Why would a man paste his wife’s face on his car’s rear windshield?

What’s the general rule about your man displaying his affection to you in public? Saturday Magazine posed this question to five women.

Out of these five, four said that while his efforts to show his affection are appreciated, it is best done away from the audience of the public. “When I was younger,” says Stella, 31 and engaged, in public relations, “I considered this very romantic and thoughtful.

But you grow up and realise it isn’t. The more subtle his gestures, the more romantic they are. It seems my fiancé and I had an unspoken understanding about this, because he didn’t propose to me in front of people.” She pauses then adds, laughing, “It wasn’t an announcement. You know? It was a private, me-and-him moment. And I loved it.” She flashes me her engagement ring for effect.

21-year-old Rahab, a university student, says that PDA (public displays of affection) is the norm in the ‘hot-blooded relationships’ of the youth.

They define affection to Rahab and her ilk. “I’ve seen older people, women especially, give me and my boyfriend those looks of ‘get a room’. We don’t mind it so why should they mind it for us?”

DRAW THE LINE

Writing for his website, relationship expert David Kavanagh says, “Affection is definitely more important than passion. The passion in most relationships lasts around three years but affection can last a lifetime. It allows couples to show they still care for each other after the initial stage of lust has gone. PDAs are a signal that you value and respect your partner – two essential parts of a relationship.”

But there’s a disclaimer to it: A sprinkle of some quiet affection is tasteful, appreciated and selfless. It’s romantic. It’s about you, not him. It shows that he values and respects you.

Bucketfuls of it is embarrassing, selfish, overbearing and unromantic. It’s all about him.

He is cornering you into reciprocating what he feels for you. And you are choiceless and embarrassed while at it. He has disrespected your private space with his surprise invasion. You’ll be known as the chick who dates that guy who doesn’t know his boundaries.

Kenyan men are generally conservative with matters romantic. But there is the handful who want to show the regular guys how it’s done. Just in case your man is one of these outliers, ask him to think through these general rules about PDA.

First, less says more. A subtle gesture like a handwritten note once in a while  expresses more than dropping you corny one-liners on your social media timelines daily.

In its barest form, this action speaks louder than those words. If your man doesn’t know where to draw the line, throw him this question if he doesn’t know what separates a subtle from a non-subtle gesture: ‘If you witnessed another man do what you are about to do for me, would you cheer him on in admiration on or would you turn away in embarrassment?’ If his answer is the latter, then save yourselves both the trouble of non-subtle and unwanted PDA.

Second, the grander the gesture, the more insecure he is about being the man in your life. So he surprises you with a string quartet at your workplace so he show you and everyone you work with just how romantic he is? Please. Grandiosity is a sign of his deep insecurity.

He is using this public platform to send a message that you are his and he is yours. He is marking his territory.

Third – and is the most important – grandiosity means there are deep fault lines in the relationship itself. His PDA is its compensation.

A new relationship that starts then matures and blooms in the public eye isn’t a real one. It’s a spectacle created for the show of it. It’s for entertainment and taking sides.

It’s for the onlookers to root for him and cheer him on towards drawing the girl of his dreams into his arms. The expressions are sweet on face value but are utterly artificial. An ongoing relationship that now turns to the public space for affection means that it is falling apart.

Something broke down somewhere. The man panics. He makes a thoughtless and desperate attempt to rescue it. So he turns to his public audience on social media and whatnot for support.

The public space likes a man in trouble, it seems. He needs its validation to remind him, and you, that not all is lost. Then he goes on the rampage.

Thirty-three year old Ciku noticed a pattern from her previous relationships. When he became uncharacteristically affectionate and romantic, it was likely that he was either being unfaithful or spoiling for fights, then taking this as the reason to end the relationship. Ciku recalls, “I was once in a relationship for two years when, out of the blue, he started sending me flowers to work daily, lavish gifts and messages on my Facebook. I didn’t know how to respond besides saying thank you or how thoughtful of you. This had never been our thing.“Then he’d turn around to point fingers, saying that I wasn’t putting effort to keep the  romance alive as much as he was.

My lukewarm responses made him feel unappreciated. He kept his distance  before he finally broke it off.” Surprise, surprise. In retrospect, Ciku says he was oddly insecure about the relationship.

On the flipside, his PDA may genuinely be his way of showing you he really loves you. Author Gary Chapman in his book "The 5 Love Languages" says that different people have different ways of showing their affection. For some, PDA is really important. Words of affirmation, physical touch, attention, quality time and thoughtful gifts speak volumes for others. Others want support.

Dr Chapman says that some women are shown love and affection in a way that they don’t like. In this case, let him be – PDA is probably just a reflection of his love language.