Teach your child to be kind

If ever there were a value which was unduly ignored yet which could save the world a whole lot of trouble, it would be empathy.

Empathy is one of the values closely linked to emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence, psychoanalysts say, is a new-age ability to recognise our and others’ emotions then act in response to those emotions.

When empathy is lacking, your little ones, in turn, don’t consider the feelings of others. That’s why every neighbourhood has its bully who intentionally hurts the smaller ones.

Or kids who get a frisson when they make others cry, or those who don’t share – it’s because empathy is lacking in their value system. Empathy is a simple technique to raising good kids. It’s a skill often ignored.

From as early as six months to age two, children sincerely exhibit empathy in recognisable ways; your infant will see you crying and will run over to give you a hug. You are writhing from a tummy ache and he will rub your belly as if to say ‘sorry’. It’s the same feeling they have when you pinch or spank them, and they look at you as if to ask if you imagine they felt no pain. It’s a give and take.

At the age of three, your kid’s empathy is floating about – it fluctuates based on which side of their crib they woke; sometimes it overflows, other times it just isn’t there. And how much they are aware of this value is determined partly by how they are being cared for and by how we innately are as humans. It’s a balance between nurture and nature.

From the age of four onwards, your little ones are empathetic based mostly on how it has been nurtured as a value. Your parenting determines how empathetic they are to others, and their ability to recognise when others are empathetic to them. Nurture is a more significant factor than nature from here on. Studies show that this value could be ‘unlearned’ at this age if it is not nurtured well. This brings us to the question: How do you nurture empathy as a value in your little ones?

TEACH BY EXAMPLE

Empathy is best imparted when it is ingrained and demonstrated in everyday life.

It’s a show-not-tell value. This is what Jacqueline Irungu, 34, does with her two boys, four and seven-year-old Ryan and Jason.

From an early age, her boys learnt what it means to be empathetic to other children. “The boys attended kindergarten where some of their classmates were from a local children’s orphanage.

It was from these orphans that my boys understood this value: I’d pack extra snacks for them to share with the orphans. Every school holiday, we’d host them for two weeks at home.

The boys and I would visit them at the orphanage on weekends and during Christmas. They handed down and shared their old clothes and toys. It even became a family norm that the boys celebrate their birthdays at the orphanage grounds.”

Jacqueline extends these teachings by being a model of empathy herself. “They see me giving and lending a helping hand. And on those occasions that I don’t, I explain why.”

Jacqueline advises to let empathy be a value borne out of a family activity, out of a family tradition marked on the family calendar. “Every year, the boys and I participate in walks and charity events like the Mater Heart Run and Standard Chartered Marathon. I use such events to teach them how we are helping children like themselves who are unwell. Plus, it’s also a bonding session for the family.”

Empathy breeds other values, too. Jacqueline has found that teaching her boys empathy has also taught them other values. “The boys share more with others and with each other. They are thankful, and appreciate what they have. They are more responsible in caring for their things. They are more joyful and more prayerful kids.”

Jacqueline has partnered with her kids’ schools to initiate outdoor activities which teach empathy in its pupils. Fun days, hikes and camps make empathy a ‘fun’ value to learn. And which kid doesn’t like fun?

According to child psychologist Mary Wahome, when empathy is not nurtured in our kids, we end up with a society that is insensitive, selfish and uncaring. Nurturing empathy nurtures a conscientious society. “Your kids ought to understand that it’s not OK to, say, throw away excess food when there are others without any. Sharing is indeed caring. Remember that empathy is a value that isn’t limited by age, social class and status. Never stop teaching, and they’ll never stop learning it.”

AN AGE-BY-AGE GUIDE TO NURTURING EMPATHY

Six months to two years: Express your gratitude, physically, at their simple acts of empathy. Hug them. Pat their back. Rub their heads. Squeeze their cheek in an affectionate manner. Look into their eyes with an affirming nod.

Three years: Preach empathy as a value in the things you do and things you say in the home. Your little one may not understand it just yet but you are laying the groundwork.

Four to seven years: Recognise, praise and reward empathetic behaviour. Ingrain simple empathetic activities into the fabric of regular life at home and in school.

Eight to12 years: Be a role model of empathy by taking them beyond the borders of the home and showing them how they can ease the plight of others.