RELATIONSHIPS: Newly single, not celebrating

For those used to spending this time in set traditions with one person, their departure can prompt some sadness and self-pity. Bombarded with all the messages of love and family, is there a way to deal with being alone without losing the reason for the season? PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • Any other day, the end of a relationship is hard enough. But when the holidays come around, the sudden absence of a significant other can become somewhat more heart-wrenchingly stark.
  • For those used to spending this time in set traditions with one person, their departure can prompt some sadness and self-pity. Bombarded with all the messages of love and family, is there a way to deal with being alone without losing the reason for the season?
  • Sometimes you just have to suck it up. This is especially important if you have children to take care of by yourself, especially with the nannies off for the holidays.

The holidays are meant to be filled with cheer – a time that family and friends come together, let loose and have a celebratory time.

For some people however, that’s not always the case. This is especially true if one has recently gone through a divorce or a break-up from a long relationship.

Any other day, the end of a relationship is hard enough. But when the holidays come around, the sudden absence of a significant other can become somewhat more heart-wrenchingly stark.

For those used to spending this time in set traditions with one person, their departure can prompt some sadness and self-pity. Bombarded with all the messages of love and family, is there a way to deal with being alone without losing the reason for the season?

Doreen and her partner separated three years ago. “We had been together for eight years, and when December came, we had a constant system,” she says. “First we went away together, then it was to his family, then to my family, then spent time with family friends. Finally we wound the holidays down at home together. For eight years, that was my blueprint.”

Doreen’s partner moved out of their apartment in October of that year.

EMOTIONALLY OVERWHELMING

“To be honest, it’s not until December that the magnitude of the break-up really sunk in – when there was no planned trip, or when my mother didn’t talk to me for days because I decided my daughter should spend Christmas with her father…. It’s like the small part of me that was beginning to heal became raw all over again. I was so emotionally overwhelmed.”

Hard as it may be, there’s no way around it. You have to go through it. As many women who have been through this testify, the long and short of it lies in redefining the meaning of your holiday.

“I later came to realise that that first Christmas wasn’t hard because I was single, it was hard because I trying to hold on to an old idea I had about what holidays should be,” Doreen observes.

“I almost lost my mind trying to please my and his family – trying to fit into their expectations. I was feeling guilty for what the break-up had done to my daughter and therefore overcompensating for it by really spoiling her – by January I was very broke!

And I was still bummed out by not ‘having a man’ and therefore wallowing in lots of self-pity. To some extent, I let my daughter spend some time with her father’s family so as not to subject her to my negative energy.”

And even though the first time round was hard, Doreen says it helped her make a conscious decision that the next time would be better.

And it was. “My daughter still spends Christmas with her father’s family and to be honest with you, I sort of look forward to spending some alone time – last year’s New Year, a friend and I bungee jumped at Victoria Falls! It’s a brave new world!”

Here are a few tips to help you get through

Accept and move on.

Given, there is nothing wrong with allowing oneself to grieve for not fitting into the picture-perfect holiday portrait. But this stage must end in due time otherwise it turns into denial and puts off the readjusting process. 

Create your own traditions.

Don’t go by society’s expectation, but with what will make you happy. Remember, there is really no one right or wrong way of spending holidays. Be grateful that you are no longer bound to a set of rigid plans. Create a garden in your backyard, read, climb a mountain, drive across the border, spend Christmas at a children’s or elderly people’s home. It takes courage to get out of a comfort zone but it’s thoroughly rewarding.

Don’t be sorry.

Don’t apologise for not being up to being up and about just yet. Take your time. Don’t say yes to family shindigs that you know will exacerbate your misery until you are ready to deal with them. Relatives, with all their love and care, can be very overwhelming even when they mean well. More importantly, don’t feel sorry for yourself – if you could have done better you would have.

Don’t overcompensate.

Parents who have divorced especially feel the need to fill up the void by going overboard with presents and unrealistic promises. State what’s going on truthfully without feeling the need to cover it up with fake cheer, which will only serve as a Band-Aid.

Likewise, don’t overcompensate yourself by trying to fill the void with material things or seeking to escape – instead of the shopping trips, find something wholesome to feed your mind and soul. With the uncertainty of new financial arrangements between you and your partner, it’s wise to watch your spending. 

Stay strong.

Sometimes you just have to suck it up. This is especially important if you have children to take care of by yourself, especially with the nannies off for the holidays. The children, and everyone else you are responsible for, are going to need you to provide an anchor or create a sense of normalcy that’s not a far-off departure to what they are used to. As the adult in the equation, it’s your job to keep it together.

Ask for help.

If it gets too much, pick up the phone and confide in a friend or close relative.

Learn to tell the difference between productive solitude and destructive isolation.

If heading towards the dark side, reach out. There’s got to be someone out there who’ll be more than glad to lend a hand, keep you company, or even invite you to be a part of their  family festive tradition.