Why you shouldn’t use withdrawal of affection to discipline a child

It’s early Friday evening, and drama day at a certain primary school in Nairobi. The students whose performances stood out are being awarded as the day comes to an end.

One mother, a 34-year-old filmmaker, is ecstatic; her little girl’s solo verse was the best. She hugs and kisses her child and tells her – and anyone who cares to listen – how great she was. When they leave for home, the two will pass by their favourite fast food restaurant to grab the child’s favourite chips and chicken. At the previous open day several months ago, the little girl did not shine.

In fact, she forgot her lines and broke down during her performance. The mother couldn’t hide her disappointment.

She bought nothing for and said nothing to the little girl on the way home.

A few apartment blocks away from the school, a young mother is feeding her 10-month-old son. She is happily talking and smiling to the child when suddenly, the child spits out his food.

She stops in her tracks and her smile turns into a frown. When the baby stretches out his arms to be held, she turns away and instead focuses on cleaning up the mess.

Perception versus reality

These sound like regular occurrences in everyday parenting. If asked, these two parents would say that they love their children unconditionally. However, is this how their children perceive it?

Because by withholding love when their children err, the message the parents send is: ‘I don’t just love you. I love you because...’

“My father always held me at an arm’s length,” says James, a 27-year-old actor. He remembers constant messages of disapproval growing up.

“My father was a banker and my mother a teacher. They wanted my sister and me to have office jobs. My sister met those conditions and she was loved for it. My father still ridicules my career choice,” he says.

Parents often unconsciously use love as a bargaining chip, praising and showing open affection for their children for academic and athletic achievements, and withdrawing it when their children are wrong.

Does knowing that their parent’s affection needs to be earned make a child more motivated? “It does,” says Ida Too, a Nairobi based psychotherapist.

A child might grow up to be a highly-motivated adult.

The downside is that their self-esteem will be at risk. She explains: “A parent’s love should be a constant in a child’s life. When a child begins seeing it as something that must be earned, she will grow up with feelings of inadequacy.”

This child will grow up to be that adult who draws their sense of acceptance from close ones in their lives from success. They will believe that if they do things well enough, they will be loved for it.  They will never feel good enough.

This doesn’t mean that a parent should give up rewarding or punishing their child for rights or wrongs.

Educator and author Alfie Kohn in his book Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason, writes that the first step to achieving unconditional love is to start thinking about what your child needs rather than how to get them to do what you want. Your child needs unconditional love – knowing that you will love them even when they wrong.

Praise in the wake of an achievement is not bad; selective praise is.

Do not only praise your child when they do things that you want. Be careful about showing more than usual amount of affection even when a child excels.

Activities to try

• Pay attention to how you show affection on a daily basis. When looking into your child’s actions or performance, the difference between conditional and unconditional love is that is that conditional love evaluates and labels while unconditional love describes. Try the following activities.
• The next time your child fails, lavish them with love.
• If your child performs exceptionally well at school, instead of saying something like, “This is great, you are a good boy,” try evaluating the situation. You can say something like, “I see you scored very high grades in English, how did you manage that?”
• When they fail, instead of withdrawing, come up with solutions together.
• Work with your child rather than talking over them.
• Refrain from telling your child, ‘I love you’ when they so something good. Evaluate the deed instead.