wrong. My smiles start off well and then form into this alien-like form when fully executed. Help!

Back to my worried look. I finally took the selfie but nobody in the whole group talked about how awesome it was. They just looked at it and went on with their lives.

Here’s how to know you really photograph like a bonobo monkey. Someone forces you to take a picture with them for “IG” but it never makes it to the IG. You, like me, ruin even group photos. I will try and stay out of people’s IG photos as much as possible because there are those who God made with the sole purpose of looking good on Instagram, and then there is me. You think that cartoon at the top of the column was by design? I was saving your eyeballs. You’re welcome, world.

Those selfies I took, I think only one made it to Instagram, and it was full of filters yet the darn photo had nine people, all of whom posted many other pictures.

So, after taking the bloody selfies, which were later deleted, I go home to find two selfie sticks and I was being forced to hold and press the shutter. Now, if that is not the universe having a field day with me, then I do not what that is.

Have a photogenic day, will you?