Escape from costly election bet

Until last weekend, no one in Mwisho a Lami had any idea that the US was having a General Election. But come Sunday evening, the entire Mwisho wa Lami and its environs was abuzz with news of the elections, and many of us had already taken sides. It all started when Kizito, a Deputy HM like me who plies his trade in a neighbouring school, arrived at Hitler’s with a newspaper that had a lot of information about the US elections.

“Hillary Clinton is winning this,” said Kizito. “All people in the world are saying that this woman will win.”

“Is Hillary a man or woman?” asked Rasto. Kwame told him that Hillary was a woman.

“How come?” he wondered. “One of my grandsons is called Hillary. How did my son give the boy a name for girls?”

He went on: “Anyway, if she is a woman hakuna mahali anaenda,” he shook his head. “Mimi najua wazungu vizuri, they cannot elect a woman.”

“They will this time round,” Saphire joined in. “Hillary will be the first woman president in America.”

“Hakuna, it is not possible,” said Rasto emphatically. “You are still young and you don’t know these things.”

“Wait, umesema first woman president? Si kulikuwa na mwingine?” asked Alfayo. Alfayo is always good in history, compared to his age mates.

“Who?” asked Kwame, “America has never had a woman president,” said Kwame.

“Ni jina tu imepotea but I know her. I was working in Industrial Area when she was president.” Kwame and Saphire gave him some names but he shook his head each time.

“Ah, the name is just coming and disappearing. Nyumba ya nyasi inaitwaje kwa kizungu?” he asked.

“Thatch house,” said Kizito.

“Yes that one, she was called Thatcher,” he said, looking relieved. “She was a very tough President. Wanaume walikuwa wanamuogopa sana.”

“You are wrong,” said Kwame. “Margaret Thatcher was not president but Prime Minister of UK, not America.”

“Kwani kuna tofauti ya UK na US?” wondered Alfayo.

“What about Britain?” asked Rasto. “Nilifikiria huyo Chaacha alikuwa wa Britain?”

TRUMP WHO?

Kwame tried to explain the difference between US and UK on one hand and America and Britain on the other but it was quite confusing. Rasto asked him if both counties spoke English and once he answered in the affirmative, the wazees settled the matter – it was the same country!

“Is Hillary the wife of Clinton, the former president?” asked Rasto to which Kwame agreed.

“Iko shida kubwa,” he said, “Hata Kenya haiwezekani lakini unajua wazungu are mad, they could still elect her.”

For the next few days, I was following news about the elections on radio and also speaking to Pius. I wasn’t sure who to support until I heard on radio that Obama had been campaigning for Clinton, I immediately started supporting Hillary Clinton. We met on Monday evening at Hitler’s for further debate on this.

 “Obama is supporting Hillary so she will win,” I started. “Don’t play with Obama.”

Alphayo and Rasto were still not convinced.

“Ningekuwa Hillary ningejaribu Women Rep ya America yote” said Rasto. “But President No! hatapita.”

In the end, we decided to bet. Kizito, Kwame and I were rooting for Hillary while Rasto, Alphayo, Saphire and Nyayo were supporting Trump.

None of us had even heard of him, let alone that name. “Huyo ndio mwanaume,” said Rasto when he was shown a photo of Trump.

“Ndio,” added Alphayo. “He looks like a president. A President must be big and fat. Do you remember Kibaki or even Jomo Kenyatta? If he goes anywhere, everyone will agree that he is the president.”

“Why didn’t Clinton’s son stand?” asked Rasto. “Does he have any children ama yeye ni kama Obama?”

“Wacha mchezo Obama has two girls,” said Kizito. “Clinton has one daughter.”

“Iko shida hapo,” said Rasto without expounding. When Kizito told him that Trump had several children from several wives, Rasto and Alfayo were very happy.

“Huyo ndio mwanaume kamili,” said Alphayo. “That is the man I will vote for, mwanaume mwenye akiwika kila mtu anasikia.”

We agreed on the bet. The losing team would buy alcohol for the other, suggested Saphire. They agreed but insisted that since our side had more working class people, we would buy them at Cosmos immediately the results were announced.

“Mtanunua three crates na nyama kilo tano hapo Cosmos,” said Rasto. I wanted to argue but Kizito told me to agree. We all agreed.

We knew that the elections would be on Tuesday and so we all converged at Hitler’s on Tuesday evening. Hitler’s had brought a TV and using some wires, stole electricity from the school which he used to power the TV. It was a good strategy and a lot of people, particularly teachers, came from far and wide to have a drink as they watched TV.

We watched local stations but they once in a while showed the US elections.

“Kwani nani anaongoza?” Rasto kept asking.

“Relax, huko saa hii ni asubuhi,” Kwame said. “They are just starting to vote.”

“I thought in America the moment you vote the results are seen immediately?” asked Saphire.

CONGRATULATIONS TRUMPET

We were at Hitler’s until very late. By 10 pm, there were no results. The local stations were showing CNN but there the wazungus were just talking and talking so we asked Hitler to put for us a Nigerian movie. After consulting with my brother Pius in Nairobi, he told me that the results would be almost ready early the next day.

“If you wake up early at 5am, you will see the results live live.” We all agreed to go home and be at Hitler’s very early – at 5am.

I set the alarm at 5am but you do not need a degree to know that I can’t wake up at 5am. I postponed to 6am then 7am. The results would still be the same even if I went early or late, I said to myself.

When I arrived at Hitler’s at 7am, I only found Rasto, Alphayo and Nyayo. There was also Saphire, but he was still drunk and asleep in Hitler’s sitting room under the table. Hitler had refused to switch on the TV – unless we had people drinking. I bought everyone a glass and Hitler switched on the TV. Trump, or Trumpet as they called him, was in the lead, but the numbers looked strange.

“Kwani Amerika iko na watu wangapi?” they asked me. I did not know but I told them they were about one billion.

“Mbona basi Trump ako na 170 votes na Hilary 109 pekee?” wondered Rasto.

“Kwani Americans don’t vote?” asked Alphayo. “Even our MCA here got over 10,000 votes, how can Trumpet just have 170 votes?”

Kizito joined us shortly and tried to explain the American voting system and something about a college of elections but no one was following especially because he too did not understand it well.

“Hata Kenya we use colleges as a tallying centre but may people still vote,” said Alfayo

What mattered was that Trump was leading, and that alcohol was flowing. “Kura za New York, na London na Washington bado kufika,” said Kizito. “Ngoja tu, huko ndio kwa kina Hillary.”

Rather than ordering in glasses, Kizito bought a full kibuyu allowing people to take from the source – in quantities they wanted. The place became noisier and noisier as they drunk more and as Trump’s lead extended.

By the time, at around 10am, Trump was declared the winner, Rasto and Alphayo had taken so much they could not even follow. Rasto was lying on the bench while Alfayo had staggered home. Nyayo had taken three quick glasses and left immediately. He never made it to his home. He fell at the gate and was carried to the house.

Saphire, had woken up, taken more and gone back to slumber land!

And that is how we avoided taking them for an expensive drink at Cosmos. They could not make it even later that afternoon. In the meantime, congratulations Donald Trump, or as the people of Mwisho wa Lami call you, Trumpet!