MANTALK: What I know for sure about women

A man I met at a recent function asked me, “You write about women, what have you learnt about them?”

I replied, “Nothing.”

I didn’t even have to give it a moment’s thought. It seemed like the most rational answer, the one closest to the truth. But later, I thought about it as I waited at a traffic light, while a hawker pushed a foreign magazine with a woman on its cover against my window. What have I learnt about women? Such a multi-layered question! But I have some answers.

First, I only realised recently that, by some stroke of coincidence, all my direct editors are women. I write regularly for seven publications and all of them are edited by women: Sally, Wayua, Juddy (yes, with a double D), Wendy, Rhoda, Vicky and Ciku.

My less frequent writing gigs also happen to be managed by women: Sanda, Ida, Karen, Wanjiku, Liz and Gloria.

Amazing, innit? I don’t know who said it’s a man’s world, but my world is run by women – both at work and at home. So in short, women feed me. They keep me afloat. They dictate my moods. They dictate my thoughts. I’m in prison, guys. Don’t leave me here on the edge of a cliff, (insert weak whisper) save me!

So what have I learnt? I thought about it much longer, and more clearly (which means I didn’t have a drink in my hand) and I realised that you can learn so much from a woman at 12pm, just before lunch, but at 4pm just before you grab a cup of tea, she will do or say something so conflicting, that it will undo everything she said or did at 12pm and maybe even months before.

Then you will be back to ground zero, with nothing but a theory in your fist.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNT

I have learnt that women will give you the impression that they are cool with something you said, but one day you will realise that they weren’t cool, that they took offence. I can pick a mood right away when I pick a call from a woman I know. I can tell when the woman is pissed off. There is a way your phone gets very cold against your ear... Ha ha. Okay, no.

But you can pick it if you listen closely. You can tell the one who wants to talk about something that won’t go anywhere, and all you have to do is hold the phone and control your breathing.

Once you muster the art of not interrupting a woman, you will have found the true meaning of inner peace, because half the time they don’t want your opinion, the other half they just want to hear their own opinion.

You can read the body language of women if you just stay still and pretend you are dead. This skill, I have learnt, can also save you a lot of unnecessary trouble and heartache.

So listen to what they aren’t saying more. There is always a particular word or phrase they like to use that spells danger, or how they sigh between sentences, or a slight sound they make with their lips, or how they tilt their heads, or what they do with their hands: the small behavioural nuances that signal the dark clouds before a storm.

Read those signs. It’s nature’s way of protecting men from a woman’s doomsday.

For example, when one of my editors above calls me and starts the conversation by saying, “Bikoo” (saying my name with two “Os” instead of one), I know she isn’t entirely pleased, so all I have to do is quickly determine where the wind is blowing and align myself accordingly. Works like a charm.

Those conversations will then only last for 25 minutes instead of the customary two days and two nights. There are some who don’t speak out their dissatisfaction, they keep it bottled inside until one day it comes out in other weird forms. Those are the hardest to deal with.

I have learnt that women are also more accommodating when you say, “Look, my mistake, I’m sorry, I will fix it.” That’s it, they hear this and they step back. Guaranteed. But you have to say it while you look at her intensely, not at your phone. I discovered this very late. They might bring it up next time (because they don’t ever forget, they just cut you some slack).

As I have learnt, a woman will save you from a pit. Last year I made a stupid and monumental professional error. For a fortnight I was in a hole. I asked one of these women to help me and she did. She pulled me out, saved my skin.

Later, I sent her a thank-you note in a purple box. I wonder how it would have gone if it was a man; I wonder if I would have swallowed my pride and asked him to save me. Generally, all my editors are darlings. (Note: you also have to learn when to kiss a woman’s ass.)

I have also learnt that when you pull a chair, hold open a door, or pour a drink for a woman she will place you in a different tier, which might just work for you.

I have learnt that you never really know which mood a woman will wake up in and if there is a genius reading this, could he please invent something that we can just point towards a woman (or at a ringing phone) to show us what mood she is in?

MAKE HER LAUGH

I have also learnt that your life tends to be much smoother when you make a woman laugh. Or remember something innocuous about her life. So keep a book, write that stuff down for when you walk into a pitch full of women and you say to the head honcho, “Hey, Linda, how is Javah doing now? Last I heard she was green around the gills!” Watch her light up like a warlord’s chandelier.

When your colleague comments later, “I didn’t know Linda had a toi!” Answer him with a tired grin, “Javah is her cat.” A woman and her pet? Always remember their names. Save them on your phone if you have to, that name is redeemable at a virtual till. 

All in all, I don’t think you can learn something about women and take it to the bank. They are like our meteorological department. Very fickle. But the rule of thumb? Just stay still. Women are good with moving targets.