Be alarmed when your partner keeps saying you’re crazy

Have you ever felt like you’re going crazy? Your partner keeps telling you you’re paranoid, too sensitive, or overemotional? Hear that enough times and you’ll come to believe it. But are you really mad?

No. You’re probably being ‘Gaslighted.’ The word comes from a 1940s Ingrid Bergman movie called Gaslight, in which her husband tries to drive her insane.

It’s a form of emotional abuse where your partner manipulates your sense of reality, and you begin to doubt your own sanity. Gaslighters often have antisocial personality disorder.

They’re charming exploiters and convincing liars. Who never admit they’re wrong.

Gaslighting can occur in friendships, between parents and children, or at work, but it’s commonest in romantic relationships.

Like your partner’s seen with someone. It’s totally denied of course, and you’re told: “you must be paranoid to think I’d cheat on you.” You tell a joke. Everyone laughs, but your partner says it wasn’t actually funny. A quick conversation with a waiter, and you’re accused of flirting. “Was I?” you ask yourself, even though you know you weren’t.

Your partner’s always saying “I never said that” when you’re sure they did. You ask a reasonable question only to be told you’re nagging. “Am I?” you think. “Maybe I am.” You have thoughts like, “Maybe I’m just overreacting,” or “There must be something wrong with me…”

Eventually you do start feeling a little crazy. Hopeless, anxious and depressed. You’re always apologising. Making excuses for your partner’s behaviour to friends and family.

You know something’s terribly wrong, but you can’t quite say what. You start lying to avoid the put downs and arguments.

You have trouble making decisions. You feel as if you can’t do anything right.

Gaslighters are often serial cheaters, drunks or drug addicts. And even emotionally strong people are vulnerable because gaslighting builds very gradually. At first the lies are reasonable: “I’m sorry I’m late, I lost track of time.”

Easily accepted from someone you love and trust.

But the deception steadily grows: “ told you I was going away, you must have forgotten.”

And so, instead of challenging your partner, you start questioning yourself. You feel isolated, because gaslighters often present a good image to the rest of the world. So you know no-one will believe you.

Gaslighting’s often more upsetting than whatever the gaslighter’s trying to conceal. Even infidelity. Betrayed spouses almost always say that it’s not the affair that hurts the most. It’s the endless emotional abuse and lying.

Being gaslighted doesn’t mean that you’re weak-willed, or desperate for love. But you may feel a deep sense of shame.

And confused. So talk to a skilled counsellor, because once you know all about gaslighting, it won’t happen again.

If you ever again feel a partner’s trying to make you think something’s wrong with you, you’ll quickly start to take a deeper look at your relationship. And you’ll trust your gut more. When something feels wrong, it is wrong!