MEN AND WOMEN: Signs that show you are in a truly happy marriage

Are you really married? Most people get married at some point in their lives, live with a partner and perhaps have children together. But what exactly is marriage? Because marriages vary a lot. Some formal, some traditional, others completely informal. And in lots of ways marriages are very similar to other friendships. So what exactly sets them apart? And what makes some marriages successful, and others not?

One difference is that marriage means three things: commitment, emotional and physical intimacy. So if one of those is missing, then you’re not really married. Like physical intimacy without commitment is what drives “friends with benefits” arrangements. While emotional intimacy and commitment are the basis of many very rewarding lifelong friendships.

Married couples expect the same emotional intimacy and commitment – plus sex! And they merge their finances. But what that means is that if you’re not having sex and managing your money together, then you’re not really married. You’re in some other kind of relationship.

HONESTY

Good marriages also involve complete openness and honesty. In everything. Your money, your past, your plans, how you spend your time, your friends, your phone calls and messages.

Married couples can reveal their deepest feelings to one another without worrying that they’ll be used against them. You can’t be completely open with your spouse? Then you’re not really married. So try it! Because honesty is liberating. No-one ever realises how wonderful it is until they start living with someone where there are no secrets.

Married couples also think of themselves as a team. They each change their self-image into one that totally encompasses their partner. Even as they respect each other’s individuality. Singles can be utterly selfish. But married couples see themselves in terms of their relationship, with shared ambitions, encouragement and support. 

They develop mature and adult relationships with their parents. And learn to play an independent role within their wider families. They give each other complete confidentiality, and put each other ahead of all other relationships, even before their parents and children.

SEX

And they think about sex differently! Consciously talking about each other’s needs. They protect their intimate lives from the demands of work, family and friends. Because good sex – lots of it – is the best cement there is for holding relationships together.

They may have differences, but they’re able to express them. And they develop the skills to cope with anger, distress and conflict without ever losing their commitment to one another. It’s easy to think about moving on every time a relationship seems less than perfect. But lack of commitment is a terrible mistake because it’s only in a deep commitment to one another that true happiness lies.

Married couples nurture and cherish each other. Each becomes the other’s most loyal friend. Always there to offer attention, encouragement and support — no matter how awful the world outside might become. And that’s something very precious indeed. A deep warmth and intimacy that’s impossible any other way.

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