An alternative life

After 12 years of marriage and with three children to show for it, Polycap sat his wife down and declared that he was gay. The next day Janet, Polycap’s wife, came to the sexology clinic asking for medicine to treat her husband’s ‘madness’.

“We were watching news together and he saw how a gunman had invaded a club for homosexuals in America,” Janet explained. “He was enraged. He put off the TV and said he wanted to talk to me. That is when he broke the news.”

Janet was referring to a recent incident in Orlando, USA, where a gunman went into a club frequented by homosexuals and opened fire. Forty-nine people died and many others were injured. No one knows what triggered the gunman’s attack, but various theories have been put forward, including terrorism or the likelihood that the gunman was a closeted, unhappy gay man.

Janet and Polycap spent the night talking about what Polycap’s revelation meant for their family. Would the marriage end? What about the children? Was Polycap abandoning his Christian faith? There were no answers to these questions, which is why Janet was here to see me. Polycap was, however, not ready to come to the clinic.

“He said that he has been suffering for a long time, that nobody understands him and that he would not come to the clinic because you would probably try to persuade him to continue pretending that he was heterosexual,” Janet explained.

“Could Viagra or some other medicine help? We can put it in his food to bring back his manhood and sanity,” Janet said.

Sexual orientation cannot be treated with medicine. Current theories are that the desire to be intimate with someone of the same sex or opposite sex is embedded in the genes. Because of socialisation and the stigma around sexual orientation, most homosexuals hide their status.

LETTING GO

In addition, sexual identity is very different from sexual orientation. Many people who desire to have sex with people of the same sex identify as heterosexuals. Many are in heterosexual marriages today. The sexual attraction to people of the same sex however remains and sometimes can be overwhelming.

Take it this way: up to 6 per cent of men and 4 per cent of women are suspected to be homosexuals. This translates to 10 per cent of the population. Some of these people are purely homosexual while others may be bisexual and have feelings for both sexes. Because of stigma, these feelings are kept secret and people conform to social and religious demands. Only occasionally do you see the bold ones come out to proclaim their diverse sexual orientations.

At one point, due to professionally institutionalised stigma, medics classified diverse sexual orientation a psychiatric problem. Science has since shown that this not true. Homosexuals are not sick, they just have sexual feelings for people of the same sex. As such, they should not avoid health professionals for fear of being stigmatised.

Most faiths, on the other hand, do not tolerate homosexuality. One man visited the sexology clinic a while back after months of prayers to cast out the homosexuality demons. The feelings would not just go!

“So what happens to my marriage? Janet asked. This is a discussion the couple needed to have. I offered to host them while at it and promised not to be judgmental.

The next day Polycap and Janet were at the clinic. As a matter of procedure, I did sexual orientation tests on Polycap. He was almost purely gay. “Now that you have come this far in your marriage would you want to give it some consideration moving forward?” I asked.

“Only if Janet allows me to follow my heart; I want to have a relationship with a fellow man,” Polycap replied.

Janet collapsed and fainted! I called the resuscitation team and she was taken to the ward for observation. By the time we were done treating Janet, Polycap was gone. Attempts to get him on phone were futile. Two days later, Janet was discharged. When she got home, she called me to say that Polycap had packed his clothes and left. He had told the kids that he was sorry but he would not be coming back.

 “Life happens. Pick up the pieces, find new bearings and move on,” I said to Janet on the phone, not sure of how else to help.