How to spot and correct marriage ending habits

There are a host of problems that destroy marriages. Though, believe it or not, occasional unfaithfulness isn’t one of them. Affairs make couples very unhappy, it’s true. But most survive, if they’re forgiving, and work together to deal with whatever caused the infidelity.

Loads of seemingly innocent little habits can be far more deadly. Like trash talking your partner behind their back. It’s an easy habit to fall into with your friends: “You think your partner’s bad? Wait ’til you hear what mine did…!” It sounds harmless, but actually shows a huge lack of respect for your partner. And means they can’t trust you to keep your married life confidential.

It also implies that you’re focused on your partner’s weaknesses, and comparing your spouse negatively to others. Instead of enjoying the things they’re doing right. Of course, you’ll want to discuss things your partner’s getting wrong. But no-one can ever be everything on your wish list. So just be sure you’re not trying to change who they really are.

Many spouses fail because they think there’s only one way to see the world. Instead, accept and understand your partner’s point of view, even if you don’t always agree with it.

EMOTIONAL HONESTY

Ambushing your partner with difficult issues, or suddenly creating a huge row from nothing is another bad sign. Women are the usual culprits, because they’re much more likely to go with their feelings and to raise issues forcefully. So avoid ambushing each other, or you’ll soon be unable to talk openly and honestly together. Every conversation walking on eggshells, for fear of triggering yet another row.

And inevitably, once an argument gets going, it’s hard to stop it from spiralling out of control. So instead, try agreeing a time to discuss difficult issues. So you both come prepared, and in the right frame of mind. Leaving the rest of the time to talk about the good stuff, without worrying that an argument might start.

Not being emotionally honest is also very dangerous. You may think you’re just trying to keep the peace, but if something’s wrong you need to deal with it. Your partner knows that you’re unhappy anyway, because your body betrays how you’re really feeling. Your voice rises in pitch, your pupils dilate and your smile goes fake. And meanwhile, frustration, distress and distance gradually builds up between you.

So don’t put off tough conversations. Because not facing your problems soon enough means that when you do finally start to tackle an issue, it’s much harder to undo all those negative feelings that have built up.

Worst of all is when couples stop talking. Overwhelmed by all the bickering, you start living lonely parallel lives. Endlessly surfing and messaging just to avoid talking. That’s the final step before a relationship dies. You’ve emotionally checked out. So if you see any of these habits starting in your marriage, deal with them now. Or soon it will all be over…