RELATIONSHIP TIPS: The aftermath of a breakup

No one ever starts a relationship anticipating a break up, and yet, break ups are part of life. Some ex-couples go on to become very good friends. Others remain cordial. And yet others become sworn enemies. However, whether you have been dumped or done the dumping, or whether it was amicable or nasty, break ups are universally uncomfortable, sad events. Today, we take a look at the aftermath of this unhappy phase.

ON LOVING THE EX:

According to Jennice Vilhauer, a psychotherapist and the author of Think Forward to Thrive, you shouldn’t feel guilty for still having feelinsg for your ex-partner. “Moving on from a relationship that isn’t working isn’t always about ending the love you feel. In fact, part of maturity is recognising that love by itself isn’t always enough to make a relationship work,” she says.

HIS FRIENDS

According to Ken Munyua, a Nairobi-based psychologist, as you move on, you will need to let go of his friends. “You must avoid his friends at all costs,” he says, adding that you should also never date any of them even if they seem like good company. Apparently, Munyua observes, chances of these friends hitting on you could be very high.

“They’ll know that you’re emotionally vulnerable and might attempt to hit on you. You may also think of dating them in a bid to get back at your ex. This will be a mistake. They will use you and then dump you too!” In any case, no man wants the reputation of dating his friend’s ex! Additionally, according to Erastus Kibet, a psychologist and family based in Nakuru, while you may not always terminate such friendships if you were close acquaintances, you should take care not to bring up topics about your ex or entertain them when you interact with them.

“Don’t download your affection for him, complain over what he did to trigger the break up, or ask for details on how he’s doing,” he cautions.

GIFTS

Following a bitter break up, you may be tempted to burn, destroy, or damage gifts, items, or accessories that your ex may have given you. However, according to Munyua, this may not be the right thing to do in the immediate aftermath. “This may not likely be effective. In fact, it should be one of the rituals you perform last in your emotional recuperation,” he says. Similarly, sending gifts back to your ex will be a wrong move.

QUICK TAKEAWAY

Loving again

According to Dr. Chris Hart, a psychologist based in Nairobi and the author of Single & Searching, you will be able to get back into the dating scene after a few months. However, before you do, you will do good to forgive your ex and assess what might have gone wrong in order to improve your chances of success in your next relationship. “Figure it out without obsessing over whose fault it was. Focus on what you ought to change in your next relationship. And don’t think it is only your ex who could really love you or who you could really love,” he says, adding that even though there will always be chance that you may end up getting hurt again, you shouldn’t hold back from giving your love to the right person.