Teenage is not for acting out, but a chance to grow up

Someone needs to invent a vaccine for that perilous seven-year period known as teenage. That’s what I thought when I came across the news item about 550 students who were arrested during a swoop in an Eldoret club, very appropriately called Sodom and Gomorrah. The children, the youngest of whom was 12, were found with alcohol, bhang, miraa and condoms.

A few months earlier, another group of teens had been similarly arrested, this time in a matatu after villagers raised the alarm over suspicious activity by students. If underage drinking, drug abuse and sex are not enough to scare you, the rising cases of arson in schools that have caused scores of deaths this year should make you sit up. 

So yes, teenage is perilous, and among other things, the goal of every parent should be to get their children to 21 alive and with as few scars as possible.

As a parent of three teens, I occasionally do feel as though I am living with aliens, albeit aliens that I love. Can someone please tell me what happened to the cute chubby faced infants I gave birth to? When did they become these sullen, always hungry, restless, belligerent young adults?

And what is a parent supposed to do when their child hits that magical age of no longer a child and not quite an adult? Should you chalk it to raging hormones and hope they grow out of it?

A friend holds the view that teenage angst is a relatively new and western ideology. He says our grandparents did not go through that in-between period called teenage because no-one had the time nor indulgence for it.

PARENTING INFORMATION

Back then, our grandfathers were not born men, they became men. They “earned” their manhood during challenging rites of passage, and only then did they get a place in society with very strict views about their roles and responsibilities.

The first of which was probably to build their own abode and thereafter find a wife. Young girls had no time to cavort around smoking bhang because they were very probably already married off with children.

Thankfully, we have put an end to early child marriages, and replaced many of these harmful cultural practices with the right to education that allows a young person to self determine their destiny.

However, our forefathers may have done one or two things right to enable their young people to make the transition to adulthood better. So often we get caught up in the drama of the teen years and lose sight of the fact that this is really a time for added responsibility, greater challenge and in a sense, an opportunity for children to “practice” what it means to be a responsible adult.

As their bodies are mature, it is easy to imagine that our children are ok, that they no-longer need us as much, in fact, their behaviour seems to suggest that. Yet perhaps, this is the time it is most important for a parent to be present, engaged and active.

Sadly, most parents are also going through their own challenges in their career, life and health. They are dealing with the demands of aging parents as well as possible menopause or mid-life crises. It used to take a village to raise a child, but with the disintegration of those social support structures, families are on their own.

Fortunately, there is a host of parenting information in the form of books, classes as well as online sites that can help today’s African parent make better decisions when it comes to raising their teen. However, parents have to sieve that information in it’s relevance to their context, their teens personality and their values.

Yet, there’s another context we can add to our parenting, and that is a cultural one. We can create rites of passages that involve some element of challenge for our teens.  Secondly, we need to train them to take on more, not less responsibility in the home and society. Sadly, in many homes, house-helps are misused, and expected to clean after and babysit teenage children.

Our teens should be able to cook, clean after themselves and do several handy chores around the home. They should be encouraged to take on responsibility in school and the community. Finally, as they come out into society, as they find their place, the expectations on them should be clearly spelt out.