I have ended up with a sex addict for a husband

Dear Kitoto,

I met this man, a teacher, early in 1999 and moved in with him in January 2000. I was then pregnant, so I brought a girl from our village to help with household chores.

Two days later, she informed me that my “husband” had asked her to go to bed with him. When I asked him, he said he could deal with any woman, arguing that after all, we were not legally married. This hurt me but because I was carrying his child, I chose to stay.

I gave birth to a baby boy in October 2000 and thought this would bring some love to the family. However, neighbours would still warn me about his irresponsible sexual behaviour.

In May of 2001, he brought home a woman whom he said was his neighbour from upcountry. The woman left immediately after supper and he escorted her.

One night, he failed return home and his friends told me that he was seeing someone else whom he wanted to marry. I came to learn that he had spent the night at the woman’s place. We had a fight and I left.

The separation did not last long. I had no money and my son needed so much. I left his house in May but by July I had returned.

The ghost of this woman kept haunting my marriage and in July 2002, I left, this time vowing never to return.

In April 2004, he sent his elder brother to talk to me and I agreed to go back. He was transferred from the institution he was teaching in 2005 and life got better.

That was until I found out that I had new enemies. He started having an affair with a woman at the new school. He would even send airtime to her, yet my phone had none.

By that time I was pregnant with our second child. I gave birth in August 2008 and we moved from Limuru to Uthiru. Life became harder and he decided to start a taxi business in the evening after classes.

The business took off and so did his urge for women. One day, I saw a text from his “client” whom wanted to be picked up from her house. I followed and found him in bed with a woman I knew. He was naked and so was she.

I left the scene after a fight. When he came home, I refused to open the door and he sent an SMS saying he was going to kill himself. I notified his relatives who stay in Nairobi, but all they could tell me was “arume ni nyamu” (men are like animals). This hurt me but I promised to be strong. He later apologised but I did not forgive him.

We moved from Uthiru to Eastlands near his new school in Nairobi, this time with the promise that he was a changed man. The relationship with his colleague started again. I handled this with wisdom and it stopped.

During the Easter of 2012, we went for a retreat. On our way back, a happy couple, my house help called to tell me she was not coming back because my husband had been pestering her for sex. I was deeply hurt.

My husband was later involved in an accident that almost took his life. He was admitted to Nairobi Hospital. I used all my savings to pay the hospital bill and he came out a strong man. We even decided to legalise our union and the planning for the wedding began. But worse was in store.

I got a new house maid this February and last month, I travelled to Kabarak to see my niece. I came back and the house maid started crying. It turned out my husband had tried to have sex with her.

That was the worst day of my life. All through, I thought the man had changed. He explained that he had realised that he had a problem and had sought professional counselling, but it was a lie. I am so fed up and no longer want to live like this. I am currently a parallel student at the University of Nairobi and my son is sitting for his KCPE exams this year. Please advise before I go crazy.

Joan

Hi,

It is clear from your narration that you have been through a lot. The disappointments have been numerous and nothing is left but mistrust and lack of respect for the marriage you committed yourself to.

Your desire to make things happen is commendable, but it takes two to make a marriage work. If he does not commit to getting help to reform his ways, it will break you apart.

As you seek ways to deal with the issues of your marriage, I suggest that you put yourself first. So far, you have been hurt, betrayed, and abused emotionally.

You have faced neglect and feel cheated by your man. This must have had a negative impact on you and the way you view your husband.

It is, therefore, important that you deal with any negative impact this has had on you. This could include any feelings of betrayal, low self-esteem, negative view of men, and lack of trust. These can dent your future and desire to make a life for yourself. Please note that the healing I am asking you to embrace is first and foremost for you. There is beauty and strength in seeing things from a different perspective.

Secondly, once you have healed, God will give you knowledge and wisdom to understand what is really driving your man. His glorification of sex to the extent that he is chasing after every house girl you employ shows not only disrespect for you but for himself as well. His actions speak of a desperate man who will do anything to satisfy his sexual urges. It is clear that he lacks control and respect for the values of marriage.

Dr Trisha Macnair of the UK says: “The idea that someone could have an addiction to sex isn’t widely accepted even among health professionals, some of whom say that it is more a matter of compulsive behaviour than a true addiction.” It appears from your narration that his behaviour borders on sexual addiction.

It is also clear that your husband’s problem is a progressive intimacy disorder that has been characterised by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts over a period of time. As a result, the negative impact of his behaviour on himself, your marriage, and your family seems to increase as the disorder progresses.

Your marriage is suffering neglect and abandonment as your husband intensifies his addictive behaviour to achieve sexual satisfaction.

Your husband’s confession that he has a problem could be positive and presents an avenue for both of you to seek help from a professional. Ask him if he needs your help to find such a professional. He has to involve you at some point if he is to experience lasting restoration. Your marriage will only see cosmetic revolution if he goes this path alone.

Your marriage needs a make-over to restore the lost values. If he refuses to do this together with you, I really doubt if his desire to get help is genuine.

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She won’t stop seeing other men

Hi Pastor,

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We have three children. Two years ago, I came across evidence of infidelity through messages on her phone. I confronted her and she swore that it never went beyond texting.

I later saw more messages and asked her mother to speak to her. She admitted that she has been unfaithful and asked for forgiveness. That was the sixth time. She admitted that she had a weakness but insisted that she had not slept with any of the men.

Last month, I found the number of a man she had been in communication with. She insisted that she had to talk to him as a colleague on work-related issues. I am now contemplating kicking her out and moving on because I feel as if I have been taken for a ride. I feel used and know for sure that she does not love me any more.

After every confrontation, she becomes very spiritual, making it look as if she is innocent and that it is the devil at work. What do I do? I am reaching the end of my tether.

Anonymous

Hi,

Twelve years of marriage is a long time. For your wife to acquire such behaviour at this stage in the marriage shows that there is definitely something wrong.

This is not good for the family, particularly the children. What is happening in your marriage means several things.

First, I am of the opinion that your marriage lacks proper conflict resolution mechanisms where issues are discussed conclusively and new standards and consequences agreed upon and put in place.

Secondly, the repeated flirting could point to some flaws in her character or a genuine lack of affection from you as her husband.

Are you present and able to give her the attention she requires? This area requires discussion. For example, what pulls her away every time? Does it have anything to do with the way she is treated or is it just lack of values?

Finally, I recognise the effort you have put into the marriage in ensuring that issues are confronted. I pray that you will have the boldness to revisit the issues based on the suggestions above.

Additionally, you may need to see a family counsellor to help you get perspective to both your concerns. She may also have concerns that she may want to table, particularly in an atmosphere of trust and respect.

I believe this can be managed and resolved. It could just be that she has a weakness that requires help. Maybe it is true that she has not slept with any of the men in question. She could be going through a lonely patch or there could be things that are opening up gaps in your love towards her. Whatever the case, I commend you for seeking help. Do not give up.

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I feel like going out to get fulfilment

Dear Kitoto,

I wish to respond to the issue raised by Sheila two weeks ago. She had written about having lost interest in sex. It is a serious matter and explains why men have mpango wa kando.

I am 39 and my wife is 33. We had a baby five months ago and we have not had sex since. Before the baby arrived, we had not had sex for three months. The way I feel, it is only a matter of time before I seek fulfilment elsewhere.

Anonymous

Hi,

Sex plays an important role in marriage but it would be wrong to suggest that it is the only important thing in the relationship. My response to Sheila was that, “bringing satisfaction in marriage must go beyond sex if a marriage is to last and bring enjoyment to those involved.”

As for your wife, pregnancy can be difficult. Love for your wife demands that you be patient and wise in helping to navigate this time of pregnancy. Not all pregnancies are the same.

You will agree with me that your wife is a person with feelings and desires that need to be expressed and fulfilled. Delivery also has its effects on a woman.

These effects could range from a heightened desire for sex for some to depression after delivery for others. Some women may end up having no desire for sex for a while.

As I mentioned to Sheila, although men and women enjoy sex differently, your desire for sex at this period and the seemingly lack of response from your wife does not mean denial. I suggest that the two of you discuss whether you are on the same page on the issue. Remember that sex becomes meaningful if it involves communication.

This is key to laying a strong foundation for fulfilling sex in your marriage. Ask her about her lack of desire and involvement and see if it is associated or connected to any other areas of your marriage.

For most women, sex goes beyond the act. Therefore, could her current issue be associated with problems with the pregnancy or is it just being used to cover up her real feelings.

Finally, let me give you the same encouragement I gave Sheila. “There is a need to place sexuality within the context of the daily happenings in a marriage. When you do this, you will be able to identify other factors within the relationship that could be affecting the place of sex in your marriage.”

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Not ready to marry but I can’t leave her

Dear Kitoto,

I am 25 and in a complicated three-year relationship with a woman who is now 26. We do not reside in the same area and we first met on Facebook in 2009.

Things changed last year when I visited her for the first time. I was shocked to find her pregnant. Now she has delivered twins (two pretty girls) and is demanding that we get married. Please help me because I am not ready to leave her.

Felix.

Hi,

I cannot really say I understand your story. Of relevance here is whether you are the father of the children. If not, then you must realise that you have to love and take her with the children.

Many women are so blinded by the need for security that they end up in the wrong relationships. You need to ask yourself why you need to marry her.

Is it because you have just discovered that you are the father of the children or are you being manipulated into a relationship whose cost you have not counted?

Finally, if you are in love and want to marry her for who she is and are willing to be a father to those lovely girls, then do so.

However, it worries me when you use the words like “she is demanding”. Does that mean that you are under pressure to marry her and are feeling cornered?

Do you have enough knowledge of her past to enable you to make an informed decision and not one that is hurriedly made without sufficient facts?

In the end, it is your decision whether to marry her or not. But make this decision based on knowledge, not just feelings. Personally, I did not get enough information from your letter to judge how well you know her to warrant a marriage.