HART: Look inward before casting blame on your partner
When things are going wrong in the relationship, it might be good to stop, step back and undertake some self-reflection. ILLUSTRATION| IGAH
What you need to know:
- Probably all your partners say much the same sorts of things about you. Because there’s usually a pattern to how we behave in relationships.
- So if all your dates talk about things like how you don’t listen, or that you’re never around, then maybe it’s time to start changing your ways.
Whenever relationships get into difficulties, there’s usually two sides to the story. Though mostly we manage to convince ourselves that it’s our partners who’re always to blame! But could it be that you’re the one who’s really causing all the problems?
You might be if you just don’t invest enough time in your relationships. Or won’t make your partners a priority in your life. Or if you’re dishonest, or constantly cheating on them. OK, things aren’t usually quite that clear cut. But if all your relationships eventually go wrong, then maybe you’re the one who’s creating all the difficulties.
Perhaps because you’re selfish, and always putting yourself first. Or forever insisting on having things your way. But good relationships are all about give and take. So if you’re never ever willing to give way, then you’ll be a very difficult person to live with. Your partners will always feel that their needs aren’t being met, and your relationships will always be full of anger and bitterness.
Perhaps the way you think couples should treat one another is causing problems. Like traditional ideas about male and female roles don’t really work well in our modern urban society. So if you’re constantly being disappointed by your partners, then perhaps your expectations just don’t match today’s lifestyles.
Probably all your partners say much the same sorts of things about you. Because there’s usually a pattern to how we behave in relationships. So if all your dates talk about things like how you don’t listen, or that you’re never around, then maybe it’s time to start changing your ways.
Perhaps it’s not so much the way you behave that’s the issue, but the people you choose as your partners. Because our brains are most comfortable with whatever our lives were like when we were small.
But that might have included being brought up by cold and distant parents. Or maybe they were always angry. Or never around. So you reject mature and reliable partners because they feel unfamiliar. Instead you’re forever choosing partners who’re cold, controlling or unavailable. Because subconsciously your brain prefers what you experienced as a child.
Perhaps you pick the wrong partners just to avoid being on your own? Or maybe you lose interest when the excitement of dating starts to fade away? But that always happens. As you swap your carefree single existence for the responsibilities that come with being a couple.
Perhaps you always insist your partner has to be perfect? Or you always date people hoping to change them? Neither are realistic options. Instead, figure out how to turn your differences into strengths. Learn how to handle disagreements. See the funny side of each other’s flaws. And try to be more self aware and flexible.
Because if you think that you never make mistakes in your relationships, then you’re definitely the problem. You need to be able to admit when you’re wrong. Only then will you find true love.
