Got a relationship issue? Pick a nice onion and read on...

Conflicts in relationships are a fact of life. Anyone who seeks happiness in a relationship must be ready to deal with them.

In today’s article, I will share with you an important tool for analysing a conflict, so that you may resolve it. The tool is named the onion model, and aptly so because it applies the layered anatomy of an onion to explain relationship issues. So, visualise an onion, or better still, get one as you read this piece.

The onion tool explained

The onion model is a tool for conflict analysis. It looks at three very important aspects of a relationship, namely positions, interests, and needs. These aspects are understood as being in layers: positions as the outer layer, interests in the middle, and real needs as the inner core.

So how can we use this to understand a conflict?

Positions

The outer layer represents the positions that we take publicly; what we want everyone to hear as our position on a certain issue. And just like the top layer of an onion, they cause little discomfort.

For example, Atieno is unhappy that her mother-in-law has been making demands on her husband James, who has not informed her. She feels she is being sidelined. She feels that her mother in law is interfering with their marriage.

However, when her friends point out the interference, Atieno publicly declares that she thinks James is right, and even calls her mother-in-law to assure her that she has no hard feelings. That is simply a public stance. It is not the real situation on the ground.

Interests

Atieno’s position is likely to be as a result of another important aspect of life: our interests, whether personal or collective. These interests represent things we value, such as children, finances, family honour, personal social status and identity, and such like things.

In seeking to protect these interests, the real needs can very easily be obscured or even entirely abandoned. In the example above, Atieno feels that if the issue is addressed, her husband might look weak and in the process somehow harm the marriage.

As you might be thinking already, it is s a tricky situation because in reality, these interests are important to us. But the issue here is that when one does not understand what and whose interests are at play, a relationship can be all about protecting interests as real needs remain unattended to.

Like in Atieno’s case, honouring her husband is important to her, but it should not be allowed to smother her need for security in the marriage.

Needs

The inner core of the onion represents the real needs that should be understood if a conflict is going to be resolved satisfactorily. It represents the things that take a long time and great deal of soul searching before people can finally reveal them to anyone.

For example in our case study, Atieno’s real issue is feeling that her husband does not value her. She is therefore insecure in the relationship, sometimes even worrying that her mother-in-law might try to replace her.

She knows that to be her need, but regularly tries to shield her husband from it, fearing it would rock their boat.

This happens to many people when a relationship lacks the stability and trust that would allow for such a discussion to happen. And this is where an analysis becomes necessary to help us to peel away the layers that have coated our real needs.

These three aspects are closely related and will be influencing our lives at any one time. Peeling down the layers brings more discomfort but in the end, real issues in the relationship will be addressed and we will give ourselves a better chance of being happy.