Having the courage to let go of a relationship

To have a successful relationship you need a whole range of skills. Like self awareness, and being a good listener and negotiator.

But there’s another skill that’s just as important - and which is very rarely mentioned. Being able to leave.

That sounds dreadfully negative. But if leaving’s a problem for you, like you fear being alone, you’ll endlessly get stuck in bad relationships. Instead of finding someone who’s really good for you.

Leaving skills are especially important early on. So don’t be overcome by the romance of a first date. If something suggests your new friend’s flaky in some way, don’t go out with them ever again. Or if they get weird over the next few dates. Like you gradually see signs your partner’s not honest, treats people badly, doesn’t keep promises, or shows signs of insecurity, controlling or loner behaviour. Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it is. Just leave.

LOTS OF EMOTIONS

Because leaving’s always easiest right at the beginning. And will save you endless heartache and wasted time.

What about later on? Or when you’re married? Often people only stay because they haven’t realised how bad their relationship’s become. Putting up with infidelity, financial problems, drunkenness, or a partner who’s just not there for you.

Or abuse. Endless accusations, snooping and tantrums. Forever trying not to do anything that would make your partner angry. Somehow every argument ending up with you as the bad guy. And constantly feeling like there’s no way out of the relationship.

If your relationship’s violent, don’t pretend it isn’t. Hide a bug-out bag somewhere accessible, containing your ID, documents, keys, cash and a few essentials. Plan how to leave and where to go. So if things suddenly begin to feel pear-shaped, you can get away. Pretend you’re going to the bathroom, but instead pick up the bag and the baby, and slip out!

Other relationships fade into nothingness. No abuse, but no joy either. So if your relationship’s becoming lonely or unbearable, what should you do?

Secretly start to think about leaving. Because leaving isn’t an event, it’s a process. And if you don’t start that process, then you’ll never leave. You need a plan. And a vision of a better life.

But even while you’re preparing to go, do all you can to improve things with your partner. Because being prepared to leave will increase your confidence, shifting the balance of power in your favour. So maybe the problems will get resolved.

But more likely they won’t. So see a lawyer, start saving up some cash, making new friends...

And be prepared to feel lots of emotions, because leaving even a bad relationship can be unbelievably hard. You’ll feel lonely. You can’t concentrate, endlessly obsess about your ex, can’t eat, can’t sleep, find yourself crying, feeling sad, worthless and foolish. You’re sure you’ll never find love again.

But you will. Get help if you need it. And next time will definitely be much better…