We got married in our early 20s

Isn’t marriage a commitment you consider once you have all your other ducks in a row? Education, career and financial stability? Not necessarily, say these five interviewees. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • The first few days of marriage were joyous, partly because we had some money, and partly because we could finally live together as lovers. Barely a month into our marriage, cracks began to appear.
  • Getting married at 22 was good for me – I am more responsible and mature. Being married has also not stopped me from pursuing my dream of becoming an IT expert.
  • Most of my friends thought I was crazy though, marrying at an age where I could have as many girlfriends as I wanted and party all night if I wanted to.
  • The biggest challenge I faced was trying to fit in the cliques of older married women, bearing in mind that I was young and fresh from college. Some felt that I was too inexperienced to join in their conversations.
  • Friends and relatives would come to visit us and some would tell us, outright, that our marriage was destined for doom.

Your early twenties herald great promise, especially if you make ‘good’ decisions. Most of you are probably in school in pursuit of your dream careers, while some of you are in their first jobs.

As for the state of your relationships, chances are that many are still testing the waters, so marriage is the last thing on your mind. If anything, isn’t marriage a commitment you consider once you have all your other ducks in a row? Education, career and financial stability?

Not necessarily, say these five interviewees.

All of them chose to get married in their early 20s, and have only good things to say about this institution.

Lucy Wanjiku
Got married at 23 years
Age now: 26

Lucy Wanjiku 26, Team leader Positive Young women voices. PHOTO| DENNIS ONSONGO.

“Seven years ago, I was 19, a Kenya Certificate of Secondary Education (KCSE) candidate. I was also a naïve girl in love with a man only a year older than me, though my dream was to become a nun. That was thwarted when I realised that I was four months pregnant in December 1, 2010. Having been brought up in Christian values, I knew that my parents would insist that I get married to my boyfriend, who agreed to ask my parents for permission to marry me.

At the beginning of 2011, I was five months pregnant, I moved in with my boyfriend. This was one of the many missteps I would make.

The first few days of marriage were joyous, partly because we had some money, and partly because we could finally live together as lovers. Barely a month into our marriage, cracks began to appear. We no longer had money, and I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) an extreme form of morning sickness that causes severe vomiting and nausea in pregnancy.

This made it difficult for me to run errands and do house chores without support from him. Many were the days that I had to walk to my parents’ home, a couple of kilometers away, just to have a meal.

After our daughter was born in June 2011, we parted ways because he couldn’t manage to meet our basic needs, such as food. I went back home and enrolled for a training course with Hope Worldwide Kenya, an organisation that targets young people in schools.

Through the organisation, I could manage to take care of my daughter and I. Unfortunately, in June 2012, my daughter, then a year and seven months, fell ill and died. It is also during this period that I discovered I was HIV-positive. My ex was the only person I had been intimate with. I called him and suggested that he get tested. He too tested positive.

The blame game kept us in communication, and eventually, the shock and dejection brought us back together. I moved back with him. Another misstep. I thought that since I was earning some money, we would be happy, but we were not.

After six months of misery, I moved back home.

Two years later, I was 23, I fell in love with a 21-year-old man and we got married the same year. We have been married for three years, have one child, and I can confidently say that we’re happy.

One of the greatest lessons that I have learnt is that a happy marriage is not determined by the couple’s age, rather, the character of the person you are getting married to. Get married to someone who supports your vision and who pushes you to achieve more.

Last year, when I was invited by the National Empowerment Network for People living with HIV in Kenya (NEPHAK) to give a presentation in Geneva, Switzerland, I almost gave up on the opportunity because our baby was just seven months old. However, my husband knew how much the opportunity meant to me and encouraged me to go for it, assuring me that he would take good care of our baby. He did.

Vancey Innocent
Got married at 22 years
Age now: 25

Vancey Innocent. PHOTO| CHRIS OMOLLO

I met my husband in church, in 2009. We had dated for about three years when we decided to get married. I was 22 then, he was 25. Ours was a long distance relationship, with him based in the US where he is studying to become a military doctor, and I in Kenya.

One of the biggest challenges we faced when dating was that my mother would not allow me to visit or go for holidays with him, pointing out that only married couples should do that. Issues to do with insecurity and the need to be with each other whenever we wanted to compelled us to get married in 2015 – we wed at the same church we met.

I was in my first year at university then, and it wasn’t an easy decision to make because our parents wanted us to wait at least until I graduated.

Thankfully, we managed to convince them that we were ready for marriage, and they gave us their blessings.

My husband is still based in the US, but comes home at least thrice a year. It is quite a challenge to balance school and time together when he is around. Once, he came home when I was preparing for end of semester exams. I almost failed because I spent so much time with him, I barely had time to revise.

Whenever people find out that I am married, most ask why. They don’t understand why a young woman would rather commit herself to a long distance marriage than enjoy the freedom that comes with being 20-something.

Getting married at 22 was good for me – I am more responsible and mature. Being married has also not stopped me from pursuing my dream of becoming an IT expert - I am in my last semester of study, and plan to join my husband once I complete school.

The most important lesson marriage has taught me is that time is of essence, and that a relationship cannot flourish when there is communication breakdown.

I advise my peers to get married to someone whom they can count on and only do so when they are ready, however, if you feel that marriage will be an obstacle to your career or education aspirations, hold on.

Muchiri Kimani
Married at 21 years
Age now: 28 years

Kimani Muciri Onesmus, 28. PHOTO| DENNIS ONSONGO.

By the time I turned 21, I had found a woman that I wanted to get married to, and therefore felt that there was no need to wait since I was sure about my feelings for her. I also felt that I needed to be responsible and accountable to someone, something that most young people avoid.

My parents were very surprised when I told them I wanted to marry, but encouraged me after they were convinced that I was ready for it. I had saved some money while working abroad the previous year, proof that I was thinking about our future.

Most of my friends thought I was crazy though, marrying at an age where I could have as many girlfriends as I wanted and party all night if I wanted to.

Prior to getting married, my plan was to work for at least three years, but I changed my mind and decided to build my own brand, Moshcode Developers Studio, a company that offers services such as web hosting solutions and graphic design.

I do not regret making this decision; having something to call my own gives me contentment. Some of the challenges that we faced as a young couple was communication breakdown and not paying attention to each others’ feelings.

We also argued over small things, such as what to have for dinner because each of us would want to have our favourite meal. I also realised that there are some decisions, such as how I dress, that I cannot make without having to consult with my wife from time to time.

Marrying young has taught me valuable lessons, such as the need to work hard, be persistent, patient and committed. We have two children – our firstborn is six, while the second is two years, and if you ask them, they are very happy to have young and fit parents.

My observation is that most young men hate being committed and accountable to someone and therefore want to marry after they have had enough fun.

As for the young women, they want to get married to someone who is doing well financially because they don’t want to be part of the struggle.

If I were to take a step back in time, I would still marry when I did because taking such a huge step has made me a more courageous person willing to make bold decisions in my business, since I want to give my family the best.

Risper Mokua
Got married at 22 years
Age now: 26 years

Risper Mokua is 26, she got married at 22. PHOTO| COURTESY

In September 2012, I was clearing with Presbyterian Teacher’s college in Rubate, Meru County, having completed a P1 teacher certificate course. By January 2013, I was preparing for my dowry negotiations that were to be held the following month.

When joining college, marriage was not in the picture. I planned to complete the certificate course and enroll for a diploma course immediately, however, when I met my husband, I was certain that I didn’t want to wait that long to settle down with him. When I told my parents that I wanted to get married, they were aghast, and insisted that I focus on my studies.

They only realised that I was serious when I took him home. With some convincing, my mum gave in, but it took my dad time to give me his blessings. A few months after marriage, I got pregnant, and I had to shelve the plan of going back to school because I had many pregnancy-related complications. I however, resumed my studies after giving birth.

The biggest challenge I faced was trying to fit in the cliques of older married women, bearing in mind that I was young and fresh from college. Some felt that I was too inexperienced to join in their conversations.

Playing the role of a wife at such a young age was also not easy. On days that I didn’t feel like eating, I hated cooking for my husband; I also could not stand ironing. I am now a mother of three – my first born is five years, while my twins are five months old. I comfortably balance the needs of my family, part time classes and my teaching job. There are many young people who think that marriage is an enemy of progress; in my case, it has not stopped me from becoming the person I wanted to be.

I feel that I am in a better position to provide and take care of my kids than if I had waited longer to have them. My husband also encourages me to pursue my dreams and be the best I can be.

My advice to those in their early twenties is that there is no right time to get married except the time you are ready for it. Don’t use your career or financial instability as an excuse to not get married at a certain time because no matter how long you wait, you’ll eventually have to make some sacrifices.

Nelson Munene
Married at: 23 years
Age now: 26

Nelson Munene an interior designer. PHOTO| KANYIRI WAHITO

“Way before I met my wife, I aspired to have children at a young age. I knew that this aspiration would come to pass when I met my wife in 2012. I was at Maseno University then, studying interior design and IT. I was 23, she 25 when we got married.

Interestingly, our parents didn’t object to our plans. My friends were however shocked; they told me that I was wasting my life by getting married then, and kept recounting the benefits single people enjoy, the biggest being freedom to do whatever one wants. I even lost a handful of friends along the way because they believed that I was making the wrong choice, and they didn’t want to be part of it.

My wife and I moved in together into a small rented room - we had no furniture; ours was what you’d call a humble beginning. I was offering website developing and optimisation services, and clients were hard to come by.

My wife’s hustle, designing clothes, was also not doing well. We were doing so badly, in the first few months of our marriage, I relied on my dad for financial support.

Friends and relatives would come to visit us and some would tell us, outright, that our marriage was destined for doom.

Without money, they said, we would not last long. Others advised us to separate until we got a stable source of income. Had it not been for our parents, who urged us to fight for our marriage and find ways to support each other, I would probably be telling a different story.

My father would especially remind us that we should find happiness in what we had, not what we lacked. Armed with interior design skills, photography and web designer skills, I started scouting for clients in a quest to earn a living and as time went by, things began to look up.

We have since moved out of the tiny room we called home and are no longer dependent on our parents. I am a certified interior designer and the project manager of Salani Designs, a company I co-founded with my wife.

We have two children, six and two years. It is not easy to thrive where the naysayers outdo the encouragers, so I am pleased with how far we have come.

The most important lesson that my marriage has taught me is that couples need to have an open communication channel where they can freely share their feelings. If you feel that you have met the right person, age shouldn’t be a barrier to marriage.

I feel that the society has commodified marriage, such that we are made to believe that you can only marry when you are financially stable or when you have excelled in your career.

Marriage shouldn’t make you give up on your dreams, on the contrary, it should make you become a better version of yourself.