Does it still take a village to raise a child?

Traditionally, the parenting role was shared amongst the extended family. People born in previous generations often talk about spending their entire childhoods in the care of their grandparents, with a bevy of aunties and uncles. So it was in the olden days, where neighbours disciplined their neighbours’ children without blinking. Those days are long gone. GRAPHIC | NATION

What you need to know:

  • A growing number of modern parents who believe that where her children are concerned, nobody has the right to step into her parenting shoes.
  • Traditionally, the parenting role was shared amongst the extended family. People born in previous generations often talk about spending their entire childhoods in the care of their grandparents, with a bevy of aunties and uncles they referred to as baba or mama mkubwa/mdogo, and cousins who were literally blood brothers and sisters.
  • So it was in the olden days, where neighbours disciplined their neighbours’ children without blinking. Those days are long gone.

Lydia Karimi, 42, is a single mother of two teenage girls. She is not happy about her sister taking on some parenting responsibility over her children – without her consent. “I woke up one Saturday morning to find that (she had taken my daughter to the dentist – without asking or telling me),” she sighs. “‘Wait a minute!’ I yelled. ‘Who told you to take her to the dentist?’ All I got from my sister was a blank stare and an expression suggesting that I was overreacting.”

Lydia is one of a growing number of modern parents who believe that where her children are concerned, nobody has the right to step into her parenting shoes. Lydia says that even though it might seem like a sweet gesture for an aunt to take her niece to the dentist, everything about it was wrong.

“People who don’t have the guts to tell you that they don’t agree with the way you raise your children feel obliged to step in and do things their way, without your consent. When you react, they make you seem like the bad guy. It is outright manipulation,” says Lydia, who is confident that she is raising her children well.

Traditionally, the parenting role was shared amongst the extended family. People born in previous generations often talk about spending their entire childhoods in the care of their grandparents, with a bevy of aunties and uncles they referred to as baba or mama mkubwa/mdogo, and cousins who were literally blood brothers and sisters. But with the evolution of family dynamics, does it is still take the village to raise the child today?

“Sure, there is a time when the ‘village’ would come in handy, but with the way the world is today, the village feels corrupted,” says Lydia. “We warn our children not to talk to strangers. Our next-door neighbours are perfect strangers. I feel more inclined to protect my children from the village than to allow the village to parent them.”

CHILDREN'S RIGHTS

Damaris Njeri, a 45-year-old high school teacher, grew up in a real village on the slopes of Mt Kenya. She and her friends would take the long route home from school so that they could stop by the river for a swim. “One day the father of one of my friends passed by and saw us frolicking in the water,” she narrates. “He came at us, grabbing a stick from the bushes and brandishing it at us. My brother and one of the boys, who was this man’s son, took off. But he got a hold of me and another boy and gave us a thrashing.”

This incident in particular stuck because later that evening, the man reported everything to Njeri’s parents. “My mother served him tea and thanked him for beating us and sending us home. She then proceeded to beat me and my brother again, just to drive the point home.” 

So it was in the olden days, where neighbours disciplined their neighbours’ children without blinking. Those days are long gone, Njeri admits. “Today, when it’s not your child, the line between taking authority and overstepping your boundary is very thin … even I, as a teacher, have to think very carefully about it.”

Njeri has been on the receiving end of such accusations. She once asked a student to leave the classroom because he was being disrespectful. “One disciplinary committee later (constituted to ‘discipline’ me and not the student), it was found that I had infringed on the student’s right to be in the classroom. It was decided that it was up to the parents, not the teacher, to deal with their son’s infraction. … What kind of message does that send to the students? That nobody other than their parents can correct them?”

Njeri adds that since children spend most of their time at school with communal caregivers such as teachers, they should play a huge role in moulding children. But their ability to do so within reason has increasingly been curtailed. “I’m not saying that children shouldn’t have rights; I’m just saying that it is emotionally beneficial for children to feel that someone is in charge. Studies have shown that permissive child care contributes to anxiety because, in essence, what you are doing is telling this child to make their own decisions without gently but firmly guiding them through it.”

Priya Chowdry, another woman who grew up in a communal upbringing setting, weighs in with her experience trying to mould strangers’ or even friends’ and relatives’ children in this new age. Driving out of her gate one day, Chowdry spotted two teenage boys she was familiar with strolling by. One of them was puffing a cigarette. Cruising alongside them, she lowered her window and began to spew an honest-to-God lecture on the dangers of smoking. The smoker shrugged his shoulders and smiled. “He stood there giving me the are-you-done look!” she exclaims.

CHANGED TIMES

Since children spend most of their time at school with communal caregivers such as teachers, they should play a huge role in moulding children. But their ability to do so within reason has increasingly been curtailed. PHOTO | NATION

“Some would say that it is none of my business, which is what my husband said when I told him I would inform the boy’s mother, but the same way I would feed this boy if he were in my house is the same way I will feed him with parenting wisdom.

“These things happen instinctively. Every one of my friends’ children is my child. I guess it comes from growing up in a large traditional Indian family – I had many ‘mothers’ who commanded equal respect and trust. We were, and I believe we still are, all part of a small village,” she says.

But though she still feels inclined to be a communal mother, Chowdry notes that she has observed changes in how things are done now. “First of all, the fact that this boy did not crush that cigarette underfoot and run for his dear life, as I would have in my childhood had I been caught smoking, is a clear indication that things are truly different.

“Children today don’t have that instinct we had where we viewed every grown-up as a parent. Or maybe it is the grown-ups who no longer act like parents to every child … I don’t know,” she adds.

Chowdry has found that it is not only with strangers’ and friends’ kids where she is seen to have overstepped her mandate when exerting parental control; it happens even with her own relatives.

“I remember telling my niece’s four-year-old daughter to go to bed, and the little girl hesitated, looked at her mother, and only obliged when her mother gave her nod of approval. In my time, grandma ruled and everyone knew that. Apparently, not so much anymore,” she smiles.

Theuri, a 38-year-old manager at a nightclub in one of the malls in Nairobi, is also of the opinion that when it comes to other people’s children, dynamics have changed, so you can only do so much to protect them. He faces this dilemma all the time, especially on weekends when high school students come to the mall at night.

“First of all, by the time they get here, they are already drunk. I’m sure their parents aren’t letting them run wild, but clearly they (the kids) have by-passed the parental control boundary.

“In as much as it takes the village to raise and protect the child, it is the primary care-giver’s responsibility to lay the groundwork. As part of the village, I’ll do my best to make sure they don’t buy alcohol in my establishment, but for the most part, I shake my head and wonder ‘who’s raising these kids!?’”

Unlike in Chowdry and Njeri’s time, the fact that we no longer live in communal settings has created a sense of individuality, perhaps making the belief that it takes the village to raise a child lose some of its weight. Be that as it may, wherever the solo parent might fall short at providing for their child’s physical, emotional, social and intellectual development, the village (society) will either be called upon to take responsibility for that child or the child will not be able to function properly in the said village.

“So whichever way you look at it,” says Anna Mundia, a researcher with a BA in psychology and a master’s degree in anthropology, “society will always play a role. For example, even though it might be politically incorrect for another parent to discipline your child, your child will nevertheless be expected to behave while in the company of others. If they don’t, they will be ostracised. The village always has a say – if your children do the crime, they will do the time, either in their peers’ hands or later on in life, when the law catches up with them. Another example is where the government, through its social services, can invoke the right to take a child away from an unfit parent – that’s the village playing its part.” 

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Even though it might be politically incorrect for another parent to discipline your child, your child will nevertheless be expected to behave while in the company of others. If they don’t, they will be ostracised. PHOTO | FILE

WHAT PARENTS SAY:

The question remains, where is the village justified in stepping-in and where should it be deemed to have overstepped its mandate?

Here are some parents’ opinions: 

The village (other people) has overstepped its mandate …

1.            When it disciplines my child, especially physically punishment.

2.            When it insists that the values I have taught my children are wrong and tells them so – especially if the children are under 18.

3.            When it gives them advice that goes against my family’s values – tells them it’s okay to do a thing that I have taught them is not, and vice versa.

4.            When it offers them material things (gifts) without asking me first.

5.            When it picks them up and takes them places without my knowledge (however innocent the excursion).

6.            When it offers me unsolicited advice on how to raise my child – and goes ahead and tries out some of this ‘advice’ on my child.

7.            When it ignores nuclear family boundaries and involves itself in decisions that should only be made by the inner circle.

 

The village can step in …

1.            To provide child care, but only when asked to do so.

2.            To help my child when he is in danger and alert me that my child is in danger.

3.            To remove my child from an unfit environment.

4.            To include my child or invite her to social activities with her peers, with my consent.