Babies’ names getting funkier and weirder

It is that time of the year again when most of you will troop to shags in droves, to visit the relatives you have ignored the whole year.

December always reminds me of the good old days when we (all my cousins) would converge at my grandfather’s homestead and have the time of our lives.

I am also reminded of the confusion that always reigned whenever one of the adults called out, “Joyciiii” (Joyce, if you’re wondering). You see, several of my cousins are called Joyce, after my grandmother.

Whenever someone called a particular Joyce, all the others would answer with a chorus, something that never failed to cause laughter.

To differentiate between these namesakes, we decided to be more specific, and would instead say, “Joyciiii wa mama so-and-so.” It was long and tedious, but you caught the attention of the right Joyce.

GOOGLE TO THE RESCUE

In those fuss-free old days, before life became complicated, parents did not have to spend sleepless nights wondering what to name their children — if you come from my community, you simply named your child after your mother or father, and then moved on to more important things.

This means if your mother is called Truphena Njoki, or Agnes Wanjiru, your child would inherit the same name, the only tragedy being that she would go through life being called Turufena, or Anyesi, or worse, Aginethi, thanks to our fondness of murdering English names.

Nowadays, naming a child is a headache-inducing affair because parents would rather not name their child than allow them to go about life with a name that has no grand meaning.

If you don’t believe me, I know someone who took more than a month to settle on a name to give her newborn daughter. By then, she had harassed friends and relatives to each send her a list of at least five baby names that she could consider.

But she wasn’t satisfied with the numerous suggestions she got, and eventually resorted to Google (don’t you just love Google?) to bail her out.

She ended up settling for Jayden — I have not Googled to find out what this name means, but I’m told that this boys’ name is quite popular with young mothers today. If you called your son Jayden, enlighten me — what does it mean?

FAITHFUL NAMES

Anyway, if you’ve been attentive, you must have realised that many children today are called Imani, Amani, Malaika, Baraka, and Zawadi, while others whose parents perhaps felt that English names sound better, have named their children Praise, Precious, Hope — and there is even one small girl I came across called Halleluiah …

It’s all in the meaning people, so don’t giggle when you are introduced to someone called Sunshine or Sparkle. Or Lovely. Or Happiness.

There are also those parents who are borrowing names from other countries — for some reason, South Africa is a favourite. I’ve heard children called Siphiwe, Palesa, and Thandiwe — I have no idea what these names mean, but there you go.

A while ago, I wrote about the embarrassing names that parents give their children, and got quite a number of emails, many from adults who detest their names, and wish they could banish them from their identity cards, school leaving certificates, and the like.

You have probably come across that photo of an ID doing rounds in the Internet, which belongs to an unfortunate Kenyan man called Clitorious.

Fellow Kenyans, in a few days’ time, we will be ushering in the New Year — whatever resolutions you make, please, promise yourself not to call your child a name of such an embarrassing magnitude.