Bereavement: A counsellor's perspective

Esther Mbau. PHOTO | COURTESY

What you need to know:

  • After mourning period ends, a person who has suffered sudden loss is likely to be left alone.
  • Ms Mbau reasons that this is the stage that if not well handled, the bereaved person may slump into depression.
  • It often happens that the society treats a person who has lost several relatives at once with pity — a pity that may make the person want to avoid some places. Ms Mbau urges precaution.

Ms Esther Mbau, a counsellor and trainer who is the Nairobi CBD campus co-ordinator for the Amani Counselling Centre and Training Institute, says a support system is important for a person who has had a sudden loss of many loved ones.

OKAY TO CRY
Ms Mbau says any person, man or woman, should allow themselves to express their feelings. In the case of a man who has lost his wife and children, for instance, the man should not pretend to be tough.

“This man should allow himself to feel what he’s feeling. Initially, he’ll be in shock and denial, which is a very normal reaction, but then anger and sadness will begin to creep in and at some point you even want to break down.

And this is where we say it’s okay even for men to cry. It’s okay for him to say the way he’s feeling. At some point he will also feel helpless after the anger and the sadness and then he’ll also begin to question God,” Ms Mbau tells Lifestyle.

She adds: “It’s for him to allow himself to go through a process because loss and grief is a process; not an event. And the only way to heal is to go through it.”

RISK OF BEING LEFT ALONE

After the mourning period ends, a person who has suffered sudden loss is likely to be left alone when everybody else moves on with their lives. Ms Mbau reasons that this is the stage that if not well handled, the bereaved person may slump into depression.

“This is the point where I say that the society should become very aware and go back to support this family because at this point, if this person is not handled well, or if they’re not able to handle this stage well, they’re likely to get stuck here or even get into depression,” she says.

And if the bereaved person feels overwhelmed, this is the stage where they should seek counselling. “When you feel you cannot cope with this on your own, that’s where the counsellors come in and we’ll support you. If you feel counsellors are out of your reach, maybe you have a spiritual leader or a close family member you can talk to, this is where you also turn to them for support,” she advises.

PITY VS COMFORT

It often happens that the society treats a person who has lost several relatives at once with pity — a pity that may make the person want to avoid some places. Ms Mbau urges precaution.

“As society, you can either help the person heal or block the healing. Like this thing of telling people ‘don’t cry’ during the mourning season: you will have already blocked their loss and grief process. It’s okay to allow that person to cry and to mourn the way they want to,” she says.

She adds: “It’s okay not to always have an answer or a response to everything they say. It is not okay to tell someone, ‘I understand what you’re going through.’ You don’t understand. It could be the same circumstances but this is me and not you. So, as society, we need to ask that person, ‘How do you want us to support you?’ If we are not clear on the support they want, it’s okay to ask.

“And if someone is trying to readjust their lives back to normal, we need to have empathy and not sympathy. Sympathy is the one that makes you ‘woiye’ and the other person feels even more ‘woiye’ for themselves. But empathy says, ‘I can try to relate with where you are; but I can walk with you. I am not feeling woiye.’”

WHEN TO RESUME WORK

The workplace, Ms Mbau observes, can offer a good exit point for a grieving person. But a person needs to know how to strike the delicate balance.

“The working environment can either propagate or block the healing. One thing is to allow this person, as they come back to work, let them set their own limits. But if you feel they’re overdoing it, you can bring it to their attention,” she says.

“But going back to work is also very healthy because work gives you meaning. And it also occupies you so that you’re able to begin to rebuild your life again. However, let it not be used as a coping mechanism not to go through the process of loss and grief,” adds Ms Mbau.