Welcome to the age of the absent parent

The alarm goes off at 5am. You have an early morning presentation at the office and cannot afford to be late.

You struggle to get out of bed, drag yourself to the kitchen and brew a fresh pot of coffee before hitting the shower. You have just 30 to 40 minutes to leave the house before traffic starts to build up depending on where you live.

You rush to dress, pour the coffee in a traveling mug and it’s only as you are about to walk out the door that you remember the house help is not yet up and you haven’t seen your children.

You rush to her room, shout out her name and remind her that the children need to be ready before the school bus arrives at 6.30am.

Evening is no better. Working late might save you half an hour of being stuck in traffic, if you are lucky. By the time you get home, the children are asleep. That is the life of parents in the city.

PARENTAL ABSENTEEISM

Is it any wonder then that parents are ending up with children they hardly recognise because of growing up without parental care yet you live in the same house?

Regina Wanderi, the director of Family Life Educators and Counsellors, says that parental absenteeism is becoming a growing trend even though it may be unintentional among some.

“The world of work is regrettably causing parental absenteeism as they spend more time outside the home trying to earn a living and support their children,” she says.

Career coach George Nuthu says the growth of professionalism has created a desire for people to climb the corporate ladders and make more money to fund their lifestyles.

“Today, getting a good job and keeping it is pretty tough, so career development ends up taking more of a parent’s time than raising children. Parents are relegating their duties to maids, teachers, boarding schools and grandparents,” he says.

Ms Wanderi says some parents would rather spend time relaxing at social gatherings at the end of a hard week just to rejuvenate themselves.

“If they are not working, they will be attending events outside the home with family and friends without the children or just whiling away time at a restaurant,” she says.

The end result is that the children’s upbringing is left largely to house helps.

“Raising children is a big responsibility that requires a lot of sacrifice in character and discipline for you as a parent. More parents, especially the younger ones, are no longer willing to give up on their comforts and become role models so they relegate their duty to others,” says Nuthu.

PASSIVE ROLE

According to Ms Naomi, one of the trainers at Naomi’s Fountain – an academy that trains housekeepers and nannies – more parents are asking for house helps who are conversant in English not only to train their children in the language but also to assist in homework while they are away.

Nuthu says as a result of the guilt that comes with playing a passive role in the child’s life, parents end up spending a lot of money to make their children comfortable with lavish birthday parties, presents and paying for school trips to compensate for their absence.

“If the parents are not there to give adequate training and advice, children will turn to friends and the Internet to satisfy the human need to relate and have people to talk to. Over time, this manifests in them making wrong decisions,” he says.

PRIVATE AFFAIR

Ms Wanderi says the situation is further compounded by the lifestyles that most families embrace where instilling discipline is a private affair.

“Families nowadays have cocooned themselves and would even take offence if a family member, neighbour or teacher criticises the way they are bringing up their children. A neighbour will just watch as a child strays because they are afraid of action being taken by the child’s parents if they punish them,” she says.

Nuthu says that parents who play an active role in their children’s lives are better placed to advice on career paths as they have known their interest from a young age.

As they become teenagers, parents find it harder to keep up with their child’s activities.

Some parent’s do not even have an idea what the children do in their rooms with their mobile phones and computers or even who they communicate with.

“Even before giving those privileges, you need to set ground rules over their use. Clearly inform the child that favours can be withdrawn when they stop being accountable to you as the parent. They are under your care as long as they have not turned 18 years and it is your obligation to mould their interactions,” says Nuthu.

At the end of the day, when the parent receives the dreaded call from either the school that their child has misbehaved or from the police that their child has been arrested for a crime, their first reaction is denial.

“It is easier to be in denial because it deflects responsibility from you as a parent. Whatever you do, the child’s behaviour reflects negatively on the way you have brought them up,” he explains.

“Parenting should not be a by-product, where you improvise along the way. From the onset you need to decide the kind of environment you want your child to grow up in and the kind of people you want them to be in the future. We always make time for things that are a priority to us and your children should be a priority,” he says.

This article was first published in the Business Daily.