Royalists of former colonies still abound

My mother likes to recount a story to me and anyone else who may be around ad nauseum to highlight that she is not anyone.

The story goes like this. Many years ago when Zimbabwe was still part of the Commonwealth, my then civil servant mother was part of the detail that took Queen Elizabeth II around Zimbabwe.

 I suspect wily Uncle Bob had hoped that my mother and her colleagues would explain why Elizabeth II’s forefathers took the land and why her contemporaries like Ian Douglas Smith were so reluctant to leave the said land when the winds of change were blowing on the continent.

Unfortunately there is only one thing that my mother came away with from the national tour of Zimbabwe with the queen — she explained to the regina where peanut butter came from.

Apparently they were at some farm in Zvimba when QE turned to her and said: “‘Margaret,’ yes she called me Margaret, you know I share a name with her sister. So she said, Margaret?’”

Zuki’s Mum:  “Yes, Your Majesty?”

QEII: “But what are these plants?”

Zuki’s Mum: “Well Your Majesty, this is the peanut plant. This is where your peanut butter comes from.”

The queen was amazed and her photographer snapped the queen with the plants (alas. None with my mother) but then afterwards she invited my mother (and others) to join her for tea and they graciously accepted.

Every time my mother tells me this story she always concludes: “You see my dear, your mother is not just anyone. She had tea with the queen.”

I am often forced to bite my tongue as I want to throw in that the queens in my life prefer wine but I don’t say it because I think it will go over her head. The statement, not the wine.

My mother’s obsession with the British royal family always confounded me as she is otherwise very levelheaded about people regardless of their social standing.

She will say things like, “Oh this one? Don’t mind him now that he is a Minister, we used to give him bus fare in London during the struggle days’ or, ‘they used her and spit her out.

Now she’s living in the township like a pauper but she was the vanguard of the women’s movement.’

All very jarring statements when juxtaposed with the fact that I will receive in the post, an envelope of cut-outs with articles and photographs from Hello! And OK magazines on Harry or some gossipy stuff about Camilla and Charles.

No cover letter or anything. She recently sent me a Whatsapp message: “Will and Kate are pregnant again.” I responded, “Which Will and Kate?” She replied: “Duh (yes really.

She said duh), Diana’s son and his wife.” She talks of the late Princess Diana as though they were intimate friends.

In conversation with some friends lately, though, it seems this obsession with the royals isn’t something unique to my mother. It’s not just her but an illness of former British colonials of a certain generation.

My friend Maimouna told me of a widowed older colleague of hers from the Caribbean that she worked with at the BBC. This woman admitted to having felt greater pain when Princess Diana died than when her husband died.

And my writer friend Kei told me about his weekly phone calls to his grandmother (he stays in Scotland, she’s in Jamaica).

He calls her and tells her of his achievements. He has over four books to his credit. Whenever he has told her about a new book out she says: “Oh? Well that’s good, my baby. Congratulations.”

And he states that she has always sounded as though she is surprised that he is still going on with his “little writing hobby”. Until the week he had a conversation with her and told her he was among a few writers invited to have tea with the Queen.

“Tea with the Queen?” She questioned while drawing her breath.

“Yes grandma,” he answered.

She breathes out loudly and then: “Get on off the phone with you now chile, I must call all of my friends and tell them my grandbaby’s been invited to have tea with the Queen. Woo hoo, you have arrived chile. You have arrived.”

Okay, so there are some geriatrics from the former colonies who love the British royal family, what’s my point exactly?  Ja well, I was coming to that. My mother turns 70 in a month’s time.

I obviously can’t get her tea with the queen again for her birthday.

And I sadly have republican leanings so can’t imagine what to get her that would be appreciated. Anyone out there who may also be a fan of the British royal family who can give me an idea on what gift may be fit for this princess’ mother?

Zukiswa Warner is a South African author living in Kenya. [email protected]