A present for a push

On Wednesday, October 1, Eric Macakiage, an ICT specialist, organised a welcome fit for a prince for his newborn.

He hired a Hummer limousine and a Range Rover sport, and a convoy of cars ferrying a videography team to escort his wife and new son home.

At the hospital entrance, there was champagne popping and a photo session for baby Jayden, now known as Nairobi’s most pampered baby.

Six months before this, on February 7, first time mother Lucy Wama labored for eight hours and finally got to hold her gorgeous baby girl in her arms.

And her daughter was not the only gift she received; she was pleasantly surprised when her husband of two years whisked her off to a beach resort in Zanzibar for a week-long vacation which he referred to as their ‘babymoon’.

Yes, the push present culture has finally arrived in Kenya. Push presents are gifts given to a new mother by her partner to show his appreciation for having carried the pregnancy and given birth.

In England and India, women were traditionally gifted with jewellery after recovering from childbirth. In the past decade, Hollywood seems to have caught on.

When American singer Beyonce birthed her daughter Blue Ivy in 2012, her husband placed an extra-large blue sapphire ring on her finger.

Reality television star Kim Kardashian was gifted a lavish ring worth US$750,000 (approximately Sh67.5 million) by her husband, rapper Kanye West, following the birth of their daughter North in June last year.

Kenyan men are also catching up, and they are giving their partners expensive push presents ranging from designer jewellery and communication gadgets to vacations and cars.

When she was admitted into hospital for a scheduled Caesarean section some time last year, Faith Mbaka was expecting a bouquet of flowers and maybe some champagne from her husband of four years after delivery.

When she came to, he surprised her with a pair of diamond earrings. Two months later, he gave her a luxury car. “It was unexpected but very appreciated. I couldn’t hold back my tears,” she recalls.

I earned it!

Only about two decades ago, a newborn was seen as enough of a gift to a new mother and to the family. So what has changed? Should all new mothers expect gifts?

Saturday Magazine asked seven expectant women what they thought. While all seven of these mothers-to-be said that they would love to receive push presents from their partners, only two of them thought that their husbands would buy them presents following delivery. One of them even knew exactly what she wants to be gifted and has been dropping hints for several weeks now.

“I have earned it. I will be disappointed if I don’t get it. Carrying a pregnancy to term isn’t easy. I want him to do something to show me that he appreciates me as the mother of his child,” this 28-year-old first time mother says.

While our expectant study subjects all admitted to wanting gifts, there are women with a completely different thought process. “Why should you get rewarded for doing something that women have been doing for thousands of years,” poses Miriam Sifuma, a mother of four.

She reckons that childbirth is a partnership where the woman endures the delivery while the man takes care of the bills and gives her emotional support. In her view, a woman who expects an expensive present is being materialistic. It’s like expecting to be paid for childbirth.

“I also have a problem with the word ‘push’. It sounds like it is a bad thing that a woman needs to be compensated for. How about an adoptive mum? Doesn’t she need to be appreciated or to celebrate the arrival of her new child simply because she didn’t actually give birth to the child?” she asks.

Unnecessary extravagance?

What do men feel about giving push presents? “A baby is ample reward and I wouldn’t want to feel like I was paying my wife to do it. A child’s birth, however, is something that I want all of us to remember. After each of my two children was born, I sent a goat home to my in-laws as a token of appreciation,” says George Njei, 35.

Calvin, 28, hadn’t heard about push gifts until now. After giving it some thought he says that when that time comes, he will gift the woman that will birth his child. “The sentiment is good,” he says. “I’d however hate to find myself in a position where I’d be trying to outdo friends and family. It would be a good gift if she was blissfully unaware.”

Seeing as the men are doing it even when their women do not seem to expect it, is this a sign that we have turned a page from the good old days when child bearing and rearing was left to the woman until the child was old enough to make the father proud by acing the national exams?

Does this mean that men have become more sympathetic towards their pregnant partners or is this new trend an unnecessary extravagance? Is a posh gift what a mother needs after delivery?

I pose these questions to marriage therapist Ezekiel Ngobia. Ezekiel doubts that men have suddenly become more affectionate; he attributes this new trend to increased consumerism, which has people believing that being loved needs to translate to spending money.

“I have seen expensive gifts being used as a cover for dysfunctional relationships. A man who hasn’t been the best father or husband, may think that an expensive gift will make it all better leaving the real issue unresolved. A token of appreciation is good but how about giving more practical gifts that will be of use to the new mother? Or a gift that the whole family can use to celebrate the new arrival?”

What does a mother need?

Mother of four Emma Wanja agrees that birth isn’t just about the mother, but about the entire family. Her husband presented her with a ring immediately after the delivery of her lastborn a year ago.

When she had left the hospital five weeks later, he surprised her with a bigger family car, which can comfortably ferry the bigger family.

“It was not just a gift; he actually put some thought into it,” she says.

“What a new mother needs is love and emotional support. If I were to have more children I wouldn’t ask for more,” says Flo, a mother of five.

When she had twins last July, her husband Fred was at her beck and call.

When she came home with the babies, he bought a little fridge for the bedroom to ensure that she had a constant supply of fresh juices, and singlehandedly took care of their other children as she recovered.

Does she know a woman who received an expensive push gift? Yes. Is she envious or disappointed?

“I think they are a good idea but it isn’t enough. When a man isn’t involved, he might think that his part in raising the child is over once he hands over the gift,” she says.

Joyce Muigai, a mother of one, isn’t averse to push gifts, but from her own experience, seeing a friend with an expensive gift doesn’t mean that their spouse is attentive to them or is a good father.

“I have just one friend who received a push gift from her man. She had demanded it. I know that they didn’t have money for it at the time but he took out a loan just to keep the peace at home.”

In her view, if these gifts will put pressure on men who can’t afford them to the extent of putting the family finances on the line, then they are a bad thing.

After talking to both sexes, several things become clear. While childbirth is an emotionally and physically taxing experience which can’t be compensated, every new mother wants a little pampering.

Whether a push present is a blessing or a curse depends on the context within which it is given.

Is the woman in question expecting it or demanding it because she feels she deserves to be rewarded or does the man just feel a need to honour his woman for bringing their child into this world?

If women don’t expect them and fathers are not pressured to give, they may be blessings.