GIRLTALK:10 ways to spot a narcissist

Sometimes the signs of narcissism are a little more nuanced. They’re not always as obvious as media depictions would have you believe. PHOTO| FILE |NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • When you think about the people you come into contact with every day — whether it be a friend, romantic partner or colleague — do any of the following seem to ring a bell? If so, you may be dealing with a narcissist.
  • There’s “more emotional victimisation,” Krizan explains. There’s still an air of self-reference “about not being understood or people not recognising your value. It’s about me and how I’m great,” but others aren’t realising it.
  • People who are narcissistic use it to maintain status, and so they tend to have more attractive photos, and more self-promoting, broader networks.

Chances are, you’ve encountered a narcissist. You know, that friend who somehow manages to revert every topic of conversation back to himself; the colleague who is always bragging about having the latest, greatest ____; the family member who thinks she is hotter, smarter and just generally better than you at everything.

But sometimes the signs of narcissism are a little more nuanced. They’re not always as obvious as media depictions would have you believe. And yes, it’s possible to have some traits of narcissism without having full-blown, clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder, which is when narcissism starts to have a serious, negative impact on everyday life and relationships.

When you think about the people you come into contact with every day — whether it be a friend, romantic partner or colleague — do any of the following seem to ring a bell? If so, you may be dealing with a narcissist.

1. THEY’RE LIKABLE

At least, at first glance. Narcissists tend come across as very charismatic and personable. “Often the image you see of someone who is narcissistic at the beginning could be very positive, but over a longer term, it turns out to be more negative,” W. Keith Campbell, Ph.D., head of the Department of Psychology at the University of Georgia, says. “So that’s where the surprise comes in — it’s like, ‘Oh my gosh, this is the person I just hired, and now look at what I’m dealing with.’”

2. SOME NARCISSISTS ARE QUIET AND SHY.

While the loud and braggy types are the ones people usually picture when thinking about narcissists, they can actually be quiet and reserved. Zlatan Krizan, PhD., an associate professor in the Department of Psychology at Iowa State University, explains that there’s actually two kinds of expressions of narcissism: grandiose, which is where the bragging and showing off is exhibited, and shy, where a person may not be as forthright “or be out there with a bullhorn, but is sitting in the corner, fantasizing about when their day will come, and resenting others.”

That’s not to say that narcissists are always either grandiose or shy. In most people, there’s elements of both shy narcissism and grandiose narcissism. “We like to put people in a box,” Krizan says, “but when you look at how these personality traits present themselves, you see separation only at extreme levels.”

3. THEY ALWAYS MANAGE TO MAKE THE CONVERSATION ABOUT THEMSELVES.

“You could start talking to a person about how you have cancer, and pretty soon you’re talking about their new car,” Campbell explains.
4. THEY’RE GUILTY OF NAME-DROPPING.

5. NOT EVERY STORY A NARCISSIST TELLS IS ONE OF VICTORY.

But even in the stories of tragedy or failure, there’s an air of entitlement and victimisation. Narcissists will often tell stories about themselves — sometimes repeating the same story over and over again — and many times, the story will be about an instance of personal heroism or an exploit. But even when a story is of something negative that happened, it’ll never be the narcissist’s fault. There’s “more emotional victimisation,” Krizan explains. There’s still an air of self-reference “about not being understood or people not recognising your value. It’s about me and how I’m great,” but others aren’t realising it.

6. APPEARANCE IS EVERYTHING TO THEM.
Narcissists are not necessarily more attractive than other people, but they “do take care of their appearance and place an importance on looking physically attractive,” Twenge says.

Not everyone who makes a point to take care of their appearance is a narcissist, she adds, but “well-applied nails, hair and so on would be an indicator.”
7. ON FACEBOOK, THEY HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS — AND NOT A SINGLE BAD PICTURE.

“People who are narcissistic use it to maintain status, and so they tend to have more attractive photos, and more self-promoting, broader networks — more ‘friends’ — on Facebook,” Campbell explains.

8. THEY ARE STRONGLY AVERSE TO CRITICISM.

While no one can honestly say they like receiving criticism, people with narcissism are hyper-sensitive to it, Krizan says.

9. EVERYTHING IS PERSONAL.

Particularly in the quieter narcissists, there may not be signs of overt self-reference and promotion. But there is defensiveness and reactive anger if they are not recognized or if they can’t get their way. “If you do something to [the narcissist] that he doesn’t like, it means you’re against him or you don’t understand him,” Krizan explains.

10. MEN ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE NARCISSISTS THAN WOMEN.

And the level of narcissism is higher among today’s millennials than previous generations at similar ages, Twenge adds.

The full length article appears on www.huffingtonpost.com. Lizzie’s World returns next week.