Learn to manage your anger, it changes things

Do you have trouble controlling your temper? Most of us do, because anger’s very hard to stop once an outburst’s started.

Anger has a bad press, but actually that’s not really fair. Because anger’s main purpose is to help you defend yourself in an attack. Angry people can do truly heroic things, like when protecting their loved ones. It also warns people that your values are being disrespected, helps you avoid suppressing your feelings, and can inspire you to confront injustice.

But in most everyday situations, anger can really get in the way. So you do need to learn how to manage it!

Because calm people get just as angry as everyone else. They just respond differently. Observing their anger rather than being driven by it. That means becoming more aware of your emotions, rather than just being swept along by them.

Because your emotions don’t simply happen to you. They’re always triggered by something specific – either an internal thought or an external event. So knowing what triggers your emotions means that you can start to control them.

Try deliberately noticing your moods for a while. Watch especially for situations that tend to make you angry. 

MANAGE EXPECTATIONS

Like stress. Learn to recognise how it affects you, and how to manage the stress in your life. 

Develop your ability to see things from a different perspective. Like deciding to see your partner’s irritating behaviour as an interesting problem to solve, rather than simply getting upset by it.

Decide to respond consciously, instead of just reacting. Because although your reactions feel automatic, you can actually choose how you think and feel.

So listen to the voice in your head and learn to control it. Like challenging the “you always…” thoughts that pop into your head whenever you’re arguing with your partner, for example.

Anger’s often triggered by the difference between your expectations and what actually happens. So try to bring your expectations more into line with reality.

If you start to feel angry, do acknowledge your feelings. But pause before you act. Consider the situation from every angle – and start to plan. For example, maybe you’re angry because you suspect your partner’s been unfaithful? Instead of instantly confronting them, calmly evaluate the situation. How did you hear about it? What evidence do you really have? And don’t automatically assume the worst...

Accept too, that some people are simply impossible to deal with. And will really test your ability to remain calm. You can’t expect understanding from people like that. So keep your thoughts to yourself, so they can’t get to you. 

Ultimately their bad behaviour’s not directed at you. Because they treat everyone the same. So stop being offended by their rudeness, or trying to get them to see things differently. They won’t change.

Developing really good anger management skills is one of the most important steps we take as we move through life. Not everyone succeeds. But for those who do, it changes everything.