What not to say to the bereaved

Some words or statements miss this objective by miles and come across as uncalled for, insensitive, and totally misplaced. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • Acknowledge and try to understand the pain and disillusionment the person is going through. Don’t try to diminish it or water it down. Offer a shoulder for someone to lean on. Don’t tell them it is nothing.
  • Some words or statements meant to comfort may come across as uncalled for, insensitive, and totally misplaced.
  • In the recent past, people no longer “mourn” but celebrate the departed. This is a noble approach. However, we associate celebration with partying hence the family finds it confusing to be asked to “party” when they are in grief.

Upon the demise of someone we know or a family member of a friend, we feel obliged to condole and comfort with them. We rush to their side or call and text them to ensure that they are not alone in their difficult times.

Despite our best intention or closeness to a person that is mourning, conversation often doesn't flow as well as we'd like. We find ourselves lacking the words that can console or bring relief to the bereaved. Some words or statements miss this objective by miles and come across as uncalled for, insensitive, and totally misplaced. Some of them are: 

1.At least he or she was elderly – This is insensitive because no matter how old a family member is, there is no time we are set to release them from this life. No one wants their parent dying just because they are 80. 

2. We loved him/her but God loved him/her more – Definitely God loves all of us but to insinuate that God has taken him/her because of the much love is to miss the point. We are not in a tussle on who loves more. If God cares for us, why not let the deceased remain on earth? Don’t make God’s look bad.

3. God picks the best from His flower garden – This is a lovely thought. However, shouldn’t God let His best remain with us? Does it mean that if God picks the best, then those of us alive don’t make the mark? We are all precious in God’s sight whether dead or living.

4. Don’t cry – This comes out as the most insensitive. Death is painful and cuts deep into the heart. Leave people to mourn and grief. Let people cry. It’s ok! Don’t be embarrassed if you see them crying. Give them time even if the wailing is loud.

5. Don’t think about it – Really! Do you expect someone not to think about a departed friend/family member? One cannot help but think about the deceased. Let them look at the photos and other memorabilia. That is a good way of mourning. 

6. Pull yourself together – Mourning people have no strength to pull themselves together. They need you to support them but not demand of them to pull themselves together. Be the pillar they need. 

7. Accept and move on – There can be a perception that the bereaved is taking too long to overcome the loss. They may still be low and teary weeks after the burial or withdrawn and unable to perform they day to day chores or duties. We should never underestimate the impact of losing a loved one. Be gentle and patient. 

8. No need crying, he/she has gone to a better place – Who can argue with such a foresight? Heaven is a place that many look forward to. However, going to heaven does not reduce the sorrow of the family. We all long for heaven but the truth be told, we want to live longer on earth with our friends and family. 

9. Don’t mourn, just celebrate – In the recent past, people no longer “mourn” but celebrate the departed. This is a noble approach. However, we associate celebration with partying hence the family finds it confusing to be asked to “party” when they are in grief. They truly thank God for the life of the departed but they mourn him/her as well. Don’t be impatient with those who choose to “mourn” instead of “celebrating.”

10. Let them rest. he/she has suffered so much – It is distressing to watch over someone undergo suffering. Even when death is imminent, we never fully reconcile with death. If the deceased was impaired and such contributed to his/her death,  don’t ever think its “good riddance” for the family. 

11. Was the person born again? – This is a dicey question that seeks to understand the destination of the deceased. Nobody wants to be put in place to judge the destination of the deceased. No one wants to imagine the departed may have missed heaven. 

12. God will give you another child – This is really cruel to tell a grieving a parent. While intended to show hope, no child can replace another. Every child is special and should be treated as such. God will indeed bless them with another baby but they will also keep the memories of the deceased one too. 

13. Did you do everything to save the deceased?/Tell us the truth – Can you imagine that people can  tell it to your face that you didn’t pray enough, try enough, or believe enough to save the life of the deceased? Worse still they can imply that you had something to do with the death. In some cases, certain deaths might raise eyebrows. That is better left to the justice system to deal with..

14. I know or I understand how you feel – You might have faced a similar grief but even if yours might have been worse, it doesn’t take away the pain of another. Allow people to grief without interjecting with memories of your own bereavements. Use the lessons and comfort you received to comfort the grieving.

15. I will be there for you – Many who utter this mean well. However, I think it is based more on sympathy than compassion since few fulfill it. When the burial is done, they mostly vanish. Unless you mean it, don’t say it. Don’t raise force hopes.

16. What will you do now? – A good question but misplaced. When death occurs, the bereaved are not sure how to proceed. They need all the help they can get. Don’t kill them with questions they cannot answer immediately. Help them think what should be done.

17. How did he/she die? – This is almost a natural question when we hear that someone has passed on. It is fine to ask as long as you respect that the family may not have all the facts at the moment or may want to keep details secret. Don’t interrogate.

18. They deserved it –  We may have known the lifestyle of the deceased and hence appoint ourselves as the ones to confirm that death was imminent. Regardless of the lifestyle of the deceased the family will still feel the sting of death. Never forget that in many ways, the family could be ashamed of how the deceased lived. Don’t bash them with self-righteous posturing.

19. Posting information on social media –  Let the family be the ones to spread the information. Share what they have posted. Alternatively, find out what they want shared and help out. If you must inform some people, just call to control who get the information.

20. God could be sparing them from something worse – This sounds like a comforting statement. However, you don’t have to die for God to protect you. He preserves the living from danger too.

21. Maybe God is punishing you – It is unbelievable that some people can imply that the bereaved are being punished by God for an unknown or confessed sin. This is followed by a call to them to repent and be cleansed from the sin that caused the death. These cruel thoughts imply that God would rather call someone to attention by “killing” a family member.

22. Don’t worry; God is in control – Yes indeed God is in control. People may not argue with that. However, a young mother left with two small children or teenagers who just lost their parents will definitely face some worries. Their future looks bleak. Acknowledge their fears.

23. You are still young – To a young widow/widower, this tends to draw their attention to another marriage. This could be a right statement but wrong timing. A husband/wife will find it offensive if they not allowed to mourn but are pushed towards thinking about a replacement.

24.  God has answered by healing him/her eternally – It’s God’s prerogative on who lives and who leaves. The insensitivity arises since it might show that God ignored their pleas and answered in a totally opposite way.

25.   That was God’s will –This statement leaves many confused since if God can give life, why did He choose to take away the one of the departed.  The mourners know that God’s will always prevail but they don’t want to see Him as an antagonist. Don’t make them feel helpless in the hands of a powerful God

______

What then should you say/do? 

  • Sometimes mourners don’t need you to say anything. Your physical presence is good enough. Just sitting there or hanging out with person as they plan the funeral is good enough. This is ministry of presence.

  • Protect them from conmen and swindlers who may want to take advantage of them in their most vulnerable state.

  • Offering help to run the home or baby sit is also fair enough. Give your financial help as well. You can give your car or offer to drive the person around. Ensure there is food for the family and snacks for guests.

  • “I will pray for you” and “I am very sorry” could be good enough. Anymore words including probing how, where, and when the person died are not helpful. Couple that with some uplifting music/worship. It soothes the soul. Pray and read uplifting Scriptures to them. They may feel like God is very far. Understand them and show His love to them

  • “How can I help?” is also a credible question. However, don’t just sit and wait for an answer. Think through the needs of the home/person and offer the help. If small children are involved, offer to pick and drop from school. They could stay in your house with you as well. Be careful as a woman not to be seen as if you are taking over the widower’s home. Be wise on how much you can do.

  • Understand that all the condolences received from friends and family can be overwhelming. Give the person time to rest. Encourage them to eat and take them for a walk or drive. Handle their phones and respond to incoming messages.

  • Acknowledge and try to understand the pain and disillusionment the person is going through. Don’t try to diminish it or water it down. Offer a shoulder for someone to lean on. Don’t tell them it is nothing.

  • No matter the circumstance surrounding the death,  never assume the loss means nothing to the bereaved. Never make them feel like they didn’t do enough to avert the death.

  • Be there for them a little longer – once the burial is done, plan to spend more time with the family/friend. Visit and call them. If they need further help like counselling, registering the death, clearing offices, disposing the deceased/personal items, and following pension/properties, see how you can assist. If they need a holiday or a retreat to rewind, help them plan for one.