MEN&WOMEN: No magic in being deeply connected

Couples do often part company and yet there’s nothing magic about staying in love. ILLUSTRATION| IGAH

What you need to know:

  • So make a point of spending at least 45 minutes together each day, with no distractions, no phones, no children. You can spread those minutes out if you like. Or pile them all into one session just before bedtime. 
  • Think especially about listening. Because active listening’s becoming a lost art. So don’t just give your partner half of your attention: face them, put your phone aside and listen intently to whatever they’re saying.
  • Deeply connected couples take every opportunity to show their spouse that they’ll always protect their feelings. They keep their intimate details secret, and avoid friends who lead them astray or give them bad advice.

It is about those hundreds of moments when one of you asks for the other’s attention — and how you respond to it.

Once you find your true love, you probably think you’ll be together for ever. But couples do often part company. And yet there’s nothing magic about staying in love.

Because creating and maintaining a deep and permanent connection is not about flashy date nights or costly gifts, but about how you respond to one another.

It’s about all those hundreds of moments when one of you asks for the other’s attention — and how you respond. Getting that right is one of the most fundamental skills you need in a successful relationship. And yet many couples neglect it. They don’t notice each other’s attempts to communicate, don’t listen, or totally ignore one another. Some hardly even spend time together, and rarely completely focus on one another.

So make a point of spending at least 45 minutes together each day, with no distractions, no phones, no children. You can spread those minutes out if you like. Or pile them all into one session just before bedtime. 

Create a shared language of fond affection, special touches, inside jokes, pet names and lots of playful teasing. Listen deeply to each other. And not just to the words. Hear the emotions behind them. And make being together fun! Because highly successful couples laugh a lot together - even when they’re discussing difficult subjects.

And if you’re being heard and understood, and having fun at the same time, then you feel happy, loved, and supported. And become deeply connected.

Think especially about listening. Because active listening’s becoming a lost art. So don’t just give your partner half of your attention: face them, put your phone aside and listen intently to whatever they’re saying. You can never really know another person, no matter how long you've been together. Your partner will always have memories that you don’t know about. So build the connection between you by exploring them:

What was the happiest, saddest or most frightening moment of your childhood?

Who’s been the most important influence on your life?

What are your personal goals for this year?

How can I help you achieve them?

You also need to share your own secrets, vulnerabilities, goals and dreams with your partner.

You’ll be more deeply connected if you share the same outlook on life. So create a shared story about what’s important to you. Talk together about your ideas, values and goals, and how you know you’re right for each other, rather than nit-picking over your bad habits and personality traits.

Talk about your deeply held beliefs, and try to share them - or at least understand and respect your differences.

Deeply connected couples take every opportunity to show their spouse that they’ll always protect their feelings. They keep their intimate details secret, and avoid friends who lead them astray or give them bad advice.

But above all, they want to be truly close. And demonstrate that every day. By responding whenever their partner needs their attention.