AUNT TRUPHENA: How do we protect our son from the pain of our looming separation?

Q: My husband and I have had differences for two years and since we feel they are irreconcilable, we want to separate. Our curious 10-year-old son sensed that something was amiss but when he asked me, I told him that all was well between me and his dad.

However, unfortunately, he caught us arguing bitterly during an episode where his dad shouted that we have to go our separate ways. He heard everything before we noticed he was in the room.

We’ve tried to talk to him and downplay the whole incident, but he called us both liars and said he is sad that we want to separate. He has become so gloomy and this is affecting his performance at school.

How can we protect him from the harsh reality of our failed marriage?

A: The first thing you need to do is to acknowledge that you have hurt your son deeply by lying to him. He sensed and found out the truth about your relationship with his father, but you contradicted that knowledge and now he not only doubts you, he doubts

himself too.

You say you want to protect your son from the truth to protect him from stress, but clearly your approach has not worked. Lying only hurts him more because he wonders why his parents are lying to him.

You need to confront the problem head on – by telling your son the truth about your relationship. The reality is that your child can deal with almost any disappointment of life as long as you provide him with your support as parents.

On the other hand, if you insist on lying to him, he will begin to doubt and distrust even the simplest of truths. You have already decided to separate and you were only probably still together for the sake of your son; but now that he knows the truth, sit down

with him and let him know that though you are leaving each other as spouses, you are not leaving him. That you will still continue to be present parents in his life. Don’t lie to him that you and his dad still love each other.

Tell it like it is – that you no longer want to be married to each other as his parents, but assure him that you both love him and will continue to give him the love and care that he needs and deserves.

Your son might react in anger, sadness or disappointment, which is normal. Acknowledge his feelings and tell him it is okay to feel how he does about your split so that he can process it and begin to heal.

Ask for forgiveness for lying to him without being defensive. You may visit a child therapist for more support.

I wish you well.