Hurtful words from parents leave children scarred for life

“Kuja hapa, mjinga wewe!” The young mother shouted at her son, a boy of about three years. Young as he was, the boy flinched at being called stupid, even though I doubt he really understood what the word meant.

He meekly but hesitantly approached his mother, fear in his eyes, eliciting more abuse from the mother. I was pained and embarrassed on the small boy’s behalf and, from the expression of others who had overheard the torrent of abuse from this mother towards her child, they too were dismayed.

I know someone who grew up being told how “useless” and “foolish” he was by his father, and how he would amount to “nothing”. He could do no right in his father’s eyes. Because of this, he grew up with serious self-esteem issues, and constantly sought validation from others. It is a miracle that he managed to perform well in school considering the constant put-downs from his father.

Today, this friend, a graduate, is a manager and, although he managed to prove his father wrong, he still battles with feelings of worthlessness, and an inferiority complex, and thrives on approval.

He is brilliant, though this does not shine through, and I am convinced that he would be many steps higher in his career if he did not have to carry this painful childhood yoke around his neck.

His younger sister’s story is quite different – growing up, it was obvious to everyone who knew them that she was their father’s darling.

He heaped praise on her and magnified all her achievements, however small. This friend once told me that even though his sister performed well in school, he was a far better student, something that his father never acknowledged.

His sister graduated from law school three years ago  and, even though he is six years older than her, most people assume that she is older, probably due to how she carries herself – she is outspoken, immensely confident and is the kind that has that enviable take-charge attitude.

There is no doubt that in a few years’ time, she will become a reputable lawyer in this town.

A while back, I told you about a friend who once confided in me that she does not like her mother and that, were the clock to be wound back and she was asked to choose a mother, she would not even glance in her mother’s direction.

Criticised everything

According to her, ever since she could remember, her mother criticised everything she did, and managed to single out something negative, even as others praised her for a job well done, and patted her back.

She concluded that if we’re honest, the fact is that not every woman has a good relationship with their mother.

More men than women comment on this column, but when I opened my inbox the next day, I had an avalanche of e-mails from women, all talking about their bitter relationships with their mothers.

Most of these women cited criticism as the core catalyst of the sour relationship they had with their mothers. Those with daughters said that every day, they made a conscious effort not to pass that kind of negativity to their daughters.

I don’t think one needs a degree in psychology to understand the kind of impact that a rude word, or ungentle word, or abuse has on a human being.

You can shrug off unkindness if it comes from a stranger, or someone you can easily cut off from your life, however, if it comes from a parent, and in repeated doses for that matter, it can scar you for life.

Ask my friend, or the many Kenyan women who frown, instead of smiling, when they think about their mothers.