My married lover won’t support our child
Mother and daughter reading on bed. This week, we counsel a woman seeking to compel the father of her child to support them. Photo/FILE
What you need to know:
In the context of responsibility, he should feel obligated to at least make sure his child is cared for through his efforts.
On the other hand, you started a relationship with a married man and for reasons unknown to me you have managed to maintain that relationship for eight years.
Even though your affair produced a child, you should not find it odd that his commitment as per your expectations is lacking.
Q: I have been in a relationship with a married guy on and off for eight years now. We have a three-year-old daughter who he has seen on only three occasions.
He has also hasn’t done anything much for her, save for the Sh2, 000 he sends on very rare occasions. He doesn’t care about what his daughter eats or whether she goes to school.
Even when she falls sick and I tell him about it, he just says “okay.” I feel bad because this man earns a fortune and his children attend international schools, yet my daughter goes to a school in the slum because I don’t earn much.
I have tried talking to him to help me pay school fees but he is always very non-committal about it.
I never push him to do anything for his daughter because I believe if someone wants to support his children, he will do so without being forced. He calls when he feels like it and he never even bothers to ask about the baby. What should I do?
READERS’ ADVICE
I believe when you got into a relationship with the man and further got intimate, you knew that he had a family and he was committed to them.
You came in as an intruder and I believe the blame should be on you because you will never expect him to forsake his children for you.
I would advise you to talk to him and accept the little help he offers. There are men who don’t support their other kids in any way so count yourself lucky.
Calvin Queens
You reaping the fruits of what you planted. You gate crashed into another person’s marriage. Do you expect to receive the same share the legal wife is getting?
Read between the lines and move on with my life. Look for ways you can cater for your child. I wish you well.
Rev. Geoffrey Avudiko
You should probably seek legal advice if you are sure the child is his otherwise you have lost and you are on your own.
You broke some rules here, therefore you should blame yourself. First you dated this man for a whole eight years while aware that he was married.
Secondly, you went ahead and got pregnant. Married men are married men; nothing less-nothing more.
Marriage is a huge responsibility and that may explain why he has developed cold feet towards you and the child.
John Musuku
I am sorry about your predicament but let’s face the facts here; he’s a married man and he has a family.
Let it go and start thinking of finding your own. Be wise and seek a lawyer to look into child upkeep issues instead of complaining about his fortune. This man is not part of your plans for the future.
Samora Bonface
Expert advice
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
In the context of responsibility, he should feel obligated to at least make sure his child is cared for through his efforts.
On the other hand, you started a relationship with a married man and for reasons unknown to me you have managed to maintain that relationship for eight years.
Even though your affair produced a child, you should not find it odd that his commitment as per your expectations is lacking.
The reason I highlight this is because, if I may speculate, if from the onset all you ever were to him was ‘that woman I have fun with’ then chances are that his opinion of you has stuck.
That is probably why he only assists when he feels like it. I must remind you that by dating a married man you set in motion variables in life that have given birth to your current predicament.
His business is running his family, so for him you are secondary. It is time you both had a candid chat about the future.
Your child did not ask to be brought into this world so the adults involved must be the ones to identify whether they are together in raising the child or not. Either way, life must go on.
Next week’s dilemma: I am a 39-year-old woman with a good job and living my dream life, but I can’t seem to meet the right man to complete this picture.
Most single guys I meet are younger than me, so they don’t want anything serious.
I also get hit on by married men who are the right age and who have the qualities I desire in a man, but I have never envisioned myself as anyone’s second wife or mpango wa kando.
I feel like giving up on meeting a single guy and maybe giving a married man a chance.
Will I ever meet the man of my dreams or should I just warm up to the idea of being a second wife? Remember, I am not getting any younger! Please advise.
