AUNT TRUPHENA: How do I get over my married ex?

I have been dumped my man. I didn’t know he was married and I loved him so much. PHOTO| FILE |NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • This should serve as a red flag that you can never be his wife and you can only be the ‘other woman’.
  • Please accept that he has left you and move on. I discourage you from beating yourself up with self-pity.
  • It is important to start dealing with the issues that made you get into a situation with a married man in the first place.

Q: I have been dumped my man. I didn’t know he was married and I loved him so much. I had come from a bad break up, so when this guy came I accepted him with open arms. I discovered later that he was married when he told me and to make matters worse, they have moved to another town. He always did the calling – he wouldn’t let me call him and he often told me where to meet him. Now I know why he was behaving like this. I’m hurt because we were friends longer than we were lovers – or so I thought. I’m hating myself wondering why he left. How do I handle this?

A: Your man used to call and meet you when it was convenient for him; in fact you had some clear instructions on this. This shows that he is a family man who does not want his marriage to suffer because of your constant calls, and so that he could only meet you when he knew he was ‘safe’ from his wife’s eyes.

This should serve as a red flag that you can never be his wife and you can only be the ‘other woman’. You seem to have an excuse that you loved him because you didn’t know that he had a wife – well, now you know!

You want to live in denial concerning his status? From the look of things he disclosed this to you to make you aware that he has another life and he is not committed to your relationship. The hardest thing is love someone who cannot love you back. So when you say you loved him too deeply to withdraw, this will only give you more pain.

Please accept that he has left you and move on. I discourage you from beating yourself up with self-pity, thinking he has used you and now he is happy with her. Instead, make the choice to believe that he left because the relationship was never meant to be.

You say you went into this relationship because of a bad break from another relationship. It is therefore important to start dealing with the issues that made you get into a situation with a married man in the first place. This could be loneliness, low self-esteem, and other emotional baggage.

Visiting a counsellor could be a great step to help you deal with this. Note that you are an amazing lady and you will eventually get a man who will love you fully as you are. Wishing you success.