Moving from small talk to deep conversations

Most first conversations go best if you gradually move from clichés and facts towards opinions and feelings. So don’t get stuck on the news or the weather. Instead, exchange a little information around your jobs or families. ILLUSTRATION | IGAH

What you need to know:

  • As you gradually exchange personal information, they build a connection. Most first conversations go best if you gradually move from clichés and facts towards opinions and feelings.
  • If you’re hoping the conversation might lead to a relationship, then you have to concentrate on building trust. So if you feel able to be 100 per cent truthful and open from the start, then things are looking good.
  • After that, whenever your partner shares something, share something similar about yourself. Neither getting too far ahead or falling behind. Things like how you spend your time, your interests, attitudes and values.

Meeting new people, making friends and dating is all great fun. But how do you get from those first few words, into a deep and enjoyable conversation? So you can really get to know one another, and decide whether to take things further?

It’s very simple. Just keep asking each other questions that get more and more personal. Because as two people gradually exchange personal information, they build a connection.

A good way is to begin with something that’s obviously intended to start a conversation, such as a vague, impersonal remark. Something like “Gosh it’s hot today, isn’t it?” Unthreatening, inviting a reply, but not too demanding.

Everyone knows what you’re up to, and the reply tells you immediately whether you’re welcome or not!

After that, things will always go well as long as you avoid trivia, complaints and bad jokes. Make good eye-contact and take turns. Listen well, and show that you’re interested by nodding, smiling and leaning forward. Adding a little gentle humour won’t hurt.

INCREASING DISCLOSURE

Most first conversations go best if you gradually move from clichés and facts towards opinions and feelings. So don’t get stuck on the news or the weather. Instead, exchange a little information around your jobs or families, and then start asking questions that draw out your new friend’s opinions and feelings.

If you’re hoping the conversation might lead to a relationship, then you have to concentrate on building trust. So if you feel able to be 100 per cent truthful and open from the start, then things are looking good.

While the reverse is a warning of trouble ahead. That doesn’t mean telling all the moment you meet. But you mustn’t wait too long, or it will feel weird when things finally come out.

So quickly “broad brush” your marital history, children and so on - the details can be filled in later. And don’t even try to hide something important, not even for a few days! Like for example, if you’re a single mother, slip that into the very first conversation. Something like “oh dear, is that the time - I must go and pick up my daughter…”

After that, whenever your partner shares something, share something similar about yourself. Neither getting too far ahead or falling behind. Things like how you spend your time, your interests, attitudes and values.

Tell each other about your parents, siblings and friends - including any skeletons they’re hiding in their cupboards! Own up to anything particularly wild you got up to, however long ago. But lots of detail is unnecessary.

This all works because gradually increasing disclosure draws you closer together. So much so that the psychologist Arthur Aron devised a technique based on increasingly personal questions and eye contact that makes strangers fall in love!

And it really works - if you’re interested email me for the details.

Easy eh? Yes it is, but it still takes practice to get it all together. So get out there, and build up your skills!