Step parenting: How to do it right

The ideal family is made up of a father, mother, and child. While such a family structure is the norm, the reality is that marital breakup happens, so does the death of a spouse.

With separated or widowed individuals finding love again, stepfamilies, or blended families if you like, become inevitable. A blended family is where one or both partners have at least one child from a previous relationship and are living together as a family.

So, what is life like for blended families? What are some of the challenges stepparents face and how do they deal with them? We spoke to two women, who tell us how they have managed to navigate this challenging responsibility.

Leah Wangari, 34, is a mother-of-five: two stepchildren and three biological children

Leah was only 22 when she got married.

Her husband, separated from the mother of his two children, had full custody.

When she moved in with him, she found herself the instant mother of a nine-year-old girl and a seven-year-old boy.

However, having known about the children during their courtship, Leah felt capable of successfully taking up the new responsibilities of being a mother. After all, all she had to do was love them, right?

“Before we started living together, the children and I occasionally talked on the phone and through email and seemed to get along. Also, my husband had done a fairly good job of preparing them for my entry into their lives,” she says.

Leah, therefore, assumed that the forming a bond with the children would be easy since they were already familiar with one another.

She was wrong.

IT TOOK MONTHS

“It took months for us to be comfortable around one another and adjust to our new lives. The connection was not as instant as I had thought it would be,” she remembers.

Another factor she had not considered was the fact that she would not have her husband to herself, like most newly wedded women did.

“Still in my honeymoon phase, I wanted to spend a lot of time with my husband. However, this was not possible because I had walked into an already established family and it wasn’t just about me and him, but about the children too.”

She says her husband’s former wife also turned out to be a stumbling block in her efforts to gain her stepchildren’s trust. 

“Each time the children returned home after a visit with her, they would ignore me and try to keep me at bay. They would also refuse to eat my food and disobey me. I later got to learn that their mother would tell them that I would poison them and that since I was not their biological mother, I had no authority over them,” she says.

In an effort to win the children over and to hasten their acceptance of her, Leah would be overly nice to them.

“Sometimes I would have made my own plans, such as an appointment at the hair salon, but when the children suddenly requested me to do something with them, I would shelve all my plans for fear of disappointing them. After a while, however, I realised that I was not being true to myself or them and began paying more attention to my needs.”

On discipline, Leah and her husband agreed on the rules and regulations for their children.

“Generally, they were not difficult children and were well-behaved. However, on the few occasions they misbehaved, I would confiscate their favourite items or give them ‘time-out’ — I strictly left the spanking to their father.”

When it comes to her three daughters however, she does not hesitate to cane them.

With all that she knows after 12 years of experience — her stepdaughter is now 21 while her stepson is 19, Leah cautions that stepparenting requires resolve.

“Stepparenting is not for the weak. It requires a lot of emotional investment that can wear you down. Had I known what I know now, I would have gone for counselling before I got married, if only to prepare for the challenging life that was ahead of me,” she says.

These sentiments are shared by 26-year-old Charity Amima, stepmother to a seven-year-old boy and biological mother of an eight-month-old girl.

“Stepparenting is not easy; it needs someone with the heart to raise another’s child. It is very emotionally involving,” she says.

Just like Leah, Charity took up the roles of new wife and mother to a three-year-old boy at the age of 22. 

“I had met my stepson when I was dating his father and took an immediate liking to him. But once I moved in, the bond was not as automatic as I had anticipated. It took about six months for us to gel,” she says.

It has been a fairly good relationship for Leah and her stepson, which she feels has been aided by two factors.

“His biological mother, who has since remarried, has no contact whatsoever with either my husband or their son, who now considers me his mother. The fact that I came into his life when he was only three years old also helped. I think it’s easier to begin stepparenting a child when he is younger, as opposed to when he is older,” she says.

Being a little boy, he sometimes gets into mischief. However, on the few occasions that punishment is called for, Charity leaves that responsibility to her husband.

“Instead, I talk to him and make him see the consequences of his behaviour — I have never spanked him,” she says.

Charity’s decision not to punish her son is partly borne out of fear.

“He is not my biological child, so if I spank him, I fear that people might accuse me of cruelty. To avoid this, I leave the punishing to his father.

“Reprimanding a stepchild and reprimanding a biological child are two very different things,” she cautions.

EXPERT TAKE

Wendy Malinda, a stepparenting coach at Living in Step Africa, says that while sustaining a good relationship between members of a traditional nuclear family requires a lot of effort, it requires double the effort where blended families are concerned, but it can be done. If you are a stepparent who is still trying to figure out how to go about raising another person’s children, Wendy Malinda’s advice will help.

 Do not expect an immediate bond with the children, cautions Wendy. Many stepparents have high expectations that the love they show for their stepchild will be reciprocated immediately, but this is far from the truth.

It is a gradual nurturing process that requires patience.

Also, do not force a connection with your stepchildren.

Stepfamilies are borne out of loss: through death, divorce, or separation. The children, therefore, need space and time to grieve the loss and disappointment of not seeing their biological parents living together in happy marital union.

While most adults have the ability to deal with a failed relationship and move on to new love interests, children are always many steps behind. Their biological parent should, therefore, give them time to adjust to the separation before introducing a new “father” or “mother” to them. In many situations, the children blame themselves for their parents’ separation and, therefore, need constant reassurance that they are not the reason for this.

An interesting aspect in stepparenting is that children often display great loyalty to the biological parent not living with them. For instance, even if the parent is a criminal or a social misfit, the child will still have a desire to be with him or her. As the stepchild begins to form a close bond with their stepparent, such children begin to feel as if they are betraying their biological parent and this can cause them great psychological anguish.

To deal with this, this parent should give them the assurance that there is nothing wrong in developing a fondness with their stepmother/father, hard as this may be for some to do.

BIOLOGICAL PARENTS SHOULD LEAD IN DISCIPLINE

Both biological parents can sit together with the child and allow them to express their fears and worries and then reassure them that there is no harm in feeling that way. The biological parent who is not living with the child can help in this by not bad-mouthing the stepparent and, in fact, could mention that they appreciate the things that the stepparent does for the child such as cook for them and pick and drop them in school. This will help allay the guilty feelings by the child.

When it comes to discipline, the biological parent should take the lead role and spell out the punishment until the stepparent earns similar authority.

“In a stepparenting relationship, the stepparent is initially a stranger, then he becomes more of a teacher, then a close relative like an aunt or uncle, until finally, he earns the authority of a parent. At this later stage, he can discipline the child. However, getting to this stage takes years of hard work and sacrifice.

Wendy agrees that discipline issues in a blended family are tricky.

“This is because in a typical biological setting, parents are never deemed to be out to hurt a child, but in a stepparenting setting, one is easily accused of wanting to hurt or mistreat the child.”

Unfortunately, some biological parents let their children get away with indiscipline, many times because they feel guilty about the marital breakup and its effect on their children.

“They do not discipline their children because they don’t want to hurt them. For example, if the biological parent has a child for the weekend and the child misbehaves, the parent rationalises that since they are only with them for a short time, there is no need to spoil the fun by punishing them. This does more harm than good because children thrive on their parent’s guidance. When this guidance lacks, then it could be detrimental to the child.”

About to become a stepparent?

Do not do it just because you love the child’s parent. Your love for that parent alone will not be enough to raise a successful family. It is not easy to raise someone else’s child and if you do not have the heart, then do not marry the person. Stepparenting is a life of selflessness where you constantly give with no expectation of a reward.

When some parents get into a stepparent situation, they strive to get their stepchildren out of the way, for example convincing their spouse to send the children to a boarding school.

This is not the solution and in the long run, it may cause strain in your marriage as well as between you and your stepchildren since it may cause resentment.

 Major Challenges

•  Dealing with the ex-wife or ex-husband, especially if they are uncooperative.

•  Sibling rivalry or competition between biological and stepchildren

•  Legal issues, including child custody, visitation rights, legal guardianship, child support, and inheritance.

•  Trying to make a blended family work by using the approach of a biological family. These are two very different realities.

 How to do it right

•  Give children space and time to come around. Stepfamilies are borne out of a loss, so children need time to grieve and should be helped to deal with the transition into a new family structure.

•  Lower your expectations. Creating a bond with stepchildren is not automatic, and can take months or years to achieve.

•  Never bribe or go out of your way to please the children in an effort to enduce them to accept you. It will work against you since they will learn to manipulate you.

•  Operate as team. Do not pit one parent against the other.

•  Do not surprise the children with a new sibling. Prepare them beforehand.