Why parents must shoulder the blame

Our schools are going up in flames, torched by the children we sent there to learn. They are attending X-rated parties where they drink, lose their virginity and take drugs. They are so clever that they manage to organise matatu orgies after leaving school as well as commandeer night clubs. If what we read in the press is to be believed, they are joining gangs, taking part in rape, carjackings and other armed robberies.

They are at great risk, preyed upon by kidnappers and child molesters. They are accessing pornography on their phones, the DVD stores and watching it at home. Every year after completing form four, a few of them will die on our roads, victims of drunk driving as they club hop in ‘celebration’.

As we have blamed everyone else for the dysfunction in our children’s lives, we have conveniently absolved the parents. We have blamed the school when our children’s grades drop and their behaviour worsens. We have blamed the church for not being “entertaining” enough to hold their attention or teach them morals. We have blamed the government for taking caning out of schools, making changes to the curriculum and school term.

We castigate our hired help if junior does not finish his homework or his meal. We blame the media for the offensive language and indecent programming that is corrupting their young minds even as we hand them smart phones and remote controls. We blame food producers for our children’s increasing obesity and lifestyle diseases even as we pay handsomely for family outings at popular fast food joints.

As for our neighbours, don’t even get us started. Our children were fine until their children begun to teach them bad manners. It is always everyone else’s fault. Of course it is.

ADULT SUPERVISION

Sadly, we have been indicted and the verdict, guilty as charged, is out. For we are the ‘hidden hand’ that acted with neglect, delegated with zeal and was paralysed by inaction when our children’s lives were in danger. We gave birth to these children and then expected the village that included the church, school and government to raise them. Sadly, even with the best of intentions, the village was always going to be a poor surrogate.

Where did the rain begin to beat us? There are probably countless reasons but let us dwell on three. First, the breakdown of the traditional African family unit and the support structures that aided parents in discipline, teaching, caring and providing for their offspring. It did take a village to raise a child but the sad reality is that the village is no more.

Grand-parents spend little time with grand-children, and aunts and uncles are caught up in their own lives. As for neighbours, if they are unable to join a nyumba kumi initiative, or even give each other the courtesy of a daily greeting, they are certainly less likely to look out for the well-being of your child.

Secondly, we tend to adopt western parenting styles and values wholesale, largely through ingesting of family sitcoms. In these sitcoms, we see children outwit their parents, ‘talk back’ to parents and other authority figures, or slam doors.

We see children sulking when they don’t get their way and parents conflicted about playing their role or being their child’s friend. Children are given a lot of power and almost treated as ‘peers’ of grown-ups.

Consider this: If you have ever adjusted a family menu because Junior ‘“does not like githeri so we don’t cook it anymore,” then you have played into this scenario. You may pay the rent, school fees, buy the clothes and food but you have a little dictator in your home who determines what to eat, when to sleep and what the family watches on TV.

It might be fine to allow junior to make some choices but sadly, he is still a child and lacks the adult intelligence that will propel him toward healthy choices.

Finally, parents are not present, and most of the time for ‘good’ reasons like providing for the family. We work long hours, do side hustles for an extra shilling or sign up for evening class. And so we bundle our children off to school and after-school activities, hoping to keep them out of mischief. We have failed, and failed our children. We must suffer the pain of the discipline required to change, or live with the pain of regret.