BABY LOVE: Alone but not spoilt

In African society, having one child is unusual. But as trends change and some women find having one child as a viable option, they more often than not have to grapple with the popular belief that an only child will be spoilt, selfish, lonely and socially awkward.

“I’m an only child – I think I turned out alright,” says 34 year old Jane, a mother of two. “I don’t think I was spoilt because my mom was very strict. However, even though I had everything I wanted while growing up, I sometimes missed having a sibling.”

Thirty-year-old Susan Mutheu, mother of two, says she found growing up as an only child to be a lonely affair.  “I had imaginary siblings,” she says. “As a grown-up, I still don’t know how to cope with large groups of people. But on the other hand I think being alone made me independent. I think it has its pros and cons.”

SEVERAL MANIFESTATIONS 

Vivienne, a 28-year-old ‘certified’ mother of one six year old boy, says she is tired of people insinuating her son will be spoilt or lonely. “I know it’s shocking for an African woman to say they don’t want another child.

They even tell me he will pester me for one anyway. I’ve also been accused of being selfish. First, I have seen multiple siblings who are spoilt. And my son has many friends who he interacts with. I choose to have one so he can have the best of everything and I’m justified in my decision.” 43-year-old Wanjiru partly agrees with Vivienne. “My only one is a 14-year-old man now. He is very popular, disciplined and grown up – he actually plays big brother to his age mates.”

But Wanjiru has other worries. “Since I’m single, I’m concerned that if anything were to happen to me, he would be alone. I also worry that when he leaves home, I’ll in turn be alone. I think if I was younger I would choose to have two or three children, not because one would get spoilt, but because a bigger family is socially and emotionally safer.”   

Wanjeri Mahihu, a psychologist, says an only child can and does grow up to be well adjusted, but only if they are socialised well. “One needs to establish a social circle (of their peers) around them when they are growing up. The only-child syndrome can manifest if the child spends too much time in isolation or in predominantly adult company, and thus doesn’t learn age-appropriate social etiquette.”

The syndrome can manifest in several ways. If they are receiving too much attention from their parent, they run the risk of being self centered, dependent, selfish, clingy or insecure.

The parent therefore has to watch the child’s attitude. It’s also possible for the only child who ‘rules his household’ or is ‘king’ to reflect this character in public by standing out as a ‘big shot’.

On the other hand, when an only child is predominantly among adults, they become the ‘child who is not a child’; their talk and mannerisms are not childlike. In this case he could be the overachiever, the one who stands out as the leader or is always ‘ahead’ of his peers. “But even if he is developing grown-up skills, there’s a likelihood of emotional bankruptcy issues developing as an adult (although it depends on their experience), based on the fact that they didn’t fully explore who they are (in childhood) naturally,” she says.

Sometimes the problem does not necessarily arise from a child being alone, but from the dynamics of the ‘only child home’.

“If the parent is not (emotionally) healthy, the problem could be that the child feels (emotionally) isolated from them. If the parents are always fighting, the child has nowhere else to go and feels alone and abandoned. But if the home dynamics are okay, so will the only-child.”

What you need to know about raising only children

 1. Don’t have another child just to give in to cultural pressure. Remember the pressure is more cultural than psycho-social.  

2. After you have acknowledged that you want one child only, start planning on how you are going to satisfy their social needs. 

3. When an only child asks you ‘When are we having another baby?’ they don’t always mean they want a ‘physical baby’. At around age six, their (wider) social needs have just started to emerge. If you have already determined that you will not have another baby, be honest and say something like, “Sorry honey, I don’t think we will have another baby… but maybe cousin Jane can come visit every weekend. What do you think?” Get a conversation going at their own level.

4. Create a social network for them. Remember you are not your child’s primary playmate. Volunteer to have sleepovers at your house and vice versa.

5. Have parent/child relationships with your child. Don’t treat them like little adults.

6. When it comes to money and resources, teach them the values they’d have if they were socialised with other children. Encourage them to tithe, save, donate etc. Get them something to take care of e.g. a plant or a pet so that they ‘get out of themselves’ and be of service.

7. The emptiness syndrome is suffered by many parents when their children fly the nest. It is also a big motivating factor for parents (especially only children themselves) to want many children. Don’t make your insecurities about you children. It is not their responsibility to make you whole.

8. Only children who grow up wishing they had siblings are most likely the one’s whose social need were not met (i.e. adequately socialised with their peers).