KITOTO: I am a poor communicator and have low self-esteem

Hello Mr Kitoto,

I applaud your work; kudos for making this column remain relevant for many years. Allow me to a share with you a dilemma that has been giving me sleepless nights for a long time. I am 27, and a part time employee. I am still single but I enjoy my own company. I prefer to spend my free time at home by myself, and dislike being around people all the time. My friends describe me as a talkative, but often complain that I am not a good a listener. The fact is that I am a poor communicator and suffer from low self-esteem. How do I deal with all these personality complexities?

Hello there,

I identify two sides of you in your email. The first one is that you are an introvert – you prefer to spend time alone most of the time. There is nothing wrong with this. There are many who prefer quiet time on their own instead of partying all the time. I am glad that even with such a personality, you still have friends with whom to interact with when need be. Totally cutting yourself from people would act against you. What I however find confusing is that even though you are an introvert, you talk a lot to. It seems that with your friends, you are the life of the party.

This provokes a question; is it women you are uncomfortable being around or is it everyone?

Your friends point out that you are a poor listener, which prompts you to feel that you could be a poor communicator. There are people who are generally very talkative, however, since listening is an art, I believe you can learn how to listen. You seem to have honest friends, so how about practicing your listening skills around them? This, I believe, will solve your dilemma.

Factors that make men poor listeners

It is often said that men are poor listeners, and there might be some truth there. If you are a poor listener, if you know what hinders you from being an effective listener, then you have the power to change and become a better listener.

1. Most men tend to get easily distracted.

2. Women perceive men to be poor at holding long conversations.

3. Some men are eager to provide solutions, even when all the woman wants is a listening ear and empathy.

4. When having a discussion, most men have only one goal in mind: to win the discussion.

5. Men listen selectively when they perceive they have been disrespected.

6. Men are more likely to interrupt a discussion more than women.

7. In many cases, men fail to ask engaging questions that would help their women take the discussion further.

9. If men paid attention while having a conversation, they would be able to read the woman’s body language and emotional nuances, which are sometimes more telling than words.

Barriers of effective listening

Physiological barrier: This may include difficulty in processing information, inattention and inability to focus.

Physical barriers: These tend to be the external factors in the environment that cause distraction, hence the ability to concentrate. When seeking to have a meaningful discussion, switch of your phone, TV and radio. Children can also be a distraction, so if possible, have the discussion is a quiet place.

Attitude:Attitude becomes a barrier to effective communication when you believe that you are more knowledgeable than the one you are speaking to and that there is nothing new to learn from others.

Assumption: When we conclude that we know what the truth is, we close our minds to whatever we hear, and will not even consider what we hear as fact.

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