Signs that you are just a placeholder for ‘the one’
You’re dating, and were once really hopeful. But somehow the relationship’s not going anywhere anymore. What could be wrong? ILLUSTRATION| IGAH
What you need to know:
- As your partner starts thinking about ending your relationship, you’ll notice that they become even ‘busier’ with work, family and friends.
- They become less patient, more defensive and argumentative. And they start to ghost you. Gradually fading out emotionally and physically.
If these tell tale signs are what your relationship is all about, then don’t resist. Accept the inevitable, and go first…
You’re dating, and were once really hopeful. But somehow the relationship’s not going anywhere anymore. What could be wrong?
Chances are you’re a placeholder. You’re doing all the right things in the relationship, but actually you’re just holding the place for someone else. Filling in. Consciously or unconsciously, your partner knows you’re not “the one,” and will end things whenever they find their true love.
How can you tell whether that’s happening to you?
You’re most likely to become a placeholder if you start dating someone shortly after they ended another relationship. They only began dating you to avoid being lonely.
Probably they’re not putting much energy into your relationship, and only date you when it really suits them. They try to avoid making plans, and somehow don’t care much if an arrangement doesn’t pan out. Don’t trust excuses like “I like being in the moment…” If your relationship’s real, you’ll be a priority, and plans will matter.
Somehow placeholders only get called for sex, and to attend events like parties and weddings. So it’s bad news if you always go to your partner’s happenings but never seem to hang out on Sunday afternoons. Or they don’t ever seem to make time in their schedule for your events.
If you’re both committed, as opposed to in some sort of FWB or hookup arrangement, then your relationship shouldn’t be a secret. So it’s a serious red flag if your partner resists introducing you to family and friends as their significant other.
Probably there are also no discussions about moving the relationship forward. Your partner likely doesn’t make any real effort to link their life to yours, and they’re probably completely self-absorbed. Like when you walk into the restaurant where you’re meeting and they just glance up at you and go on texting.
Or they rarely ask you about your day, never really listen to you, or remember what you told them. Lack of interest in your life and opinions is a serious warning that you’re a placeholder.
As your partner starts thinking about ending your relationship, you’ll notice that they become even ‘busier’ with work, family and friends.
They become less patient, more defensive and argumentative. And they start to ghost you. Gradually fading out emotionally and physically.
So even when they’re sitting next to you, it’s like they’re a million miles away. Their phone calls get less frequent, shorter and less meaningful. Suggestions of doing things together become more like maybes than anything to get excited about. Your partner starts saying stuff like “Relationships shouldn’t be this much work,” or “Perhaps we’re just too different.” They start pulling back, answering your texts less frequently, and becoming less and less available.
Saturday night comes and goes with no contact, and when you do date, it’s always a group thing. Your partner’s started limiting the time you two spend together alone, and begun phasing you out. Don’t resist. Accept the inevitable, and go first…
