MY WEEKEND: Don’t be afraid to say what is on your mind, it will free you

Though we are becoming liberal, we are also getting more and more reserved when it comes to speaking our mind I have never met anyone as painfully forthright as my maternal grandmother.

In her 80s, but with a back that is still as upright as that of a 20-year-old, she is one of those few people who say what is on her mind with almost zero censoring.

She will, for instance, look at you and then say, in a conversational manner, with absolutely no malice, that you are getting fat. Not “big”, which is the politically correct way of referring to an overweight person, but fat, a word that sounds even worse in my mother tongue.

She has played an active role in my life since I was in nappies, and so when I decided that I had met someone worth giving up my carefree and absolutely fabulous single life, (let’s face it, marriage has its good points but it also comes with a small fat bag of challenges) one of the people I introduced him to was my grandmother.

When I told her, about eight years ago, that I would be visiting her with “someone”, in her usual blunt manner, she replied, “I hope you’re not bringing me an ugly person…” and then smiled to take the edge of her comment, a smile that did not fool me because I knew that she meant absolutely every word.

I must point out though that when she said “ugly”, she was not just referring to “someone’s” physical attributes, but his overall character as well.

LIBERAL AS NEVER BEFORE

Though our society is as liberal as never before (I mean, look around, we’re one step away from walking naked and there are even swingers among us) when introducing a future spouse to family, we switch to extreme conservative mode — we don’t go home and excitedly announce like I see white people do in movies, “Oh daddy, I met this absolutely adorable man, I am so in love, I feel as if my heart is about to burst with happiness. Oh daddy, I will die if I don’t get married to him!”

Here, in spite of our increasingly western ways, we still talk of having met “someone”, and as we reveal this life-changing news, we are unable to meet our parents’ eyes, as if we’re confessing to a serious sin. But I digress. I must confess that I was a little anxious as the visit to my grandmother drew near, because I knew for a fact that if she did not like the shape of “someone’s” nose, then she would not hesitate to tell me. My grandmother is so outspoken.

Anyway, the day arrived, and we went. Not to bore you with details, when “someone” got out to stretch his legs at some point, my grandmother, in her typical manner, said, “This one is not so bad.”  I, of course, exhaled with relief because I have no idea how I would have reacted had she predicted that we would have ugly children.

WHY I AM GIVING YOU THIS STORY

So why am I giving you this story? It recently occurred to me that though we are becoming more and more liberal, we are also getting more and more reserved when it comes to speaking our mind about the things that matter. We are so afraid of offending, that we either suppress our thoughts, or sugar coat them in the name of being sensitive or to avoid being seen as rude.

That is why many of us are likely to keep quiet instead of telling a close friend or relative, point blank, that they are drinking too much, or that the person they are dating will give them grief later.

We are afraid of being seen as nosy or jealous, and so we keep quiet, when speaking out would have been the right thing to do.

We measure our words when we shouldn’t, or even when it is uncalled for, and put up with disrespectful colleagues, overbearing bosses and relatives and friends who just take and take and take from us, yet never give anything in return.

I look around me and see a fast-fading generation of people like my grandmother who readily speaks her mind, not to offend mind you, but to draw your attention to an important detail you might be missing.

Her way of putting things into perspective might be unpalatable, but I would rather a friend, sibling, relative, or colleague who says it as it is, rather than one who sees me heading down the wrong path but keeps quiet in the name of minding his or her business.

[email protected]; Twitter: @cnjerius. The writer is the Daily Nation Features Editor

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FEEDBACK

Your experience with your ‘mean’ butcher  cracked me up. But don’t worry, we meet such people everywhere, from matatus, to churches and even at the workplace.

Suguta

I used to live next to a neighbour who complained about everything. And every time I met her at the corridor, I would sneer for no reason. That’s until my daughter said that by sneering I was behaving just exactly as my neighbour. That made me vow to never let any difficult person spoil my day or mood.

Mary

Thank you Caroline for another inspiring story. Bad attitude is somehow contagious. As you wrote, we must promise ourselves not to be depressed by other people’s attitude.                          

Pius

Your butcher must really have good meat if you returned to his kibanda even after he treated you badly. Thanks for always making my Sunday. I always look forward to reading your articles. 

Cindy

My friend loves complaining. It reached a point that everytime we met, she would lament about this or that. In no time, I was like her always complaining. I had to avoid her. Susan