MANTALK: About those background checks…

I’m minding my own business, buying a smoothie at this fruits place around the corner from my office (this place makes a killer smoothie: heavy and great for a 10’ o’clock snack instead of the tempting mandazis made by Mama Ochibo from Kibera, which doesn’t help men of my age because our metabolism is now slowing some), when my phone rings. The number is from someone I haven’t spoken to in a couple of years.

“Biko!” he screeches enthusiastically, like we were circumcised on the same day. I can’t help warming up to him. We catch up with the usual niceties: eh, how are the kids? You have how many now? And you? When do you add another one? Bwana, add another one. What do you do nowadays? Writing is going great, thanks. Jadudi is fine, glory be to God. (I get asked that a lot). Have you heard from nani? And nani? We should catch a drink soon, ama you got saved? Hohoho!

Then he says, “Listen, si you went to ExEx (insert the name of the university here)? Did you know a chick called Roselyn* (not her name).” I’m terrible with names but very good with faces. I tell him no, I don’t remember a name like that. He mentions a second name and makes some descriptions, and it comes to me. “Listen, a pal of mine wants to talk to you. Here’s here.” I hear phones changing hands. A voice comes on. “Hey bro?” In my head I’m thinking this is a cop or the secret police and this girl must be involved in terrorism or something. Instead the guy asks me a very odd question; how was Roselyn in uni?

Now the truth is, the lady in question was sort of, how shall I put this lightly because this is a family paper… she was sort of, uhm, liberal. Word amongst the guys was that she was “open minded” if you will – even though it was more than her mind that was open. In short she had a big reputation around school. 

“Well,” I say cryptically, “she studied business*, she was a happy person, loved life, ate it with a big spoon.” The guy says, “No, I mean her as a person. Did she date?” I said, “Well, I’m not sure if she dated, she wasn’t in my circle. Why?” The guy says, “Well, I’m serious with her and I just wanted to know what kind of person she was.” I thought about it for a second and said, “When you say ‘serious’, you mean you want to take cows and you are trying to find out how many cows she is worth, ama?” He laughed. “No, I want to make sure that I’m not being taken for a ride.” It was my turn to laugh. “What about her past in uni would tell you she is taking you for a ride?  Unless you are trying to find out if she was married then, or she was psychotic and buried bodies of boyfriends behind her hostel. All which are no.” He laughed.

Of course he wanted a character witness. We all seek that at some point. A background check is sometimes necessary. Is she the real deal or am I wasting my money and time? You might be lucky to find out that she’s the type that rolls with politicians, then you are better off dating a wolf.  But surely things that happened over ten years ago shouldn’t really count. Because things change, people change. I mean, at 23 years you should be excused if you behaved in a certain way. If potential spouses went back for our records in our tertiary education lives not one of us would be able to main any level of piety in the light of judgement.

But most have cleaned up; they are father and mothers. They stopped smoking weed or dancing on tables or walking about in underwear or jumping in bed with any girl in a bra. The past is often littered with debris nobody wants to unearth. It’s manure. Maybe this girl -Roselyn*-  had daddy-issues, or was undergoing turmoil or was transitioning emotionally. There is no way of knowing. What we saw was a symptom of perhaps wanting acceptance or even seeking love, who knows? We were in our early 20’s for chrissake. If we don’t make mistakes then, when will we make mistakes?

“How were you in uni?” I asked the guy. He said, “What?” I said. “Yes, what kind of a person were you in university? Were you the head of the Christian Union?” He started laughing. Hopefully he saw my point. I had taken a few sips of my banana smoothie so I had lots of potassium surging in my brain releasing spurts of potent wisdom. I told him, “Listen chief, I don’t know you or your relationship but if you were my pal I would advise you to think long and hard if you really want to go to the back of the kitchen to see how the sausage was made. It might kill your appetite.”

Generally if you have to ask a complete stranger about your woman’s reputation over a decade ago, then you don’t need to be serious with her. Get another one.