How did I miss commendation?

I know perhaps you did not give me a Head of State Commendation since you know I deserve a much bigger award. ILLUSTRATION | J. NYAGAH

What you need to know:

  • I know you do not read newspapers, but I would like to imagine that even as you use them to funga nyama, you may have come across my writings in this paper.
  • I am one of the few, very well educated individuals in Mwisho wa Lami and beyond.
  • There are teachers in this country, then there is me. I religiously apply the lessons I picked at Kilimambogo.
  • Had your people talked to you about me, they would have told you that for now about 8 years, my award winning Kaunda suits, that have transitioned from luminous green to sky blue, are a marvel to watch.
  • I am a true family man, unlike some of the people you recently awarded who are not even married.

As the country celebrated its 54th independence anniversary, I was also celebrating a great milestone: the first National Holiday in my own home.

A home I moved to independently without hanging on the coat-tails of my parents to show me how to do it. When the Englishmen came up with the word “self-made man”, it was me they had in mind!

As the head of the home and with no one else to question my intentions, thoughts and actions, I woke up late that day, lazed around admiring my expansive compound and state-of-the-art house, and after being served a sumptuous breakfast, went and picked Nyayo.

We went to my father’s home where we did another act to show my independence. We pulled down my former house; and carried away the iron sheets, wooden doors and anything valuable, leaving the old man with a mound of soil to deal with as the head of that home.

LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT

As for my mum, because she has not been so tough on me, I left her with some firewood from the site. Some of the iron sheets and firewood were taken to my new home, but a good chunk made their way to Hitler’s. Given this festive season, he is quite in need of firewood and this fetched me some good cash.

He never gave me the money though – we agreed that I redeem it in kind. Only a fool would ask how. Needless to say, I was at Hitler’s late that afternoon, enjoying the fruits of my independence! “Dre is a hero,” said Saphire. “He actually deserves a Head of State Commendation.”

“I think maybe the president does not know about you and your achievements,” said Kuya. “I am sure he may consider you for a bigger award if you wrote to him detailing your achievements,” suggested Saphire. I did not waste any time. That evening, I wrote to the president. Excerpts below:

Dear Mr President,

Congratulations on your recent landslide win in the General Election. A win of 98 per cent including victories of over 95 per cent in your opponents’ strongholds is unheard of anywhere in the world. Kudos!

But I write to you for a different reason. Your people may not have told you, and I suspect they won’t tell you, but I am one of the greatest sons of this country, with successes and achievements spanning all echelons and spheres of society and, therefore, deserving recognition from you in the form of the highest award possible. I would need a book to detail half my achievements, but below please see a summary.

Education: I am one of the few, very well educated individuals in Mwisho wa Lami and beyond. After topping Mwisho wa Lami Primary with 312 (out of 700) marks in 1994, and again topping the Mwisho wa Lamia secondary class with a very strong C- in 1998, I went on to Kilimambogo TTC where records still show that I am the most academically talented students to ever grace that college.

My next stop was Africa’s shrine of pedagogy – Kenyatta University, where were it not for the small matter of Statistics, I would have graduated long ago. My lecture-friend told me that my performance in other units was so good that when I graduate, it will be something much better than First Class that they will just call it Pass!

Pedagogy: There are teachers in this country, then there is me. I religiously apply the lessons I picked at Kilimambogo, and the tenets I continue to pick from Kenyatta University. My teaching methodology is Spartan, while my approach to extra-curricular activities is Athenian. No teacher has been able to successfully deploy the two approaches.

It is no wonder that I rose through the teaching ranks quite fast, and were it not for the jealous enemies of development in the ministry, (including my academic and intellectual junior Bensouda who is my Headmistress), I could even be the county director of education!

Dressing: Had your people talked to you about me, they would have told you that for now about 8 years, my award winning Kaunda suits, that have transitioned from luminous green to sky blue, are a marvel to watch — admired by many and respected by all. They are unique, of the highest quality polyester materials, and are made to fit me.

As for my Reebok and Sharp shooter shoes, very many have tried to replicate them but no one has ever gotten it right. Long before Larry Madowo and other TV people knew about coloured socks I was donning my yellow, blue, green and red socks every day!

Family Man: I am a true family man, unlike some of the people you recently awarded who are not even married. You need to visit my home before schools re-open to see for yourself. First of all, despite the fact that he is not my son – ignore the fact that his head resembles mine – I, out of mercy and humanity, took up Branton and I am raising him as my own son – with all the perks and benefits.

Every vacation, I host many children of my sisters and Fiolina’s siblings. And soon, very soon, my family will grow. Travel: Out of jealousy, the people close to you will not tell you that in Mwisho wa Lami village and beyond, I am one of the most travelled people. I have been to many towns and places.

I know Kakamega town like the back of my hand; Kilimambogo and Mosoriot are towns I can take you round with my eyes closed. I have been to Eldoret and passed through Kisumu and Nakuru. As for Nairobi, other than my brother Pius, I am the only other person in Mwisho wa Lami and its enviros who if you left at Ambassador, will not get lost. I haven’t been to Mombasa, but that is happening soon.

New Home: I suspect your people will never tell you this, for most of them still live in their parents’ homes. I, today, own one of the most expansive homes, on which stands a palatial, well-built state of the art bungalow. It is the talk of the village, and will remain the talk of the county for a long time. When you are campaigning in 2022, I will have fixed the few remaining things and will not mind hosting you for lunch.

Beautiful Wife: Your Deputy must have told you where the Bible said that he who finds a wife finds a good thing. I dare add that he who found Fiolina found a better thing! Fiolina is beautiful, gorgeous, tall, humble, educated, bright, sharp and above all, expectant. Many are the men who wanted her, and still admire her; but mine is the heart that won her over, and will forever melt hers!

Chronicles: I know you do not read newspapers, but I would like to imagine that even as you use them to funga nyama, you may have come across my writings in this paper. Unlike other people who are mean with their knowledge and wisdom, I am generous and have, for now eight years running, shared my troubles, successes, stories, hopes and the happenings in the great Mwisho wa Lami with the rest of the country.

Mr President, you will agree that I have achieved much more than what many of the pretenders you awarded last week have done, or will ever do. If the only qualification was having a twitter page or a Bookface handle, I have both. You can like my page @mwalimuandrew of follow me on Mwalimu Andrew on Bookface. If it was about eating in public, I have been drinking in the open at Hitler’s for years.

But I know perhaps you did not give me a Head of State Commendation since you know I deserve a much bigger award. Something like Elder of the Burning Spear or Elder of the Golden Heart. I look forward to being invited to State House to receive my belated, well-deserved Honour during the next National Holiday.

Your true servant,
Mwalimu Andrew, Esquire.
GHC, CRE, TSC, SWA

[email protected]/mwisho-walami