KITOTO: I love my girl but got another pregnant

Tuesday November 14 2017

I don’t even know how everything happened, but

I don’t even know how everything happened, but now she is pregnant and wants me to marry her! PHOTO | FILE 

By PHILIP KITOTO
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Dear Kitoto, 

I appreciate your advice to readers.

I am a 24-year-old man. Things were going really well for me until I met this woman at her office. We chatted briefly, before I left. About six months later, we met again at a different place. I didn’t recognise her, but she reminded me who she was and this time we exchanged phone numbers. Thereafter, we became friends.

About four months later, she poured her heart out to me and then asked whether she could visit me the following day. Since I was free, I told her she could come.

To cut a long story short, she came and spent the night, even after I had told her I was in a serious relationship. I don’t even know how everything happened, but now she is pregnant and wants me to marry her! She is 26 while  my girlfriend is 20. Please advise me.  I am really confused because I don’t want to lose my girlfriend.

 

Hi,

I do not want to go back to the reasons why you got yourself into this mess.

While you might not have been aware of her ulterior motive, she had her plan in place. Your dilemma is twofold: First, you cheated on your girlfriend with another woman, who is now pregnant.

Second, you have two issues to deal with: how to  tell her it is over even though she is carrying your baby, and how to deal with your girlfriend. The truth is that you are soon going to be a father. What are you going to do about it?

Don’t you think this child will need a father? I suggest that you sit down with this woman and take responsibility for your child.

Another issue is how to handle your girlfriend. Now that you are going to be a father, will you tell her about it, or will you support the child secretly? I suggest that you have a session with each woman separately and candidly discuss what is in your heart.

What you should avoid is aggravating the already complicated situation.

Be open and simple and give clear directions on where things are going. That is the only amicable way to deal with the situation.

 

We’re serodiscordant; dare we hope for a future together?  

Dear Kitoto, 

Thank you for the good work you are doing. I am a saved, 37-year-young, HIV-negative man. I have been dating this wonderful, 32-year-young beautiful woman whom I love dearly and hope to marry. She has been quite open with me about her HIV-positive status, for which I am truly grateful and touched, and has made love her even more. I don’t want to lose this woman. Kindly advise whether this relationship has a future, and what the challenges facing serodiscordant unions are. 

 

Hi,

Thank you for your kind words. We appreciate the fact that this column touches many people.

Back to your questions: I would like to congratulate you on your openness.

Disclosure and constant dialogue are key for a relationship to thrive. The fact that you know each other’s status is the first step in planning your future.

With advancement in science, doctors can today help you deal with the many health-associated complications.

Whether one is HIV-positive or not, it is important for singles aspiring to get married and engaged couples to seek  advice regularly on reproductive health  and other health-related issues.

Medical check-ups are necessary and should be part of any couple’s routine.

Besides, there is nothing wrong an HIV-positive person marrying a person who is also HIV-positive or even one who is HIV-negative.

With medical advice and the advancements in medicine, most of the issues previously feared can be dealt with. Don’t let her HIV status create a barrier.

What is key is involving a qualified medic in your journey as early as possible.

 

After insisting that we have sex, this saved man has left me completely confused

Hi Mr Kitoto,

I’m a 27-year-old woman. This man, who told me he was saved, got my numbers from Facebook about two years ago and called me, asking that we begin a relationship and I agreed. However, a month later, he insisted that we have sex. I consented, believing that, since he was a godly man, he could not be like other men out there. But after that he told me that he didn’t see any future in our relationship, and that he wanted us to pray for it. That left me confused, wondering why we should pray after we had sinned. We started differing and until now I don’t understand him because sometimes he tells me he is just testing me. How can I tell exactly what this man wants, given that he has told me he wants a serious relationship and even invited me to a friend’s wedding. Is he serious or simply manipulating me? Please help.

 

Hi,

I suggest that you leave this relationship for three reasons. The first has to do with your values system. You need to deal with your outlook on what makes a relationship. What is your part in it? You should realise that if you remain a passive participant, you will end up unhappy. For example, how could he convince you to have sex then turn around and say  he was testing you? It is clear that he used you, simple. You should rise to the occasion and defend what you believe in. Personal values are key to you in this journey. My gut feeling is that he is manipulating you.

The second reason has to do with your priorities. It is easy to blame him for what happened, but you gave in to his request. I don’t think you he forced you but if he did, then that was wrong.

Still, you have realised that you need to sort your life out. Since you know that you compromised on your priorities, you  need to reaffirm them. You should be sure about what the priorities in a relationship are. Personally, I have realised that friendship is a priority. Build on respect, care, appreciation, trust and similar values that strengthen a relationship.

The third reason is that I feel this man is a hypocrite. All you have revealed about him  shows one thing: he is good at using people to satisfy his selfish desires. I suggest that you get out, seek emotional healing and focus on rebuilding your faith, which was affected by the sin. Know that God forgives those who come to him in faith. Forgive this man and move on.

 

He wants me but has a child with another woman and doesn’t know what to do

Dear Kitoto,

I recently met this guy and we  clicked automatically. We have discussed having a serious, long-term relationship but the problem is that he has a child with another woman. He says he does want a serious relationship but doesn’t know how to deal with the situation. Should I invest my heart and time to him or just let it go?  I’m confused, kindly help.

 

Hi,

Indeed, many people feel exactly the way you describe when they meet for the first time. Some call it “chemistry”,  feeling a bond, and other such terms. However, the reality is that marriage is built on commitment, values-based living, wise choices based on sound judgment, and faith. Many have  fallen in love with their heart, without their minds following. Most successful relationships must involve the mind.

First, marriage is a long-term relationship built on convictions, agreement, and shared expectations. This involves a journey of disclosure through open communication. What I fear that a woman might act from her heart and emotions and fail to get what she hoped to get. Finding a good spouse must be accompanied by actions that support that belief.

Second, marriage is about building your life on an agreed-upon foundation. It takes time to dig and build a foundation upon which the house will be built. Ask yourself why you believe he is the one. Try to convince yourself logically before trying to convince others that he is the one. I find it strange that he is not willing to have anything serious. What are his reasons? Are you convinced about them.

I suggest that you write down what you both agree on and what you don’t. Take time to review them personally and with him. Ask yourself whether what you agree on fundamentally is enough to build a marriage. Meanwhile, what don’t you agree on that worries you? If what worries you  outweighs what you agree on, then forget it.

For now, don’t invest what you can’t withdraw. Remain open to learn about this man and what makes a marriage tick. Don’t be in a hurry. Remember, he has a child. You need to know more about the child’s mother, and how this child will fit in your relationship. In your quest for  disclosure, do not allow yourself to be manipulated or sweet-talked into something you are not sure  about. Be alert to any intention on his part to hide any details. Commit only when you are comfortable that you have done all you need to do to know your partner well. Don’t allow yourself to be, or be seen, as naïve on any issue.