Getting over a break-up

Getting over a breakup is always hard. Because a relationship becomes part of your identity. So when a relationship ends, your sense of who you are also gets wrecked. And you have to build up a new one. But how do you even stop thinking about your ex for long enough to start doing that?

First of all, quit thinking of yourself as “moving on.” Because that keeps your thoughts focused on “what you lost.” Instead, start thinking about the things you can control.

Because life after a breakup isn’t normal. The gaps are all too obvious, memories keep intruding, even getting yourself a drink at the bar reminds you that something’s missing. 

It’s also much harder to get over an ex if you’re always seeing their face online. So un-follow their social media accounts and stop checking up on them. You also need to accept that you feel bad. Sad, humiliated and stupid. Acknowledge those feelings and they’ll fade away faster.

Read novels, blogs and newspaper articles about heartbreak. Google everything that’s happened to you, so you can read how other people dealt with what you’re going through.

NEW NORMAL

Make a list of all the bad things that you once thought you’d never ever get over, but eventually did. All the people you were certain were “the ones.” Everything that went wrong, but then led on to the best things that ever happened to you. Write down how you got over them. See if there’s a pattern. There almost always is, so follow it again.

And create a new normal. Choose a new coffee shop. Change the furniture around. Try a new hair style. Start a new side project. Hang out with some new people. Make this new phase of your life as different from the last one as you can.

Because that shifts your focus away from what you’ve lost, and on to a new future. So think what you’d like to do with your life. You want to study more? Spend more time with friends? Completely overhaul your career? Make a start, right now.

Do something that’s all your own. Something that will start to build you a new identity, and doesn’t involve your ex. Who will begin to realise that they didn’t see what you were truly capable of. Stop thinking of this as the time you lost everything, and start thinking of it as the moment when you finally started doing what you really wanted to do.

And date. Because there really is someone out there who’s exactly right for you. Naturally, you don’t feel ready. And so it doesn’t have to be anything too serious right away. But you do need to convince yourself that there are other people out there, and that you haven’t lost everything just because one individual let you down.

And before you know it, you’ll realise you’re in the middle of a whole new life. And a far better one.