KITOTO: I’ve had enough of my man’s infidelity

I’ve had enough of my man’s infidelity

Dear Kitoto,

What would you advise a wife whose husband is a serial cheat? 

I got married in church 15 years ago. During our marriage, my husband has been unfaithful on at least three occasions.  Each time I asked him about it, he denied it then, perhaps because I  had found out, the relationship somehow fizzled out. 

He is at it again and I have just found out that he has been having an affair with another woman for some time. Some of the relationships have resulted in children and somehow I  have always forgiven him. He leads a double life. When he is with me and our children, he is a good person – not violent or abusive and provides well for the family. 

I want to walk out. I have been cheated on too many times and feel that I am a fool to have tolerated this for so long. As a Christian, can I walk away?  I want to ask him for a separation.  

Hi,

I would like to look at your question from  two angles: How do you sense that your partner is cheating on you? And when you do, how should you handle it?

While some partners who engage in extra-marital affairs keep such associations open, most cheating partners tend to be secretive.

They tell blatant lies or what some people call half-truths. They often lead double lives, which soon makes it hard for them to cover their tracks.

If your partner chooses not to reveal much about themselves, their dealings and associations, then they might be hiding something.

Some behave  the exact opposite  by being overly extravagant to blind their partner with gifts so that their partner does not get time to ask those important questions relating to any gaps they notice in the relationship. Both partners must value the authenticity of their communication and show a willingness to be vulnerable and open with each other.

In some instances, you might notice a sudden change in behaviour, grooming, and communication. The change might involve claims of working late, the adoption of a new way of grooming, keeping a new set of friends, a sudden change in work schedule, an unexplained change in spending habits, or increased travel during which it is impossible to  reach them.

People err, although this should not be intentional or repeated. What is clear about your man is that he takes pleasure in the habit. This can be hard on you, and particularly when he does not seem repentant. When one partner is repeatedly caught in the same mess, it tells of their inability to act decisively on breaking the affairs.  An unfaithful partner who is willing to stop the habit and actually follows through to restore the relationship will most likely be genuine about becoming responsible and accountable in the relationship. When your partner strays again and again and keeps giving excuses about their continued failure to reform, a level of mistrust will build up.

The stage you are at is crucial in the confrontation-healing process. It is apparent that your partner’s behaviour has pushed you to the point where you want to walk out of the marriage.  Admission of guilt must be accompanied by accepting responsibility for the mess the infidelity has created in the relationship. His repentance must be followed by accountable actions to correct the mess. For example, does he feel responsible for the children he has out of wedlock? Involving a spiritual counsellor like your pastor or serious and mature family members could help bring him to the discussion table. Don’t be quick to throw in the towel. Fifteen years is a long time to just throw away.

He should be faithful to you and not see it as doing you a favour. He must see it as part of the virtues of a healthy and growing relationship. He must see the pain he is causing the many women and children who will grow up without a father. I pray that God will use the rapport you have now to be part of his healing process. Be firm and truthful but loving.

I’m a Christian, he’s a Muslim, will marriage work for us?

Hi Mr  Kitoto,

Thank you for offering consolation to those in need.

I am 25 and in a relationship with a 23-year- old man whom I met at the university in 2015. He is a Muslim while I am a Christian.

What upsets me is the age difference and the fact that he is a Muslim because I will have to adhere to the Islamic code of conduct, such as wearing a buibui even though I am not a Muslim.

Our kids will be raised up in the Islamic faith. I love him very much and he loves me too and he is planning to introduce  me to his parents and close relatives in December.

Is there any problem with a Christian marrying a Muslim?

Hi,

Being in an interfaith relationship presents a couple with  extra diversities to deal with. Two people who are engaged or dating need to deal with such issues and come to a common understanding on their expectations and not leave such issues until they are  married. The fact is that religious beliefs can be fundamentally different. Whether you are dating or planning to marry someone and you realise that you have conflicting religious beliefs, or one partner suddenly convert to  beliefs that used to cause a rift, then such issues must be addressed.

In marriage, even two people going to different churches must accommodate the reasons for each other’s  feelings and beliefs, keeping in mind that religious beliefs, or lack thereof, have the potential to determine one’s outlook and behaviour in a relationship.

According to Patrick F. Fagan, a research fellow in family and cultural issues, religious practice promote the well-being of individuals, families, and the community.  Since religious beliefs have the potential to determine behaviour and values in a family, spouses need to be mindful of each other’s  views.

What do you do when your partner

holds religious views that are different from yours? Here are some issues to think about:

1. What makes my partner’s beliefs fundamentally different from mine? Are these beliefs I can live with? Make it your aim to be respectable, pleasant and careful; do not use antagonizing language that can escalate religious tensions.

2. Clearly express your religious convictions and expectations as a Christian without entertaining threats or demeaning language. Words have a way of causing irreparable damage.

3. Be careful regarding issues you strongly disagree on and avoid either party becoming disrespectful or judgmental towards the other.

4. Learn to respect and accept that each person has a right to hold a different religious opinion and that either party is entitled to make a conscious choice on matters of religion and faith. Neither of you has the right to force their conversion, beliefs, or practices on the other.

You have raised questions I believe are important to you and which, should you get married, you will both need to confront. It is up to you to gauge them in light of my discussion above.

Since religion  can affect the stablility of a  marriage, you must make every effort to embrace what can be enhanced by faith and practice. Two people cannot walk  together unless they have agreed.Such agreement  includes religious issues and finances, among others. A couple that embraces common religious beliefs can achieve  a much higher level of marital happiness and stability, greater accountability, and less tension on how to raise their children. Marriage is about making wise choices that we must be willing to live by, and defend.

I’m  now a married man but my female friends  just won’t let go

Hello Kitoto, 

Thanks for the good work.

EVen after I got married a year ago, I have found that most of my female friends want to have a relationship with me. Some are ex girlfriends but still want to continue having a relationship with me as mistresses. I get flabbergasted when a married woman asks to be my “side chick” just because we never got intimate when we were dating. It is “normal” for a man to have a mistress  but there is always that “button” that most men find very hard to press to resist getting entangled in extra-marital relationships.

E.A.

Hi,

While men take pride in having many women chasing after them, women do the same but tend to keep it a  low-key affair. Whichever way you look at it, this still does not augur well for the stability of a relationship. Good, stable relationships thrive on mutual accountability and faithfulness. Issues of trust and faithfulness arise in relationships when either partner secretly or openly engages in affairs.

You can only communicate such faithfulness in the way you practice virtues like self-control and self-discipline. Instead of a man priding himself in the many affairs he has openly or secretly, he will gain much more using only half of that energy and resources if he puts them into a monogamous relationship. Greater attention to details that add value come with the priority and focus we place on a relationship. This is possible because of the undivided attention. When a man finds it hard to keep off relationships that compromise his marriage, it shows a basic lack of self-discipline.

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