My husband is verbally abusive because I had six miscarriages

Dear Mr Kitoto,
I am 43 and married to a 48 year old man. We have been married for the past 17 years. We have a 25 year old daughter and a 13 year old son.

Between 2008 and 2012, I had six miscarriages, two at three months each, and the rest at five months. 

Trouble started in my house after my third miscarriage. My husband began cheating and abusing me.

He would come home from the bar and call me all manner of names — dog, unproductive, useless, stupid, and add that I am only able to excrete dead children. He tells me that he must marry again since he cannot die with one child.

I was so affected when I realised that he was having an affair that I developed hypertension.

After I did some soul searching, I decided to have a talk with him. I sat him down and told him that I would rather we both accepted our life as it is because only God knows why I had all the miscarriages.

I also told him that if marrying another woman was the solution to his happiness, then he was free to do so. I was done with trying and would never give him another child.

Since then, there has been no peace in my marriage. I have tried to make things work but to no avail. 

He is not bothered about investing and so I was forced to take a loan two years back so as to build us a house.

I was also thinking of developing our shamba to get extra income and maybe save for our son’s education, but the man is just impossible to deal with. 

The only thing he does is drink. He doesn’t provide food and has never paid his son’s fees since 2007. 

When I confront him about the calls and messages he gets, he claims that I am making false accusations and should not check his phone. 

He used to leave his phone anywhere, saying I was his secretary and should answer his phone calls but nowadays he switches it off while at home.

Whenever I ask him for money, we end up quarrelling. I don’t respect him any more and answer back when he insults me and hit him back if he hits me. 

Now he keeps saying that he is not doing well at work and can decide any time to quit and go to our rural home.

He claims he loves me but I think my love for him is dying by the day. 

He even insults his son for no reason. We have considered living apart but this is yet to happen. 

I am ready to move out because I feel so used. When I think of the embarrassment I will cause him, my heart tells me not to. What should I do?

Hi,

It saddens me that someone would use words to cause another person so much pain. I sympathise with you and the miscarriages you have had. It was not your fault.

However, you should not allow his insults to make you become like him. You are a much better person. Learn to love and appreciate yourself.

Your self-esteem should not be crushed by his reckless words. Secondly, I believe you know that doctors can help you find a solution to your miscarriages, so you should seek medical advise.

The fights you are having can, and should, be avoided. We are encouraged to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. This helps, particularly when one partner is quick at using provocative language.

Relationships can become a nightmare if we respond to such provocation without wisdom and intelligence.

I suggest that you move with wisdom and care and weigh your words before speaking. I would also like to suggest that you deal with your heart.

A wounded heart and emotions that have been battered by such words will only seek revenge. Therefore, I suggest that you seek inner healing.

Seeing a professional counsellor to help you deal with your inner wounds is advisable. This will restore proper perspective and guide your future.

No one should live in fear of the person they love. Your husband’s actions seem to be largely associated with alcohol. Undergoing counselling or confiding in trusted friends will give you the much needed support.

Being bitter and angry will not help; instead it will make you an unpleasant person to be with. He is using domestic violence for one purpose: to gain and maintain total control over you.

I believe you have the capacity to create an atmosphere that is different from what he wants to create. Be strong and courageous. Help your son to still love and respect his dad.

Let your son not carry this baggage of abuse and bitterness, otherwise he might turn out like him.

I want more than just friendship with her:

Dear Philip,

I love this girl but she seems only interested in friendship. Sometimes we are very close while at other times we are completely distant, especially when I open up about what I feel for her.

We have been planning to start a business together but I am not sure that it is a good idea as she might only be interested in me as a business partner.

I hope she is not just using me. What do I do? I really need to know the best option. I am patient and can wait for things to work out; but if they don’t, I have no problem letting go.

I wouldn’t want to be that stupid guy stuck in an awkward situation.

Tosh

Hi,

I would like you to open your eyes to the fact that a great friendship, if well maintained, can lead to a great marriage.

The goal in such a situation would be to ensure that the friendship matures with time through practising good communication.

Friendships based on common interests provide an opportunity to discover each others’ interests.

If both of you are interested in business, then use some of your time to talk about it and find out the areas in which you agree.

However, engaging in business with a person you have feelings for but still have doubts about their commitment might complicate things.

From the word go, let her clarify whether what she wants is friendship or an opportunity to do business with you. Don’t get it mixed up.

What I see is an attempt to pursue a woman who is not ready for what you want. Could it be that you are rushing her into an intimate relationship she is not ready for?

I also feel like you really have no idea who she is.

Take time to define what you want from this relationship, sit down with her and communicate what you want clearly.

Feelings alone do not make a relationship. As much as they may be part of the start and growth of a relationship, what we feel might be far the reality. So, use you intelligence.

I’m a single mum of four looking for a serious man

Dear Kitoto,

Thanks for the superb job that you are doing.

I am a mature, responsible 36 year old woman with a young son. I have also adopted my older sisters’ two sons and daughter as she is mentally challenged and cannot take care of them.

I have never been married, and my son’s father does not contribute to his upkeep. I am reasonably financially stable and live alone with these kids, who all go to school.

I would love to find a mature and honest man to settle down with. I do not want to be a second wife, and neither do I want to date younger men.

That said, I would like any information on Kenyan dating sites, groups, clubs for mature people or even groups for divorced, widowed or sterile men (38 years and above) which I can join so as to meet a life partner. Any assistance will be greatly appreciated.

Hi,
I commend you for being a mother to your sister’s children. That in itself is a hard task. Being a parent is not easy, and particularly if you are taking care of children who are not yours. I have seen many people who find it difficult to do what you are doing.

On top of this, being a single mother of four children is a responsibility that requires discipline, patience and hope. I am glad you have been able to provide financially for their upkeep and schooling.

That is truly commendable. It is a sacrifice many would find hard to make since it keeps one away from engaging in other relationships.

You kind of focus is what most single parents need. I agree that being a second wife or looking for a man just for the sake of having a husband can be the worst nightmare.

People get into relationships for different reasons. It would be advisable to count the cost of getting married.

Being married is a journey on its own as it comes with responsibilities and emotional engagements that you might need to evaluate before you commit.

You sound like a decent, focused person who really knows what they want in life. But take care to ensure that your desire for a life partner does not derail you or push you in a relationship that could end up compromising you.

With the children under your care, be careful not to end up with a man who might mess up their future.

That said, there is beauty in finding a man you can share your life with. A friend who can understand you and support you and be a father to those children.

I might not be in a position to recommend any dating sites but would encourage to socialise at family events you are invited to. Many have found the love of their life at simple but decent social events such as weddings.

He insists on a DNA test to prove my baby is his

Hi,

I am a 21 year old medical student and I have been in dating this man for a year. Early this year, I found out I was pregnant.

When I broke the news to him, he told me to have an abortion. I tried but did not succeed. He has refused to take responsibility for the pregnancy and says he will only do so after a DNA test.

My mum tells me that his actions show that he doesn’t trust me and I should not do what he wants. What should I do?

Hi,

From the little you have shared, one gets the impression that: First, this pregnancy was not planned. When two people date, they must look at the consequences of sex outside marriage.

Second, your boyfriend was interested in sex but not ready to take responsibility for his actions.

Telling you to have an abortion was not really a smart move on his part. A woman can take time off from her studies to give birth and go back to school.

Him asking you to procure an abortion shows his lack of values. Third, this man’s request that a DNA test be conducted shows that he is suspicious of something.

It is clear from that statement that he does not trust you. I agree with your mother’s sentiments. Do not allow yourself to be short-changed again. Move on, have the baby and go back to college thereafter.

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Steering your relation through chaos

Keep the vision: Vision is a mental picture of what you dream your relationship will be like in the near future. It is well known that without a vision, relationships perish. Vision helps a couple stay together even when navigating rough waters.

Learn to celebrate: Every couple must learn to celebrate their small achievements just as much as they do the big ones. Celebrate each other’s achievements instead of competing or feeling jealous.

Stay the course: Rough and chaotic waters tend to drive us off course. That is why we hear of vessels getting lost at sea. Marriage passes through stormy times. However, keeping the vision and staying the course will keep your union intact.

Remain best friends: Some people often get jealous when those close to them achieve great success.

It is also true that bad friends resent others looking better than them and, therefore, hold them back.

A good friend will cry and celebrate with you. Unity is created through achieving success together in things that matter.