Crucial impact of fathers in the lives of children

Men generally get a bad press these days, especially their work and social habits. And some guys really are bad. Promiscuous, heavy drinkers, lazy or violent. But they’re far outnumbered by the good guys, who genuinely want to do the best they can, at work and for their families.

These good guys’ contribution often goes unrecognised. Like the role model they provide for their children is hugely important because without understanding how successful men live their lives, young people can have real difficulty getting started in life. And in forming successful relationships.

A good father shows his sons how to win in the world of men. How important it is for males to be competitive, decisive and independent. He shows his children how male and female behaviour differs - and yet they can still have close and loving relationships.

He’s firm but affectionate with his family. Because sometimes it’s necessary to lean on children pretty hard, both for their own good and yours. Children seem to need conflict - especially boys. And fathering and mothering are two different parenting styles. Kids need both.

Fathers also have a huge influence on their daughters.

For example, girls who grow up without a father figure tend to do worse in school and to have a lower IQ. And more behavioural issues such as addictions or promiscuity.

GOOD MEN

A daughter’s relationship with her father as a child affects her self confidence as an adult. Her ability to love, trust and be intimate. Her expectations of how she’ll be treated by men. And what she’s worth in men’s eyes. And that experience - or it’s absence - affects all her later relationships.

For example, most women are subconsciously attracted to men who treat them like their father treated them and their mother. Even if that wasn’t too nice. Because we go for what’s familiar, not what’s good. So many women end up choosing similar bad relationships all their lives, subconsciously modelled on the one they had with their father...

Like the daughters of unavailable men often choose unavailable lovers, or become unavailable lovers themselves. They often choose older ‘father-figure’ boyfriends. Others seek more attention from men, or become manipulative clingers. Some become more sexually aggressive. Others keep men at a distance, or become hyper-critical of them.

So what does this mean for a single mum? It means trying not to cut your ex out of your life, unless he’s truly evil. Trying to be good co-parents, and not demonising him to your children, or trying to prevent them accessing him.

If your ex is never around, learn the male parenting style: being tough on your kids when necessary, especially your sons! And find role models - maybe your father, brother, or a close family friend - who can show your children that there really are good men out there. And how they live their lives. Because having a successful male role model will make a huge difference in their lives.