No, I’m not a snob! It’s just the way I was socialised

It is often said that the best time to shape a human being’s character is during childhood. I believe it.

Growing up, my dad would have had a fit if we as much as set foot in a neighbour’s house, leave alone eat there — up to today, I find it quite difficult to visit people just like that. If I am to visit, there has to be an occasion, and one that I have been directly invited to by the host.

Any visit I make has to be planned, I could never bring myself to turn up unannounced, even at a close relative’s or friend’s home, unless they are mourning the death of a loved one.

Other instances when I find it acceptable to invite myself is when someone I know gets a child, or falls sick — even then, I feel obligated to call ahead, to agree on a suitable day.

I have lived in the same place for about three years now, but I can count the number of times I have visited my two nearest neighbours – it cannot be more than five times.

Because of this, those who don’t know me well assume that I am either a snob, or anti-social. This is far from the truth. Keeping to myself is just something that was ingrained in me from childhood and try, as I might, I am unable to shake it off.

Drawing from my experience and that of others, I have come to the conclusion that the stuff we go through in childhood can shape us irrevocably. Once, while serving food, I generously served my father a drumstick, only for him to ask me to give him another piece instead. I was puzzled, and asked him why, since where I come from, the man of the house gets the honour of eating at least one drumstick when we cook chicken.

He explained that while growing up, whenever his mother made chicken, she never served him the drumstick, yet his other siblings got to eat it several times. Since then, he developed an intense dislike for drumsticks.

Up to today, my dad would rather eat the wing of a chicken, which has the least meat, than the meaty drumstick, even though he could afford to eat one daily, if he wanted to.

Responding to what I wrote last week, a reader, Chris Allan, told me a story almost similar to my father’s. In his case, though he was allowed to visit their neighbours, he was forbidden from eating in his neighbours’ homes.

Apparently, when his father was a young boy, a neighbour who he once found making chapatis chased him away.

That incident affected him so much, he vowed never to eat chapatis again.

His resentment for this must-have food during most of our celebrations was so strong, he even discouraged his son from eating chapatis.

Chris tells me that his inherited dislike for chapati is so passionate, he cannot eat it even if his life depended on it.

Perhaps due to my childhood conditioning, I always find it perplexing that there are those who find it perfectly acceptable to turn up in people’s homes unannounced.

Though our society is gradually losing its traditional sheen with every passing decade, even in our “moderness”, we still value visitors, and when they come calling, we unwrap our special plates, dust the house, and buy meat. The problem with surprise visitors is that they might catch you flat-footed, when you don’t have the money to buy meat or a bottle of soda.

In such a situation, you cannot help feeling flustered, even when your visitors assure you that the sukuma wiki and rice you have served then is perfectly fine.

Also, what would you do if you turned up at someone else’s doorstep only to find that the owners are not home, yet you have your three young children in tow?

Or am I just being fussy?

FEEDBACK

I loved your Sunday article. Our parents had a creative way of instilling discipline into children. I remember my aunt used to tell us that if you are sent and refuse to obey, you will grow a tail like a monkey.

You can imagine how fast I ran when I was requested to do something.

Kiarie

I honestly think if honesty were to be awarded regionally, the coast would carry the day. I work in the customer service industry with a telecommunications company and the number of times clients have reminded me to charge them for the service is innumerable. Be honest.

Gitu

When growing up, my dad insisted it was wrong – and still says it is – to eat from another person’s home unless it was unavoidable to do so. When he was young, he visited a neighbour when they were preparing chapati. He was unceremoniously chased away simply because chapatis meant a lot and an uninvited guest (my dad) would spoil the “party”.

He then vowed never to take chapatis and he managed to convince me never to eat them. Believe you me, I hate chapatis passionately and I cannot take them even if my life depended on them.

Allan

I just finished reading your article. What a good way to promote discipline and honesty. I plan to do the same.

Dennis

I guess we all have an incident that shapes our lives. Our parents were not compromising when it came to honesty.

The unfortunate thing is that we as parents are now so dishonest that I shudder to think what type of parents our kids will be. There is virtually no mentorship or spooky stories to bring them to the straight and narrow. Our highways are the perfect theatre of corruption and disorder.

Bor

I think part of the problem is corruption. As early as when the kids are young, you find parents involuntarily teaching them this. A case in point is when you tell your child to finish the food so that you can give her a sweet. That is bribery.

Kamaa