Why men cheat - from the horse’s mouth

I have handled this topic in this column before, but until a solution is found, I shall keep revisiting certain  topics.

Why do men cheat? Let me narrow this down a little today. Why do men, usually in their middle age (aka mid-life crisis) and financially comfortable, cheat on the women who stood by them when no one else would?

Is it easier to get a poor man’s love than a rich man’s? Can money be a synonym for “attractive” (Very likely: Did you see that Nigerian politician who married a Halle Berry look-a-like? I bet if he were poor, even the desperate girl would have thought twice before accepting his proposal). Do common sense and memories of the past struggles disappear when money comes into the picture?

Last week, I had a discussion with a male friend who is a ripe candidate for the above scenario.

Middle aged, rich. No, he is not cheating, I doubt he wants to, at least not consciously, but I thought I should share what he calls “The ‘why’ anatomy of a acquiring a mistress”. This is, as it were, from the horse’s mouth.

I quote him: “It is really all so simple, and almost always, unavoidable at some point. The young couple meets in their twenties and settles down in marriage. They are struggling to make ends meet, and the young man trying to be ‘the man’ of the house.

His deepest secrets and struggles are largely unknown to his wife, ‘largely’ because there are things he won’t share with her – like his frustrations at work and the impatience with which he wants to make it for her.

“The poor guy struggles, his wife has his back. During their years of struggling, they both see it all. The financial stress, the joys and pains of bearing and bringing up children, the pressures of work,  pushed each other’s buttons to the limits, seen and experienced the best and worst of each other, the works.

Life is a routine: home, work, children, church on Sundays, scheduled sex — and it is largely a matter of obligation – their minds are on other things, especially the bills to pay.

“At this time, the man still wants to be king of his castle, providing everything for his queen, who has unquestionable loyalty to him.

FAST FORWARD

“Fast forward to their forties. They have accumulated quite some wealth, a home, a thriving business, are more comfortable and life is generally good. The routine is still there, with a slight change, perhaps having joined business clubs, chamas and some church organisations. But it’s all routine.

“Out there, with an elevated social status, the man is quite something – respected and feared. The interest from the female folk increases.

The kind of “worship” he is getting out there is incomparable to what he gets from his wife. She knows him too much. She has seen him struggle to make ends meet, borrow from banks and friends (including her) and sometimes defaulting.

Then comes the woman/girl.

“The woman is older, probably about his age. She understands this very well because she was once married but did not have the patience to wait for her husband to make it; she knows things first-hand. And all she has to do is be that queen who has been in his mind all these years. She might not even be  that beautiful, but the elegance and finesse with which she meets his needs are simply out of this world.

“Where has she been all this time?” he wonders.

“Then there is the girl. Pretty young thing. She will literally worship the ground he walks on. She owes him everything. Not much of a cost, but she will do things to him that he only read in David Mailu’s After 4.30 many years ago.

Things his wife would never do in a million years.

He cannot leave the wife. She has too much of a stake in the empire they have both built. So he cheats. The best  woman, however, is the one who is the cornerstone of her husband’s empire, yet she lets him have the limelight and be king in her castle. She knows he will never need another woman, she has it all, him included.”

According to Denzel Washington, “A wise woman knows the importance of speaking life into her man. If you love him, believe in him, encourage him and be his peace.”  

My conclusion: men cheat because of their ego!