KITOTO: Women in this town don’t want a celibate man

Tuesday November 7 2017

I took a vow of celibacy until marriage or when

I took a vow of celibacy until marriage or when I get someone who is truly worth it. PHOTO| FILE 

By PHILIP KITOTO
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I am in my late twenties. I have had my share of relationships, some very good, some not so good. I took a vow of celibacy until marriage or when I get someone who is truly worth it. Several relationships have come to end when the women I was dating found out about my celibacy vow. This has prompted me to ask, are there still women who value waiting?

Most of the girls I have dated leave me, saying that I am too good and not worth hurting – they say that they will end up cheating on me, yet I give them everything they need, including love, attention and food. It is just sex that’s not in the picture.

I would like to marry next year, but as things stand, this is not possible. Is there something I am doing wrong or something I am not doing? Or is celibacy outdated?

Worried Man

  

Hi,

It is said that birds of a feather flock together. I think you are with the wrong flock. Obviously, the girls you have been dating don’t share your values. Values like sexual purity, which you should be proud of by the way, mean nothing to them.

I have seen many men and women who have remained faithful in their youth the same way you are determined to. In the end, they have rejoiced to find a companion whose values match theirs. For these women to confess that they cannot manage this kind of discipline reveals a lot about them.

Let me ride on your question and share what I believe to be key to a successful dating relationship. 

1. Choose to be responsible: Freedom without responsibility opens a door to some level of anarchy. Responsibility promises accountability to a relationship. I believe that responsible behaviour enables the harnessing of clear values such as self-control, trustworthiness, and security.

2. Remain focused: Having a clear picture of what the relationship should look like is key to the investment we are willing to make. A relationship that is starved of vision and values ends up revolving around selfish agendas that tend to be short lived. Focus calls for clear priorities. For example: What do we want this relationship to look like in the next six-12 months. It is important to have some clear attainable targets. Don’t waste time in a relationship that lacks clear direction and goals.

3. Make the sacrifice:  A farmer who expects a good crop and a worker who expects a good retirement must make investments that will later translate to a great harvest. We cannot harvest where we have not sowed a seed, otherwise, we are reaping from someone else’s work. Such an act will not last. Even ATM’s know how to respond when you seek to withdraw more than you have saved. Relationships thrive where investments of friendship, kindness, time and trustworthiness have been sowed.

4. Open up regularly: Relationships grow and deepen where those involved embrace a secure environment of communication. Open and unhindered flow of information cultivates faithfulness and gets rid of assumptions and ambiguity in a relationship. Suspicion can only be erased where a couple is free to ask each other anything without fear of intimidation or retaliation.

 

My cousin says he’s in love with me

 

Pastor Kitoto,

My cousin is madly in love with me, I try to ignore his overtures but he doesn’t get the message, and is actually resentful that I don’t appreciate his interest in me. What should I do?

 

Hello,

Let me start by suggesting that you should not encourage him in any way. From every angle, if you don’t deal with this situation firmly, it will put many people in an awkward position, starting with your families. A cousin is too close a relation to even consider an intimate relationship with. Were you to get into a relationship, this will not only bring about confusion and pain, but will also cause conflict between both your families. I suggest that you engage in a straight talk with him and let him know that you will not, under any circumstances, entertain such a relationship.

Other than telling him no, I also suggest that you avoid him just in case his emotions get the better of him. Ensure that you maintain a healthy distance and keep communication between you and him minimal. To further deter him, also let him know that if he persists with the unwanted attention he is showing you, you will let your relatives know. 

 

What’s wrong with a man asking for sex?

I am a beneficiary of advice you gave me some time back regarding my marriage, which was in the rocks. Although I did not manage to salvage my relationship, I haven’t lost faith in the institution of marriage. I request you to connect me with a certain woman called Faith whose question you answered a few weeks ago. I know this is not a dating site, but I humbly request for this favour. Please connect me to her via email. That said, I don’t think one’s commitment to a relationship should be gauged by how fast one asks for sex. I don’t see why it’s wrong for a man to ask for sex early in dating because most men are weak in that area. When discussing a relationship, sex should not be left out. It is a shame that most women walk away from a relationship just because the man mentioned sex, losing out on what could have been a lifetime relationship.

 

Hi there,

I am sorry that things did not work out for you, and thank you for your views on sex in relationships. Relationships require a lot of patience and investment. My take is that, since each person has his own interpretation of what a relationship should be, couples need to walk this road with care.

To turn the spotlight on you, you need to seek inner healing and restoration as you face the future. Finding a soulmate is both a fun and scary journey due to the fear of the unknown. This column is of the view that this journey of finding a future partner is not only unique to each person, but also special. Many factors have to be considered, which make it difficult to recommend someone or forward their contacts.

On the matter of sex, the concern I tackled was how soon and how frequent the demand of sex comes up during dating. As much as discussion about sex is important, let us not forget the fact that, as you said, most of these men who bring up this topic before marriage have a weakness. We need to move away from using sex as an experiment or test on whether one is loved or not. Sex should be a consequence of a heathy relationship.

Great relationships are about the connection and agreement a couple has when it comes to values, future dreams, and expectations. A genuine man who loves a woman for who she is will pursue her while showing respect to her choices and value system.

Of course we all have weaknesses. No one is perfect. Practicing self-control and protecting ourselves from actions that would undermine trust is one way of keeping yourself from hurt that would follow you into the future.

Keeping a relationship on course is hard work; it takes two to agree on how it will be managed.

I am grateful that you find this column helpful.

 

 

 

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