Attention! Nairobi girls are now feeling cold

More and more girls are in sweaters, scarves or trench coats. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • This month has been pretty cold, yet some girls are still in their sheer dresses and other types of clothing generally associated with summer.
  • You should see them strutting in the streets like Victoria’s Secret models on a catwalk in Milan, oblivious to the cold.
  • But, together with my National Geographic crew, we have noticed a new trend; more and more girls in sweaters or trench coats.

You know it is super-cold when you meet more than five girls wearing warm clothing in Nairobi.

The Nairobi female species, also known as Nairobius Chicas, is immune to cold weather. They probably heat their food in the fridge.

This month has been pretty cold, yet some girls are still in their sheer dresses and other types of clothing generally associated with summer.

You should see them strutting in the streets like Victoria’s Secret models on a catwalk in Milan, oblivious to the cold. But, together with my National Geographic crew, we have noticed a new trend; more and more girls in sweaters or trench coats.

This is shocking and we expect the government to issue a statement soon. The last time a Nairobi girl felt cold was in 1914, according to my made up data. This should be a cause for concern.

STOP EATING FRIES

This observation comes at a bad time, when the government has its hands full with the Ebola threat, so I have a feeling they will not address this issue comprehensively.

What we are demanding — by “we” I mean men — is that the government starts testing this species for this cold virus that is turning Nairobi into a dull and boring city.

Who knows what will happen next? Will the girls stop meeting at coffee shops, stop eating fries and pizzas, and (if this does not make you cry, you are not human) posting photos on Facebook?

Do you know what you call Facebook without photos of Nairobi girls? Book! We cannot let that happen. Most of these girls depend on our Likes just to make it to another day.

Every day she wakes up hoping to get more Likes on Facebook and Instagram and every Nairobi male ensures that the dream remains valid.

WEARING LIVE SHEEP

Without Facebook Likes, the species will resort to wearing baggy jeans and Safari boots. I love Safari boots, but when they replace high heels, I will personally lead the revolution.

So, dear Nairobi men, just know that when a Nairobi girl starts feeling cold, it is just the beginning of the Apocalypse.

In five years, selfies will be banned because, what use is a selfie if she is wearing a live sheep as a coat? Is there a reason to live?

When she starts feeling cold, there goes bendover dancing. Are you visualising this nightmare? Imagine being at the club and all the girls are clapping? That is just church, right?

The year is 2017 and Lillian Muli, Janet Mbugua, Victoria Rubadiri et al are now wearing corduroy suits as they read the news.

They have no make-up and instead have smeared their faces with Arimis (ask your nearest dairy farmer what this is) because they do not have Instagram to post their selfies on.

10KG SWEATERS

Ask your typical Nairobi girl why she does not feel cold and she will say that cold is a state of mind. So, if she is now constantly feeling cold, that tells you that her state of mind has been altered. That is not a good thing.

The only ones in this species who are different are mothers. You all remember how you used to be wrapped in a million shawls as a child because your mother thought that she felt you feeling cold.

It could be 98 degrees outside but the moment someone mentioned Limuru, she would panic and throw five jackets on you. It did not matter that you were sweating. To many mothers, that just meant the sweat was the cold leaving your body.

The weatherman would be on TV saying it will be 110 degrees for the next two years, but every mother immediately thought of how cold it will be after the two years and on goes the winter jacket.

So, let mothers and five-year-olds dress warm, the rest of you, just know that we are praying for you to get better, nay, warmer, and leave those 10kg sweaters at home. We are praying for the quick recovery of Nairobius Chicas. Stay cold!

@Mwanikih